Back to Roots

Well I was a bit triggered tonight by something stupid bf posted on facebook and I just don't know what to do with the whole situation and I just want to call the entire relationship quits. Can I do that? Over something he doesn't even know was a problem? I can't imagine he cares about me at all right now so I mean big deal, yea?

Anyway, I'd like to go back to one of the big roots of this blog that up until a year and a half/two years ago was a HUGE topic on this blog: My faith. I still have an incredibly huge faith in God and am still, for all intensive purposes, identified as close to Christian I guess as one could get. I still absolutely hate churches and the people in them. And have still continued to have absolutely no success with becoming friends with anyone who is supposed to believe what I believe. Heck, in fact I went to church today with my parents since I was visiting them and walked in as a very unpleasant antagonistic human being. But you know what? That doesn't stop a single part of me from believing and having a relationship and faith in this God.

I don't talk much about it, probably because I don't have anyone to talk to about it. All my friends are some form of agnostic/atheist/other, and my little dream of having a boyfriend who had a similar faith so I could actually open up to about my beliefs crashed and burned. He's the worst offender, in fact. My other friends know where I stand and are incredibly respectful. In fact, I've been able to have conversations with them that didn't boil down to "why do you believe that well why do you believe that you're stupid here's why." But it's not something to be relied on, so I shut up. I even shut up on here. I guess I forgot in a way. I've been so consumed by this relationship. I've never forgotten about God, and one of the things that keeps me going is knowing in the back of my heart that he's working somehow in my life. That's where my faith is, and that faith is strong. So no, I didn't verbalize it. And I'm incredibly protective, so really I look at it like he's MY God and I'm not sharing him with you, especially since you don't care anyway view.

But bf has said things about my faith that has rubbed me the wrong way, made me feel bad (possibly indirectly), made me question the relationship really from the start. I never said anything because I was afraid I'd be rejected and the relationship WOULD end. And one of the last things that crazy ex roommate of mine said when me and David met was "If he's not Christian, don't do it. It won't work out." And well, I was bound and determined (and still am) to prove her wrong. But now, for some odd reason, his latest posts on facebook about a documentary on why religious people are wrong and stupid and the video he posted of some musical comedian making fun of someone just.... Really gets to me.

No, I don't like a lot of Christians. I am not going to lie. But I like my God and Jesus because I still believe they are love and acceptance and everything I want to be. I don't believe hardly any Christians are like that anymore because they are fucking HUMANS and let humanity take control, but again, it is still my faith, still my religion, and I am still protective of it. So when someone, especially someone I care about that I thought cares about me, starts making insulting off hand comments and not so subtle jabs, it affects me. It DOES insult me. Not gonna lie, I insult churches a lot. But I've had the experience and am technically one of them which gives me a better insight and right to do so. And I know exactly who I'm insulting. He doesn't. He just throws it all out there in one generalized big group which happens to include me. I've let it go for so long and it's probably just made me weak and constantly compromising. I've let so much go for so long. He hurts me so much sometimes. And unfortunately for me, I can't forget them. And then they start building on each other and become almost unbearable. They practically paralyze.

And now, usually, since we've had talks about opening up and discussing things, especially when I get triggered by something, I'd just say "Well when I get back to the cities I'll let him know," but I don't even know if I get that luxury right now because of his "emotional stress from work." I don't want to over pressure him, as I've said, and I'm not sure a conversation about how you insulted something that is fundamentally ingrained in me would not have some pretty good pressure attached to it. Damn, why is this relationship rough again? And why is it only rough on my end? Why does he get to be so fucking blissfully oblivious to this turmoil? This is really not fair. I just.... There is really nothing I can say.

Understanding

I'm frustrated. A little worried, and that's what frustrates me. I can't stop that this is the way I react to things and think about past events and future happenings and that's who I am as a person. But it frustrates me to know the person I care about is not this same way and cannot fully understand it nor work with me through the process. And so it frustrates me that I don't feel like I can talk and explain it when it starts happening. And I know he's asked in the past just to try to understand what I'm going through, but I assume listening and trying to take any of it in and to heart wears on his emotional capacity, so I try to do it sparingly and when I know he's in a healthy enough place to hear it.

Well, he has 3 jobs now. All kind of part of the same company, but he's doing 3 different people's jobs, and it's a lot for him. In fact, he's warned me that until it settles and gets sorted in April, he's going to be tired and won't be able to really be emotionally available for me at all. It's been a week, and I think I did really well understanding when I was with him. I'm trying to keep life easy and be chill and be more decisive and make or contribute to dinner and not be physically pushy and be too much *there.* But it's only been a week. And I had been feeling close to him recently because we were having meaningful conversations and were connecting and he was reciprocating. But now all I'm feeling is disconnection.

He can't give me what I need. I guess I require a lot of emotional care or something. Not really, it's just how I connect, and it's the opposite of anything he can do. So I know he has to work at it. But he has to use it to fuel himself through this work crap. But now because of this "emotional" thing, I don't feel like I can talk to him about anything. I'm afraid anything I talk about that is serious and meaningful and directly affecting the relationship he won't be able to contribute to and will shut down or just break up with me altogether. That's what happened the first time; his emotional capacity was so drained that he just quit and we were done. And I'm scared.  I'm worried I can't get through the next 5 months without fucking myself over somehow. Like I've said, I'm working on just emotionally disconnecting so it's easier to be around him.

I'm just not sure I'll be able to come back from it.

How do I bring up this concern? How do I bring up my concern that I'm not sure we have the same stance as far as children in the future go? How do I bring up that is stupid comment about "can I break up with you so I can have a cat" hurt me and scares me? How do I bring up that I'd like to know if marriage is a thought that has even crossed his mind or something he's interested in (just in a whole)? This is very serious stuff, and it requires serious emotional intimacy power that I don't know if he has.

And the frustrating thing is he always tells me to look on the bright side of things and to not remember bad times (such as the things I try to prevent) but good times that we've had, and if he knew this was all I was thinking about, would it annoy him? Would it just shut him down period? It's so frustrating, I don't know what to do. I would do anything to keep this relationship going and will work for it, which is why I'm trying to be as understanding as possible, but sometimes I question if he's in the same place. I have to assume I suppose, but when he never actually says that straight out, it can be hard to tell. And now this new development... It's not an excuse or scapegoat really, but it's convenient for him to not have to work. I know one of the things that he said upsets him is how I talk about being scared of things and he thinks it's him. It's not exactly, but I can't say I'm not scared right now. I can't say I can't think of about 100 things that have to do with us that doesn't scare me in some way. And that is unfortunate more than anything else. It's sucky. And I just don't know what to do.

You Cut Open Your Skin

But then what? What does it accomplish? Why is it so important for you to see that, to look upon the fresh bright blood against pale skin? To have a piece of your body exposed and vulnerable to the impurities of your surroundings? Does it make you real again? Does it make you whole? Does it make you whole to cut a piece of yourself out of your own body?

I ponder this. I don't remember the last time I sliced and diced anything from my body, and while that should be a good thing (and yes, it is), it makes me wonder what that pain felt like. Or rather, what that relief felt like. My body has been so unexposed to physical pain lately, or at least the type I crave. A sore ankle or charlie horse won't do it. Not the right kind of pain. The outer kind. The kind that happens from a hit or a fall or a bump or a push or a slice. Inner pain doesn't work on me because it's not the inner part of me that has the problem. It's my skin.

I don't feel particularly suicidal or down or anything right now. But I have nothing else to do with my night but go to bed, and it made me think I could take a little physical out on myself right now. Nothing else to do. Body seems numb. I don't have any marks or cuts or bruises (set aside from a few love bites that while they look great, don't feel like anything), and I don't remember if I know what those feel like. I don't know if I remember that burn that came with the blade or the throb that came with the bruise. So I thought "well...maybe I could."

But then I got to thinking, as the title suggests, I cut open my skin, but then what? For what? I could give you a hundred different reasons as to why I personally feel at this very moment, and all moments when I do this should do this. And it is a little fascinating. How can something raw and vulnerable create such a sense of calm and make someone feel better when they look at it? I long to see the blood, I won't lie. I long to see a deep cut with that gross mixture of bright red and yellow skin tissue all out there in the open. I terribly long to see something on my arms again. I terribly long to feel that soothing burn.

Would it make everything better? Would it solve the problems with bf? When my physical starts getting affected by my mental, my mental reset can usually be taken care of by the physical. I punch myself a few times, maybe make a few slices, would anything underlying in my brain just go away?

We've gotten better since the Destiny incident. Hell, I've even started playing Destiny (I suck at it, but I play it and sometimes actually enjoy it). He let me make an official PSN account so I can feel a part of something and I've downloaded some pinball games that entertain me and that we play together sometimes. I came out with all the shit I had been feeling and he responded in his own way. To make sure I felt a part of something and a part of him and when I mention things about how I'm wired to desire more physical contact or some other sort of thing, he shifts his behavior and I can pick them up. I notice everything that changes. And he's a wonderful guy because of that. Sure, he's never gonna say I love you...But I digress.

So why do I want to physically reset anything? I know I best connect in serious, emotional, and intimate moments. And we all know he can't and won't. Lately I've tried my hardest I guess to just try to study him, to find a connecting moment that we can share, but it's not there. Not like how I see it in my head. He doesn't respond well to solemn, while others would get goosebumps just thinking about a connection like that with someone they care about. He responds to me being happy go lucky and somewhat ridiculous. If I reset, if I cut or bruise, would the solemn desire go away? Would I go back to happy go lucky? Would whatever is holding me back sometimes from normal activities and actions and conversations I usually have go away again?

I sometimes think it will. I don't know for sure, I guess. Haven't tried it. I mean, yet, lately, whatever. Thing is, I don't see why it wouldn't. But two things could happen. I could reset back perfectly and be awesome for a while, or I could find a false sense of reset only to have something worse manifest when he sees the marks and I spiral instead. Lately I've been acutely aware of that spiral feeling that happened last year that broke us up and I've been trying to do my best to make sure that doesn't happen again. The ironic thing is it started at about this time too. I can't do anything to jeopardize that, not now. We may have had some sort of break through. Some sort of communication. And I can't fuck that up because I go back to my old ways.

That physical pain is so important, as is the visual, it's true. It does calm me, make me feel better. It's a reassurance that I can't get from anything or anyone else. But I know how people would react if they saw it. I've spent this entire time mulling over my head where a good spot on my body would be that wouldn't be seen by my mom tomorrow when we go shopping if I start trying on clothes. Or by bf when I'm prancing around in my cute little t-shirt/panty outfits. The good news is bf is not particularly observant. But my parents are. They've had a lifetime to figure out my shit and are pretty good at it now. Strange when the pros and cons revolve only around who will see the marks on your body, not the actual act of performing them. It's a pretty messed up thing. I'm a pretty messed up person with a pretty messed up body. But here I am. Here I am.

Destiny

So I've had a kinda rough past month. Cool things happened that I think people would be jealous of, and while I don't discount said experiences, I was really miserable and in a lot of pain and had a hard time.

I spent two weeks in the *as far north as you can go* part of Minnesota filming a movie as craft service, which, as I had done briefly in the past, promised to be fairly simple and straight forward with not too much pressure and just me to account for myself and keep myself in check.

Well, it didn't work that way. Turns out craft turned me into a madman, mentally and emotionally not being prepared for the demands and uncertainties that came with trying to provide food for 40 people every day. In an isolated wilderness where I couldn't quick run to starbucks when everyone suddenly needed a quick espresso pick me up at 3 o'clock in the afternoon. There was the miscommunication and big personalities that butted heads and I ended up at their mercy. Then there was the physical aspect of being on my own and trying to haul coolers, tables, cases of drinks, etc, back and forth up rocky hills, through rocky paths, against lake fronts for half a mile. On my own. Craft service was isolating. Everyone had their own little departments that they got to know each other and had common things to talk about during the filming, but I was just there. Just with my food and drinks and car and coolers. It took a huge emotional toll on me. So huge I ended up sick by the 3rd day in. It's been almost exactly a month, and I still have remnants of that sick.

So for two weeks I was isolated and away from anything and everything that ever felt comforting, normal, safe for me. Honestly, I thought it would tear me away from the bf, being there were some charming lovely crew guys there who knew how to talk and had interests like me (often things that lack in this relationship because he just *can't* or maybe at this point *won't* try to do them), but instead it just brought me closer to him. Or at least made me want to be back with him more. As well as my family. Any place safe and comforting. When we got done filming up there, we came back into Minneapolis to film another week and I had 2 days off that I could spend personally any way I wanted. Of course, I just wanted to be with bf, just us, just basking in being together again. But that became short lived and not as important I could tell, to him as it was to me. We were together, but it was the same ol' same ol', play video games, play on your phone, sit beside each other and consider it good. I needed more than that, but there was nothing I could say.

And then there was Valleyfair. For labor day, we have this tradition of going to Valleyfair. There is hardly anyone there since they all go to the state fair and labor day weekend is when they do corn fest so it's all the free corn on the cob you can eat. I was so looking forward to it, as it is our tradition, as well as being our 4 month anniversary of when we got back together. That's also extra special because we went to Valleyfair that day as well. We two work really well when we're out at places, especially places like that because that's where our similarities really lie and everything is just easy. However, I got back from up north and found out someone else was coming with us. Girl that I guess I can say is my friend, but who I still have reservations on, and now have even more since I've been out of the loop for so long. By Monday, I was sick again. Just wiped out and exhausted and physically sick, but dammit I was not going to let him go by himself with her. To a water park. With her in a swim suit. So I went. And it turned out fine. I wasn't as talkative and animated as I would normally be, but it was fine. I rode some rides with him, rode some with her, yea. But it just wasn't enough "us" time since the next day I was back on the shoot.

Halfway through filming, I got news that my great aunt who suffered from Parkinsons wasn't doing well at all and was in a coma, so I had to cut out early (which was a relief as far as the film was concerned) and head home, so again, no time with bf. Her funeral was yesterday. And now I'm back in the city, trying to remember what a normal life was like. I don't even know what I'm going to do tomorrow and that sucks.

I was warned pretty early on, and continually, that bf was getting a PS4 so he could play Destiny, and that that was going to consume his time. Destiny just came out today, and now I feel like I have nowhere to go. He posts about how great it is, how pretty the gaming console is on facebook, and I actually feel replaced. He never posts about me or us, and I guess it upsets me that he can get so excited over an inanimate object but he could care less about a real human. Funny, I suppose, feeling jealous of a game. But the emotion is there, so it's real. He's offered to *let* me "hang out with him" while he's playing it, but that environment just makes me feel bad. It always has when he's gotten wrapped up in a game. I know rationally enough it's not a complete reflection on me, and that he sees it as a totally acceptable way to spend time with me, but the fact is, it is an avoidant technique and he doesn't have to focus emotionally and all his energy on connecting with his girlfriend. I'm coming out of an incredibly isolating, stressful, and emotional month and I need nothing more than some TLC from someone I care about who I thought cared about me, but I know I will not receive that until... Well who knows when? When he gets tired of the game, I suppose. I just can't be with him without some undivided attention. And I won't rain on his parade. This is why I'm not there tonight. It would trigger my body into feeling even more disregarded. Disregard is something I've struggled with my entire life, and one of the worst feelings I can feel. Being in the situation would push me over the edge, even though being separated isn't much better.

It's just funny, I don't know where to go now. I'm alone again, like I was there. I was still surrounded by people (clearly lots too), but every waking moment on that set was another stake in the heart of how alone I was. And now being back here with nothing going on, I don't know what to do with my life. I don't know what to do with myself. And I don't even have the one person that I relied so much on to be there.

I wish I could explain better the strength that emotional connection gives me. Or just how to explain "emotional connection." He doesn't get it and doesn't have it. He has emotions, yes, I suppose, but I still look at him as cold and barren most of the time. He displays affects and emotions, but at the core, he will not connect with them. That is something that is so strongly ingrained in my being, and usually I can accept how he is. But then there are rough times like this where I need what my soul is made out of and craves, and he doesn't give it to me. I've changed and learned and know that I need to say something and explain it out to him, but right now he's in his playtime mode, and I'm not gonna knock that down. So I guess that's what writing is for. I needed to get this out. I think the most important thing I've learned and will ever learn is that we are only here for ourselves. Don't ever rely on someone else for anything, no matter who they are in relation to you. Only care about yourself.

Fucking Destiny.

How Do I Stop This?

This is very strange for me. I'm not sure why I get triggered so easily by one group of people. I'm also not sure why I am still incredibly hesitant and guarded when it comes to them. I think there's an exclusion thing that I'm dealing with, that even when I'm invited into the group setting, it's usually just as a *fifth wheel* who gets to hang out and not engage and interact. I have actually never felt so disappointed with myself that I don't play board games. And I have never been so disappointed with my social anxiety and my striving for perfection and need for comfort when trying something new. This is getting in the way. I just didn't expect this to happen.

What else do I need to do to calm my mind, quiet my fears? I have spent multiple times with these girls, done a road trip with one, so why can I not shake this? I can be there when they make plans, and it still bothers me. Something triggers in me and I can't figure it out. I first understood my reservations because I didn't know what had been going on with him and them after we broke up. And then I understood further when I realized how much he had used them as an excuse to stay away from me, which still involves a lot of remnants of pain for me. But I have acknowledged these, so should they not go away now?

I want to like them, I do. And I mean, I don't hate them or anything. But I tend to feel threatened by big personalities and bigger egos, and well, that's the group. In a way this intimidation or threat isn't a big deal, because I have dealt with many people I've felt that way about that I love now - my first intern supervisor who is now practically a second mother to me, my current boss who isn't anything to be worried about, and even one of my coworkers that I absolutely love to death. The difference is there was so much one on one time and so much observing that I could do because I was around them a lot and maybe that soothed things a lot easier. I want to do some one on one stuff with these girls, but I have a lot of reservations on that. I'm not sure how I'd handle it if I'm this thrown off just thinking about it.

And how can one part of a past affect your present and future so much? Especially when you see it? I'm not gonna lie, I've been flattered when they invite me or even start up conversations with me and sing Wicked songs in the car with me. But it's not enough. Why is it not enough? I don't trust them. I don't trust the "so comfortable in their sexual identity that they impose it on my boyfriend." I don't trust the "I guess I'll be monogamous enough and only sleep with one person but I won't emotionally commit to anyone so I could take what I need from your boyfriend."

Stop. Am I really that afraid of my boyfriend being taken away somehow? Well. Yes. Maybe I'm too fucking traditional now for this hipster society, I don't know. I just see this whole emotional attachment thing as being the biggest factor of a relationship and what connects people the most. If someone else wants to be as close as me to the person I'm in love with who should feel the same way, well, it's a threat. And he can't have it both ways. For a very long time, I was fine with playing that game, the sleep around, screw around, play around, don't attach, no emotional attachment, blah blah blah, and that changed. Because someone came into my life and suddenly became really fucking damn important. I just know what emotional shit means to me, so for someone to throw that around and possibly towards him, well that makes it hard for me. The same thing goes for the sex identity thing too. Congrats you're a model and you love your boobs and all that, and again, I used to be very similar. Course, my lack of concern for my body comes from the fact that I don't like myself period, so anything that could be deemed self damaging, I went for. Which includes random sex, not caring what's hanging out, etc.

And maybe now I just feel like I'm not worth as much, body-wise, if he can see other people anytime he wants, especially ones he hangs out with on a regular basis. My body is just an after thought now maybe, not something he strives to want to be a part of. Granted, it's not like I deny him of anything, after all, I am the more sexual creature here. Yet maybe it's just not appreciated the same anymore.

Fuck girl. The amount of insecurity you have. How did that happen? And what to do about it? You can't use it as a crutch, they will call you weak. They will think you're stupid because you're not strong. You're not "your own person." Social anxiety or not (and I know this comes with the territory), they will think you need to get the fuck over it. And they will have no problem saying that to your face. That's the kind of people they are, unfiltered, somewhat brutal, strong, independent women. And who says I'm not a strong, independent woman? I suffer from some mind shit is all. I suffer from a disorder that I certainly didn't want. I've tried to do my best for self clarity and understanding, and I have insanely improved, but that doesn't stop EVERYTHING. That does not stop the internal fight I have every time I'm around them. And I'm trying so hard to just have fun. And when we get into conversations and get going, it can be. I just don't know why, especially after distance and I hear something about what everyone's gonna be doing next, my body triggers. This is getting too complicated. How do I stop this?

Feeling Insecure

I'm gonna put this here because... Well, I can.

And I reeally don't have time to try to catch us all up to my life in the past month or so, but here's some highlights:

~Movie magic moments do apparently exist.
~Theme parks are great places to reconnect.
~Sometimes guys need you to leave before they realize that they care.
~And sometimes they need a wake up check to tell them that they need to tell you that.
~So I'm back in a relationship.
~There has been work involved on both ends.
~It's been a month.

K, that worked. But uh, yea. And things have been improved and I have been quite happy and content and have been able to understand and read and believe him more than I did and could before. He's not the easiest person to be in a first relationship with due to how he's wired and the amount of doubt and concern I had was just killing me. But now I see how he works, and that he still can't really do a good feedback response to me when something's upset me and I share it *on the spot*, but it seems the day after he processes it, I get something back. He has also seemed to make an effort to make sure I am ok when I start feeling upset or say so and will go out of his way to call when he's at work and such. Part of this is on me too, since I never could trust or believe that before if he did something like that. I wasn't sure it was genuine I guess. But things fall into place much better now.

Also, distance/separation is a very good thing. We both needed to be alone to figure our own shit out, and had everything not happened the way it did, we wouldn't be where we are now. He needed to realize, I guess, the actual amount and strength of whatever this "caring" was for me (hence being so upset over the guy situation), and I guess when he noticed that, it made him think that he should try this again. And me? Well, we all know I never stopped feeling for him. My actions were "moving on," but nothing else about me was. But the stipulation is this is real, and serious, and we all know how real and serious I am. I can only take him at face value when he says through the best of his working through the disconnect that this is for him. And I know that sounds doubtful, but I also now actually know him a bit better and know where he's acknowledged his emotional downfalls that I do not have. It's also led to actual meaningful conversations, and that was lacking the last time around. Improvements overall. Many improvements. And I take care of myself more. I like my alone time and being away from him. I know I can handle about 2 straight days on a weekend with him before I get worn out and moody. And I appreciate that this break up actually gave me that realization, understanding, and means to stick with it when I'm done.

But right, insecurity. The disclaimer here is that this seems to be a good relationship now. I wouldn't call it 110% functional, but it's not 110% dysfunctional either. It's a huge work in progress, but something I want to be a part of.

However, lately, and this is just more on me personally and mentally and I'm not sure why (which is why I'm writing it out), I've just felt overly secure and horrible about myself. I've also been increasingly nasty and mean about random people that do stupid things or movies or whatever. Super nasty. Venom spewing nasty. I mean, I have my moments, everyone does, but I know that for pretty much a month I was anything but this, and that shows me that this isn't and doesn't have to be my normal state. When we first started dating almost two years ago, this started happening to me too and it made everything fall apart. I ended up in such a hideous headspace that I started projecting things about how he sees me onto him and myself and ruined everything.

And that's how I'm feeling right now. So we don't have sex as much as we did say, oh 3 weeks ago when he couldn't keep his hands off me no matter where we were and I for the most part couldn't either. Now, we've already had talks about how he likes it when I'm the aggressor and that'll definitely get him in the mood (cuz I'm deathly afraid to start something and not have it reciprocated), and when I've said I just can't do it all the time, he just says he's been tired lately and it's been hard to...aggress. And I value sex waay more (as I still see it as a release and relaxation tool and he still sees it as more of a job and work), so I've gotten used to starting things when I want, but now I find that it all feels forced. I can't remember the last time I actually got him to cum, and everything feels a little off and awkward. We're not in sync, and there's such minimal touching. The touching thing is hard for me. I like to be explored, sucked on, bit, eaten out. I like there to be marks on my body. The more and deeper, the better. I like to look claimed. I like sensual hands rubbing over collar bones or rib cages or boobs or wherever. I like my hair and neck being grabbed and pulled into him. I like being pushed down and held. I like feeling passionate kisses.

And unfortunately, this isn't happening. And also unfortunately, all these more "sensual and passionate" things that I desire aren't just sex acts that you can tell the other person to do. They involve the desire and drive behind them that you can't force another human being to have. And I don't know what to do with that when he's just not going to do that. And I get worried when he's been like this for a little while now, always tired and such. I don't want this to end up like before and we both end up in some depression thing again. We've both battled it and it's something I try to pay huge attention to now with him and I don't know. But this gets hard on me. And I feel even worse about my body now that I'm friends with one of his friends who's a model. We're going up to a cabin this weekend and she'll probably be there and now I'm realizing how terrible my body looks and it's wearing on me even further. My size could be fine, yes, but the amount of cellulite and fat pockets and dimples this 27 "non-obese" year old has is ridiculous. My butt is not in the shape of a butt. And I have a double butt. Like a double chin, except under the butt. It's horrible and makes me feel terrible. The rest of the dimpling and puckering of skin on the back of my legs is just as bad. I've somehow put up with it because bf's told me that's something everyone looks past, but right now I just don't know if I can get in a swimsuit, especially if she's around.

I don't know why I'm feeling so inferior and insecure and horrible, but I am. And I don't like feeling secretly competitive with her. I can't compete anyways, I'm not the model. And I can guarantee this is why I'm being a bitch in real life. I'm having a hard time, and I don't like it. I don't like feeling like I'm going to be the cause we break up again because this has happened before. I'm so obsessed and focused on trying to not repeat the past with us because this is a fucking important relationship to me that I'd do anything to preserve. So can you imagine how it feels when you think you're the one who is going to ruin it? Sigh. Good talk though.

Speaking of talk, that's just what I'll have to do with him. That's been my new vow for whatever relationship I ended up in next, when I was feeling something that affected me (good or bad), I would acknowledge it and tell the person. I didn't before, and that ruined things. He kinda figured out something was up last night, but honestly? I hadn't been able to put enough thought and process into it to explain anything. And now I have. And it's really scary, having to talk about this stuff. I've done it a few times now and I've been terrified every time. I never know what I think is gonna happen, why I get so nervous. Rejection? Mocking? Getting an answer you don't want to hear? Probably. And I hate that it involves her again, since I've already had "feelings" revolving around her and some others (the gaming buddies that I was afraid to hang out with after we got back together since, well, he used them to avoid me. A little bit of pain there), and I don't want him to think I hate her or something. I don't want him to get annoyed or mad at me about it. I'm trying. Fucking trying.

But yea, there's some insecurity goin on here. I suppose it was a matter of time. I'm hoping it's just a phase. A hormonal thing or something, I don't know.