Things Got Better...

And then they got worse. And even worse after that. What the fuck is wrong with my life?

A month and a half in a nutshell:
The few days after this last entry was written, the roomie and I had a huge talking out session (or two) that finally put us in the realm of caring for each other in a more real and not faking it sense. Practically everything that's ever hurt me got out, we had good talks, she was so nice and supportive. She left me a few notes and emails in the religion department that I needed since I seemed to have lost my way (which was true). That was April 5th.

It didn't take long for April to heat up for me in the real world with three different jobs that all required a lot of energy and everything from me, and slowly but surely the stress and business began to eat away at me little by little. Her work life had turned incredibly busy as well and there were weeks where we would go a few days without seeing each other even though we were still living together. And, not like it mattered since I was never home during her waking hours, any of her free time became devoted to the boyfriend. But it was quite a divide, spending waking hours separate from each other, having other people to focus on, the amount of stress one is put on when managing a film festival while managing and supplying the wardrobe and props for a film, and quickly my body became hollow.

It's like something flipped in my brain and body that said "You're so busy right now that no one would blame you if you became self-destructive." So I stopped eating. The hunger took the place of the need to hurt myself because I still felt the same emotions when he was over. I had started understanding some of it before then, but knowing I could get away with not eating and feeling that true hollow feeling in your stomach was exhilarating. I read somewhere one of the attractions to starvation is how it makes you feel light headed and high and I had never experienced that, but I was doing so much physical activity that it didn't take long for it to kick in. And I loved it. And then I discovered how much I loved never being at home or when coming home looking like I had this huge purpose and was always on the run and that did give me a feeling of purpose.

Somewhere in there we tried to have a roomie day out to bond and watch Lost and do everything we had done that had become an "us" thing that lasted until about 6 when her boyfriend showed up and they went out for dinner. Oh well, I didn't want to monopolize her time anyway. I just knew there'd be a problem when we were talking about life and she said that maybe we could schedule time with each other every other Sunday or something. Now it's just an appointment.

Also somewhere in there and I can't remember if it was before or after the roomie day, she called me out. We had decided to do a movie and I didn't hear all the plans she actually had and was frustrated and also driving and blew up while on the phone with her. It shouldn't be a big deal; it happens. But I was distant the rest of the night and trying but just failing at being anything other than aloof and I guess she caught on if her standing in the dark behind me after I just got home and saying "So do you wanna talk about what happened today?" was any indication. She never said anything about my specific behavior of self-destruction, but at this point it was just an elephant in the living room. She also continued on with suggestion I see someone about my anger which made me all but laugh. Yea, I bottle things up and eventually they come out, but it's rare and also NORMAL. Then there was talking about that she could tell how miserable and hurt I was holding in myself and that it made her feel bad and that I needed peers who would be there for me and I needed Christian peers to help me with the spiritual stuff and that I'm in her life and she feels for me even though we're both soo busy we can't spend time together. Ugh.

My crazy schedule ended briefly, for less than a week really, before I found another film project to be a part of and a screenwriting class and my usual commitments, and she got increasingly busy with having to go out of town on weekends for work. And when she came home, time was devoted to the boyfriend. And on occasion the best friend. And if I thought I was dark and deeper that last weekend in April, it was nothing compared to the darkness and desolation that's taken me over since May started. Maybe because I was trying to deliberately hurt myself by going to a party (that was classy for the film festival mind you and I stayed classy while I was there), drinking as much as I could, and ending up at some guy's house to engage in some... Bedroom fun with him and a friend. In some ways I haven't gotten over that because it was so unfulfilling for me. I didn't need much, and I knew something like that wouldn't solve anything, but just for a moment, I had hoped it had done something for me. Because I wanted it and I deliberately sought it out. There was just... Nothing.

And now, back to the present, and maybe to actual rants about the past. The last weekend when she was out of town yet again, I discovered something shocking and kind of painful. I'm happy when she's not around. I mean, I felt fine. I was eating again, I wasn't tired, I wasn't just hurting and trying to fight it away. And when she came back... With a friend might I add, my heart just sank. My entire body just sank. And everything came into perspective. It was clear.

I had been forgotten about and disregarded long ago. The little shpeel about how she cared for me and that I was in her life was all but a lie. If that was the case, she would have made the effort to maybe ONE night out of the week spend it with me instead of going out with her boyfriend or going to his place or him coming here or doing it all in one day. And then came the other hang outs with other friends and actually that's the only forgivable thing the night she came home with her best friend because she needs to work on that relationship. It got fucked after the boyfriend came around. But then came the his and byes and meaningless chatter that only lasted 10 minutes a night if we were lucky, but of course here came the boyfriend to get hours upon hours with her.

Ok, I'm ranting. The bottom line is this: I've been hurting because I've been replaced. There have just been so many times where she comes home and says "What are you doing tonight?" and when I reply I have very little, it looks promising that it will finally be my chance, someone walks through the door. And I'm kicked down again. It's just... For once, see me? Because I feel horrible when I look at you. We aren't warm to each other anymore. We don't leave notes for each other anymore. We don't even have anything to say to each other anymore. And I'm so angry and frustrated that it seems like everything she ever said to me was a lie, a complete joke. Because I know you're busy, but if I was important, wouldn't you maybe take one out of the 3 nights you have free to spend with me?

But I get it, I get it, we have priorities. Her relationship priorities are the boyfriend which makes sense since you have to get to know them I guess. I wouldn't know anything about relationships like that, but I guess it seems you should get to know each other which comes with time. And then the best friend which I know has its own hurdles and crevices thanks to the boyfriend situation, the dynamic change and all. And then other friends that have a longer history with her. And then there's me. And you know what? That's fine. I won't be the one to blow up, to tell her what she should do or what she hasn't done or how she should feel or act. She chooses her own life and she has. And I still care enough about her to know she's going through her own hard times at work and I won't be the person to attack and hurt her at a time like this. Because it would hurt her if I just let it all out. Even though it's supposed to be emotions and feelings that supposedly she likes to talk about, this isn't my place. It directly affects her too much. And that's why I keep silent when I'm around her.

I could've stayed content with that, but the past week seems to have become too much for me. I broke down last night when I realized I was ready to sacrifice every single positive thing that has happened to me here to just go back home and get out of this house. But I had had enough. I feel like a stranger in this house and that with the amount of time those two spend together, they may as well just get married already. They're having dinner parties here, going out with friends and then coming home and watching movies all night, just crap that has gotten ridiculous to me. We are at two completely different stages of life, and we need to go through them separately. That's why I won't dare attack or criticize what she's doing, because it's completely appropriate for what stage of life she's in. But I need to be somewhere else.

I'm foreseeing something intense and probably bad happening in the future. But I also foresee we might not see each other for almost a whole week this week. I'm keeping myself busy tomorrow, Tuesday I AM busy all day and then driving back home until Friday. And ya know what? Maybe that's what we need. Hurts me a little thinking about it, but I hurt no matter what.

Bed Ridden

Well. This day hasn't gotten any better.

Actually it was when I was out of the house. Had a fairly long production meeting that went really well and I think I'm showing vulnerability there that is super important for the producer and director to see and give me positive feedback. And I really just didn't want to come back to the house. I knew my roommate was having a grill out thing with her church small group and while I've met them all before and participated, I just wasn't having it tonight. Had some good food that I barely ate but it was good, and then snuck up to my room the second they were getting ready to discuss something. Just... Not tonight, ya know?

And now all I can do is lie in bed and hate myself. Hate what I'm feeling. Hate that when I went downstairs briefly, they were there on the couch and all she could do was give me a wink.

I just want to know why I'm feeling this? Why am I crying? Why do I hurt so badly? Why is my body breaking on the inside? Why when I look in the mirror I don't know who I'm looking at? Why do I have to be hurting myself again? Why do I so badly want to start slicing my arms up? Because I know I can do it deeper there with more control, and then I can look at it all the time and feel a calm. Because I took these feelings I don't want to have out of my body. I hate this. And I don't know if I feel so bad because I've regressed or if I just feel bad about my environment. And I feel bad that I might feel bad about my environment. Because up until this point my environment has been lovely. And I hate the thought that my roommate gets wise and begins thinking it's about this new development because I don't want to make her feel bad. And I honestly don't give a flying fuck about this couple thing. I don't care when he comes over, I don't care if he comes over, whatever time of day. I don't care, she can do whatever she wants, I'm ok with that.

Then why do I feel like I'm dying? And why does it flare up when he's here?

Fuck this. I'm not gonna be some passive aggressive bitch and make her stop the best thing that's happened in her life in a long time. I'm fine with suffering, but she doesn't have to.

I just wish I could tell her things. I should've been able to do this long ago. I'm a virtual stranger and shell living under this roof, and that's not right either. It's almost 10:30. That's an appropriate time to sleep, yea?

Declared Healthy

"And sent back into the world. My final diagnosis? Recovered borderline. What that means, I still don't know. Was I ever crazy? Maybe. Or maybe life is. Crazy isn't being broken, or swallowing a dark secret, it's you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever..."

~Last one, Girl, Interrupted

What Would You Have Said to Her?

"I don't know. That I was sorry. That I'll never know what it was like to be her, but I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. And you try to fit in, but you can't. You hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside."

~More Girl, Interrupted

I'm Ambivalent

"I don't care."
"If it's your favorite word, I would've thought-"
"It means 'I don't care!'"
"On the contrary, ambivalence suggests strong feelings in opposition. Prefix as in ambidextrous means 'both,' the rest of it in Latin means 'figure.' The word suggests that you are torn between two opposing courses of action."
"Will I stay or will I go?"
"Am I sane or am I crazy?"
"Those aren't courses of action."
"They can be for some."

~Girl, Interrupted

Reflection Time?

I don't know. I only say that cause that's what my roommate's gone off and done so here I am sitting in bed at 6pm listening to X-Ray Dog music and freezing and wondering where my life went.

I feel horrible. I feel so sick, so miserable, so down, so everything. Last time my body was ever affected like this was high school when I was convinced I was going to die. Starting to think it might happen now.

I am apparently not handling some things very well over here if last night/this morning/today was any indication. I've actually fully mentally regressed back to high school mentalities and self destructive behaviors and man, it just sucks. All I want to do is sleep, but I don't really seem to get very good sleep. Sometimes I just want to yell "that's it, I'm done!" but I don't know who or what it's in reference to. I think I just want to be done with life. It makes me tired and sad and do things to myself and all I can think about is how preoccupied I've become with the thoughts of hurting myself. I just want to do it more, I want to feel the burn more, I want to know that I feel something underneath the layers of my clothes that no one else could have any clue exists.

Man, and I really thought I fucked something up with my roommate last night, but obviously it was all in my head if today was any indication as we got home at pretty much the same time and sat across from each other at the table and had a normal (enough) conversation. There was a small moment of "what's wrong with you" directed towards me that I desperately tried to deflect, but you know, I'm not as savvy as I think I am I'm sure. And what could I say? I can't even completely understand what feels I'm feeling or why I feel them, so I sure as hell can't verbalize it to someone else. I only know I feel like absolute shit and wishing I wasn't conscious for like the next 48 hours. I know I was very sick when I woke up this morning. I know I used to be exactly like this when I was in high school and suffering through life one miserable day at a time. Anyways, she was oblivious to the thing that I thought ruined things so that was fine.

Ya know, this is because I'm being God-less right now. I'm not completely trying, but I'm not trying very hard to incorporate anything religious in my life. I sleep with this bible beside me. I never open it. I wrap a cross around my wrist at night to save myself from the weird things that can happen, but how long before my blind ignorant faith gets the best of me and I'm propelled into hell or something? I'm now so preoccupied by this hell concept I don't even know what to do with myself. It's like, good things are happening to people who are actively taking the time to read their bibles and put God as a focus in their life and I'm just getting worse. I never lose my faith, but I just flit. It's like I'm floating through life right now, taking circumstances as they come. I don't make my own, I'm not being proactive living, I just wander daily and whatever happens, happens. Sometimes I don't like the idea of being able to control my life. That's why I like it when I'm drunk. There is no control.

It just sucks that I'm back to "high school" in my head. It sucks that I can't tell her things. I really want to, but there's never a good time. I'm supposed to learn how to be a little more reliant on others, and I live with someone... Doesn't that mean we're supposed to confide? God knows she has in me. I guess I just think I'm too much. If I started one little thing, it would all come out and... I think it's better it doesn't. Maybe if I can get to the weekend, things will go away. I won't be tired. I would like that.

Realization

I'm coming to the realization that when good things happen to the people around me, I start reminding myself of why I'm such a loser and how much I hate myself. Maybe it's a subconscious thing to try to turn attention back to me, but since I don't say anything out loud it can't be very effective if it's true. And I have had good things happen to me, so I shouldn't be complaining.

But I mean, it's not like things happen or are going to happen to me in the relationship department and I guess that's always the downer that comes creeping back into my mind every once in a while. It's like I have to make sure to remind myself of crap when I'm having the best time of my life and am on top of the world. Ok, stay grounded, I get it. But isn't there a better way to do that than making me feel like crap since I know I'm never going to have another half or other to be a part of my life? It's like, I get it, I'm going to be alone, great. Which is why it's good that I may be getting a little success in the job side of my life since that's all I've got going for myself.

It's unfortunate, knowing you're too screwed up or crazy to ever have a decent relationship or guy be a part of your life, but I mean, the normal, stable guys don't want crazy girls. I will always be a crazy girl I fear, I mean, my arms just prove it. Relationships are hard enough work as it is, so why would someone take on a case that makes it even more difficult to deal with? We should all aspire to ease in our lives, especially with relationships since they feel like the things that make or break you the most, so why would you do extra work? I wouldn't. And I very well know that all I am is work and no one is going to take me on. And it's fine. I made my bed and am lying in it. Would I have still done it if I knew I would be here at this point in my life? I can't say. When you're in high school or any major point of your life it's really hard to see beyond it with the realization that you'll be changed, grown, have better perspective. And in a lot of ways I really thought I wasn't going to make it past high school.

So, I have to be supportive of the others around me who may not be perfectly put together but are better off than I and hope for the best in their lives and loves and trials and tribulations. I'll never have any experience to go off of to help them with, but hopefully somehow I'll be able to make do. All the better for everyone else. And me? Tch, what do I care? I don't even want to be alive most days.