Music

Oh, wanted to follow up with a song that made me burst out crying on a car ride to apply for jobs with my dad. It was an awkward moment and I think he was a bit mortified.


Yesterday I died, tomorrow's bleeding
Fall into your sunlight
The future's open wide, beyond believing
To know why hope dies
Losing what was found, a world so hollow
Suspended in a compromise
And the silence of the sound, soon to follow
Somehow, sundown

And finding answers
Is forgetting all the questions we called home
Passing the graves of the unknown

Cuz reason clouds my eyes, with splendor fading
Illusions of the sunlight
And the reflection of a lie will keep me waiting
Love gone, for so long
And this day's ending
Is the proof of time killing all the faith I know
Knowing that faith is all I hold.

And I've lost who I am
And I can't understand
Why my heart is so broken
Rejecting your love
Without love gone wrong
Lifeless words carry on
But I know
All I know
Is that the end's beginning
Who I am from the start
Take me home to my heart
Let me go
And I will run
I will not be silenced
All this time spent in vain
Wasted years, wasted gain
All is lost
Hope remains
And this war's not over
There's a light
There's the sun
Taking home shattered ones
To a place we belong
And his love will conquer all

Yesterday I died
Tomorrow's bleeding
Fall into your sunlight

~"Shattered" Credit goes to Trading Yesterday

Rollercoaster

Had something so fantastically awesome happen to me. I applied to be an intern for an indie movie in the "general area" aka next biggest city over because well, that's what I've wanted to do for so long. My dream career is in the film industry and I have to get experience somehow. So on a whim emailed in my resume and availability. Next day I got a call, talked with the production coordinator and scheduled a time to come in and do an interview. How thrilling! Life just suddenly took off, it was fantastic. In a few short days I could be well on my way to bigger things. Yes, long hours, no pay as an intern, small pay if I got moved up to set PA, but it was the experience and connections I was dreaming of. Yea, there was sacrifice involved, I'm an hour and a half away. But it's my self sacrifice and it is worth it because the experience is the key.

So I got a hotel room for the night before my interview and decided to go drive and find the place the night before so I'd know where I'd be going and lo and behold, I get a call to reschedule. Which isn't that untypical in the industry. Things come up and throw other things off easily, especially when still in the pre-production process. And it wasn't a huge deal, though I ended up having this hotel room for no reason. But I just went shopping then the next day. Ever the girly girl.

When the interview time did come, it was crazy. Super exciting walking into this awesome production building that just went on for miles it seemed. The people were young and professional and definitely not from the country. Talked with two guys, and it was a pretty generic "this is who I am, what I've done, what I see, and what I like" and things seemed well. He mentioned a director's assistant position that I'd be a good candidate for and all I could think of was "that would be so much better than intern!" The one concern was my location, which I tried to assure was not a problem (as clearly it wasn't if I was already staying in hotels for them). One mentioned maybe I should come in again, and ultimately they agreed they'd let me know over the weekend.

The weekend ended three days ago.

I just want to say, I'm not the kind of person who has this desire to walk around ecstatically happy my entire life. I don't believe that is achievable and I believe it's foolish. Contentment is the best I ask for. So when you throw something above ecstatic in my path and make me actually believe it and then rip it out from under me, I'm not ok with it. I am ok with living sadly actually. I'm really fine with that. But I'm not ok with my emotions being toyed with. If you want me down, just keep me down. Don't lift me up briefly with hope and then kick me back down and continue kicking me. Because for the first time in a month, I was actually feeling really good. And now I'm at rock bottom again.

I know people are constantly rejected a lot, but I don't even have the courtesy of being in an area where my job interest is available. So when something comes along, it's rare. And when I'm rejected, it makes it all the more difficult to see a future of trying again. I've always known the risk this industry poses with criticism and rejection and competition, and I have always been willing to take that on. God knows why, I certainly don't since I hate all three of those things. But this is the only industry I see myself in, so I can push that aside and battle through them. But I'm over here now, in the middle of nowhere. Just another country hick. No connections, no options. I just needed this one time to just get my name around. And now? There may as well be a brick wall that hour and a half between here and there. I'm isolated again.

I tried so hard to not get my hopes up, or at least pretend I wasn't. Clearly it didn't work. Clearly I'm paying for it. I'm always paying. Everything happens for a reason, and so far it seems that reason is that I'm supposed to feel punished. What did I do wrong that warrants this? I mean, I'm not a saint I suppose. I try to not be objectable in God's eyes, but let's face it, I have a potty mouth, I like going out and lying to random strangers, I enjoy being drunk, I constantly wish the entire world and it's inhabitants were burning in hell, I don't read the Bible much, and I'm having issues praying. I suppose that's good enough to put me in the hot seat. It's this karma thing, God or no God. I guess my karma isn't very good. And it looks like it doesn't have an expiration date, so things I've done 10 years ago still affect what happens to me today.

And I'm so angry at them! Was it because of my location? That's not a big fucking deal and I'm pretty sure they knew it since they all started low on the totem poles themselves once and probably had to do the same damn thing! Was it because I was a little intimidated and hesitant? I never mentioned that once, and I tried not to show it, but face it, when someone tells you you'll be with the director 24/7 pretty much taking notes of everything he does and what he says and what people say to him, I think it's a little understandable to be taken aback. So it would have been a huge change from this stagnant lifestyle I'm stuck in, so what? I was scared, yes, I was. But I was going to fucking do it because that is my fucking desire and I will do it fucking well because I give fucking 200 percent because I don't know how to give anything less! And now it turns out I really would have liked that lifestyle. Because I'm back being stagnant and worthless and meaningless and lost and I just want to die.

The cruelest fate given to man is life.

Recaps

Okey dokey. Recap on the past week (Don't know why I need to give one, but I'm going to.):

I went back to a volleyball league at a bar that I used to play in with coworkers. Funny thing is, now we have two teams instead of one, and there is only one coworker left. The funnier thing is the three people I asked to come with to substitute once in a while back in the day are now official members of the teams. First day I showed up, they were telling me that they were talking the other day about how they even knew each other and then remembered "Oh yea, Elle introduced us! Where is she? She just brings people together and disappears."

That statement is pretty much how I've always lived my life. I try to become a part of something, and maybe I am for a little while, but I never feel completely comfortable and ultimately I disappear from it.

Moving on. Some of my friends have reached out to me a bit since I came back home and want me to spend weekends with them and such so I have. They just got puppies a few months ago and I love playing with them. I also admit that I can really notice that this was actually "reaching out." For so long in my life I've been used to being solitary and content at that so when people said what are you doing this day and I can't do something with them, I just blow off the idea of ever hanging with them period because it never occurred to me I should. Things are getting more clear to me with these invites and the tones of voices that these people are serious about me spending time with them, even if it is only to get out of this solitary household.

I have also now officially visited one of my closest friends who's married and lives a little south of me. I've avoided it because I really don't like her husband much. Maybe he's ok now, but I just remember he was a jerk to her a lot when they were younger and he'd get drunk and play Halo all day and night with his brothers. And ironically I was the maid of honor in their wedding. It's funny, I know. And when I visited it wasn't really bad or anything. I suppose I could handle going down there for a weekend to go out with her and stuff since I think she likes me more than the girls she knows down there. And if we all remember correctly, I suddenly enjoy drinking and being out somewhere where I can lie about who I am. It's really a wonder I haven't gone down there and done it sooner.

Oh yea, I've also got my old job back at the theatre I worked in. Well, technically I guess it hasn't been official yet, but the paperwork is done and such and I know they like me and want me back and need me back so I'm pretty much saying I have it back. February is slow, so there isn't much opportunity for me to work there at the moment. But it'll pick up. This is the slow part of the show season. Of course, this isn't good enough for my parents and they're harping on me to go find a real job. But honestly, when I hear that, I just feel weak and I close up. It's too sensitive, this job thing. Going from some place with the most potential in art and film to a place where the best potential is in a convenience store is just so hard for me to grasp. I don't want to look snobbish or pretentious, but inside I'm having a difficult time working that out.

The other night I had something happen to me that was straight out of a horror movie. It's not impossibly outrageous, but it's outrageous enough that I haven't bothered telling friends or family (except my parents) because it would be denied as reality. Yet I know very well it was. I fell asleep with a headache and had an herbal heat wrap over my forehead to soothe it. A few hours later I woke up on my back and could only see through a little spot between the wrap and my nose. Not ten seconds after my eyes adjusted, something round and pitch black moved in front of my vision and covered it completely. A second later, it felt like something was rubbing my stomach. There were a lot of "God help"s being cried out, and it did fade. But it was a literal fade. Something that didn't belong was in my room and touching me? That really isn't ok. And I'm all too connected to the spiritual side of how the world works that this time I knew it wasn't just a trick of the mind. Needless to say, I now sleep with a night light, music playing, and a Bible beside me. Hasn't happened again. But that doesn't mean I don't expect it to happen any day now.

Speaking of such matters, I actually went to a church service the other Sunday ago. It was all right. Just fine actually. I never usually have a problem with the actual services and I'm not sure I ever have, but I didn't feel any more in place or accepted. Once again I couldn't tell the demographic of where I was, but I certainly couldn't spot any people that I identified with. It's a problem, questioning where you're supposed to belong in this faith and then having violent dreams of possession and ultimately something in your very presence in the real world touching you. Sometimes I just sit wondering. Who am I? What am I? And is what I think having faith is enough?

Well ok then. Til next time.

Living the Dream

So today a friend on Facebook updated her status to something about how she was so happy about life and that she was living the dream life she always wanted. I blew it off, as I often do with her, but now coming back to it, I'm disappointed. It's true, she is doing well now. Just graduated in nursing, now a nurse, able to be on her own and live a real independent life, and that's awesome. But I just get this sinking feeling.... That's what I've always wanted, to live my dream. And I've failed. There is nothing left.

I've been to three post-secondary schools. Count that, THREE.  Two of them I have gotten degrees that do not benefit me in where my interests lie. The third one I was lucky enough to have a tree fall on me to get me out of going to a school that wasn't working for me. And the sad thing is, that program WAS supposed to be what I'm interested in. My gosh, I've invested all this money and work and shit and all I've done was fail from it. I should never have gotten those first two degrees. I should have followed my heart, what I KNEW wasn't going to change about myself and pursued filmmaking accordingly. Instead I got some office assistant diploma and some fucking bullshit degree in "Information and Communication Technologies." I don't even know what that means. And I was in the damn program. And now all I do is look up schools that I COULD have gone to back when I actually had the financing that actually looked like something I could succeed from. And now all I feel is... I can't describe it.

It's past disappointed, discouraged, disgusted, depressed, frustrated, anxious, angry, worthless, sickening. It's this hole in my body that has swallowed all of me. I was just so determined to be the one from the little hicktown I'm from to take on my ambition and unique interest in film and screenwriting and grab the bull by its horns, succeed, and feel like a real accomplishment in life. Instead I moved to a huge city under a false pretense only to come moving back home to hicksville not even two years later. I just don't know how I did this to myself.

No, I know. I listened to my dad when he taught me how to cut corners in the education system. And I believed him when he said I couldn't get a degree in theatre or film because I couldn't earn a living in either. And I school hopped and transferred all I could. I only got the ICT degree because it was the program that transferred the most credits from my first diploma. It wasn't anything I wanted, but I believed that it would make things ok because it was "real." But if I can't even describe what the major was, how could I think it would be ok? And I suppose he had my best interest in mind. But it was a waste. If I could, I would've just stuck to an office assistant degree and I'm sure by now I'd be a very happy receptionist with a steady 9-5 job and income. You don't understand how much I wish I could just be that. Or an accountant. But I can't see myself in anything but film. And now it is just killing me. I wasted all opportunity and money and now all I have are broken desires and dreams that just consume me in every breath I take.

I just want to curl up and sleep and never wake up. I can't feel anything else. And maybe I'll just sleep and sleep and sleep tomorrow. I am getting concerned that now I go to bed earlier and I'm still sleeping in later and getting over 13 hours of sleep sometimes. May as well sleep my life away. My room is the only private place I have left to myself. I can't stand always being around people in a house. And it's only been a week and a half since I moved back. Hah, I'm not sure I can survive to the end of February. Actually, I don't think I can.

The "Make Myself Feel Better" Challenge

So this has been in the works in my head for a while now, but I finally decided to do something about it. I have not felt particularly good about myself for quite some time, and pretty much now that I'm back home I really want to focus on fixing myself. I know this will take a lot. It's gonna involve therapy and dieting and working out and finding a job and hankering down on my screenplay and it's gonna be a lot of ridiculous nonsense, but if it can make me feel better about myself, I have to do it. So today was step one. Day one. I've vowed to work out every day for two hours indefinitely. I don't really have much of a timeline, but I found a swimsuit I got a year or two ago that I really love and decided I was going to try to fit back into it. Don't know *when* I want to fit into it, I guess in theory the sooner the better, but being February I'm not seeing much of a rush. However I'm an impatient person who tends to get discouraged easily so I figure if I go with a somewhat rigorous regimen then maybe I'll see results quicker. I hope.

So that's what I did. Put on the swimsuit, discovered just how much weight I've gained, took "before" pictures that NO ONE will ever see cause well, ew, measured my bust, waist, low waist, and hips to find I'm pretty disproportionate and that I don't even have the measurements that fit the "hourglass" shape, recorded it all and proceeded to work my ass off. Ran out of things to do so I only managed an hour and a half, but that's good enough. Most of it was cardio which was the main need anyway.

Shallow? You betcha. Skin deep? Hell yes. Vain? Fuck yea. But there is something to be said for feeling better about who you are on the outside. When you're unhappy with that, you tend to be unhappy with everything about yourself. Or at least I am. I just want one part of me to look nice. I've got a lot of mental baggage to deal with, but at least if I knew I looked decent in a swimsuit or at least healthy, it'd be a start. Physical appearance is a terrible confident buster and anyone who says otherwise is lying. Or else they're Victoria's Secret models. And I'm not looking to turn into a size zero, but I am looking to turn into a healthy person. And seriously, I just want to feel good about ONE thing about myself, even if it is just what I look like. And maybe I will feel better. After all, exercise releases happy endorphins or so I hear...