The Personality Disorders

For people's future references, this is what I deal with on a daily basis.

Not that anyone gives a damn.

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||||||||||||| 86% Schizoid |||||||||||||||||||| 82% Schizotypal |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Antisocial |||||| 30% Borderline |||||||||||||||||||| 82% Histrionic |||||||||||| 46% Narcissistic |||| 14% Avoidant |||||||||||||||||| 78% Dependent |||||||||||||||| 62% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||| 34%

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Someday...

"..when I'm over you,
And when I think I'm able to,
Well, I might try to be your friend again."

I'm going insane that I can't sleep. My fault though, too much stuff on my mind. I don't talk to anyone anywhere so it builds up and then tada! Elle has sleepless nights. Grr.

I'm mad that the guy I wanted to sleep with kinda just up and left the area. I'm not surprised though, he was never the type to have commitment or stability. Granted that's why I wanted to do him so badly, so it'd be done and we'd never have to speak again. And it's even more annoying that I finally moved back into his area. Well fuck you, whatever.

Not too long ago I happened upon a church page on facebook whose slogan I took as a personal challenge. Which isn't surprising really when it comes to me. I take everything involving this faith as a personal challenge. And as I should. I'm not going to be some oblivious ignorant religious fool if this is indeed my faith path that I chose. I'm not going to be the damned people in Silent Hill whose blind faith *in theory* kept them safe. And on that note, I am not a charity case. And for a bit, I feared that's what I was going to become. Someone's charity case for the greater good of his god. I am NO ONE's charity case.

Anyways. At least this church knows how to make contact with newbs properly and actually follow up correctly unlike some douchebags I know. I have half a mind to "kidnap" a certain person who thinks he can be this high and holy pastor of his own incredibly lame church and bring him to this service and tie him down to a chair and tell him flat out that if he doesn't figure out how to act like these people, he's just a fool and slight hypocrite and quite frankly, a jerk. Really only full of himself in the end. In fact, his entire family is like that. Yuck.

On that note, I feel like I haven't gotten closure with this person, but I don't really know the rules for such things and if I'm smart, I'll try to keep my fingers off my phone's texting ability. And it's that church too. I feel like I have the responsibility of telling these people how they hurt other people with false promises and frivolous pursuits. Sometimes people don't see certain things because they're engulfed in it, which is what outsiders are for. I have always been the outsider pretty much everywhere I've ever been, and this seems to be one of those cases that they're so ignorant and full of themselves and their talk that they've lost the entire point of reaching out to people like me. And that's why it hurt me so much. And I can only imagine I can't be the only person in this situation and that means I won't be the only person to be hurt by these people. It's thrown me into a tailspin of... crap, how dare people *of faith* do such a thing to another human being?

"I guess I'll die a bit each day,
But I'm always dying anyway.
I don't have the heart to stay.
And I can't take the pain."

Well I'm pretty messed up now. And every time I'm at that... good... church, it becomes more glaringly obvious. I've been twisted into something that isn't even worth a church and I listen to these messages and these songs and people that talk to me afterwards and I realize that I am so far gone. I am so angry. I am so bitter. So jaded. And as much as I would love someone to fix that, I know it won't happen. I don't tell my insides to anyone. They don't need the bother. And if anyone ever had been told, well, then I guess those people should realize they're special. But you know what? No matter. I won't be making that mistake again.

I moved into a house with someone. She's super nice and all and seems to want to be in my life but I just don't think I can let her in past surface. I realized just how much baggage I have from every little thing and person that ever happened in my life and it's just too much to even bother with. Though I guess the good news is she's on a mission trip til the 21st so guess who gets the whole house to herself?

Things could be worse.

I like being alone on my own again. Actually, I think the feelings are mixed, but they're also numbed. This tends to happen when I'm off on my own again. Actually, maybe I'm always numb. To be brazenly honest, I've started watching NCIS again and realized I'm the spitting image of Ziva at the moment. Ok, not looks wise (I only wish), but how she's restless and alone and looking for stability and a place to call her own and family. I had no idea the writers were using me as their Ziva inspiration. Also I managed to miss the fact we're in season 9. But I watched the last episode with that Tiva moment at the end... And the way Tony looked at her... I just....

Would someone ever look at me like that?

Sometimes when I'm sitting in my new bedroom rearranging my candles and incense completely alone and secure, I sort of wish someone would come up from behind me and wrap his arms around me a brief moment before I ask him what he thinks of the new arrangement. Because it's awesome to know that deep down I'm only insecure. And how lonely must it look on the outside with one lone girl in this huge house all alone in an isolated upstairs cranny organizing her makeup with no sense of home whatsoever? I am so tired.

And now I'm a strange cross between Ziva and Linda Salerno and I don't know how to take this. I only know I believe I've moved closer to that infamous bridge in the movie and my birthday is this month. Yea yea I've been threatening this for years or whatever but maybe I just need to visit the bridge. I know I can't very well kill myself or anything and jumping off a bridge is not on my top 10 ways to go, but hey, when in...a metaphorical state, do as they do? I'm also thinking about doing an extensive character study on Linda because everything about her is me and it's the most gut wrenching thing I've ever seen in film, how she was so spot on. Patrick Coyle is a frickin genius and I have a feeling he didn't even realize who he was creating when he wrote that.

Anyways, back to the matter at hand? Um, lonely lonely blah blah blah alone useless empty human being shell yadda yadda. It will never change. I'd love to say otherwise, but I know this state I'm in is never going to change. And I can keep trying to go to that church and its events to feel "fulfilled," but I know it will never end this pathetic existence of a life. It will never give me what or who I need. But that's because it's this world. And this world is not on my side.

"Someday when I'm over you,
And when I think I'm able to,
Well, I will try to be your friend again.

I don't want to see your face til then."

Song credits~The lovely Kristin Chenoweth. Who knew she had that in her?

Reflection, Regression, and Nonsense: Nonsense

"Babble babble
Bitch bitch
Rebel rebel
Party party
Sex sex sex
And don't forget the violence.
Blah blah blah
Got your lovey dovey
Sad and lonely
Stick your stupid slogan in.
Everybody sing along"

I've forgotten how much I actually like some Manson songs. Though it's especially awkward when you have Manson running through your head and your watching the American Country Awards. Kinda sorta a disconnect there. Oh well, I'm only in it for Kristin.

Speaking of adorable, bubbly, happy, gorgeous people... I am the complete opposite of that. I feel so dark on the inside and angry. I am angry. There are so many people I want to scream at and tell them just how much they've hurt me. The idiotic, oblivious jerk who pretends you don't exist. The hypocritical church who didn't actually care I existed. The people who scold me and act like I'm a child. This religion. This religion....

I've officially changed my religious view on facebook to flagellant, which makes for perfect rationalization for me to destroy myself. If it's all about the body of flesh being in the way of a soul's growth and strength and that it must be punished for that, I'm all for it. Kill this shell. Kill it. Set this poor soul free. It's screaming. It's suffering.

I'm officially gone; I'm done. And I'll revel in it. And do you know why? Because there is no one here to say otherwise. No one here to even give a slight damn about me. No one to pull me back. And why would there be? Everyone (especially the Christians) have just walked away from me, completely out of my life. It's just too tiring is all. Bring on the darkness. It has always welcomed me.

Reflection, Regression, and Nonsense: Regression

Yea yea I know, big gap between entries. Not that it matters; I doubt anyone is reading or cares.

I've had to give up on that church. I was just feeling too much pain and anger when I was there and even though they seemed to start off with this "welcoming" idea, I learned that the people that started this church already have a church and seem to have a habit of starting things up (now a cafe as well) and just roaming in their little pack that they had already formed. And I had never tried so hard in my life to go to their events and try to set things up with people and it never worked. It just hurts.

And I suppose I should've taken a cue months ago when one of them told me Jesus was cliquey. Wow Elle, miss the foreshadowing much? That was like bitch slap you in the face obvious.

And that can't be true. There is no way in hell Jesus could have been cliquey. It doesn't serve his purpose at all or God's. He was always out welcoming people, helping them. Yea, he had is 12 "holy boys" that all I can imagine probably had some big ego complexes thinking they were the top shit because they ran with Jesus, but Jesus never denied anyone. And in fact, he spent time with the people everyone else had ostracized and hated. How? How can that be cliquey? If anything the disciples were cliquey and I have NO DOUBT about that. These church people (and that one in particular) make me think they are no better than those disciples. Yep yep they wrote some stuff for that thing called the Bible, but other than those books, we have NO IDEA what the hell they were like outside of that. I bet they were jerks. I bet they were ignorant fools. I bet they were like..... That person.

Anyways, regression. I've pretty much gone through all six seasons of Xena since I was like 14 all over again and found I was feeling very similar to the way I felt then. Like my imagination kicked up again and the way I viewed life around me went screaming back to how I was when I was a kid. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I find I've immersed myself and escaped to a place and level that hasn't been seen for a while, but I feel like it's the only thing keeping me alive.

There is something about that show, those characters, that relationship, that has always stuck with me and ingrained what I believe friendships can be. I was young, but I understood the whole lesbian subtext thing people loved to throw around, but I never believed Xena and Gabrielle were lovers even after the writers purposefully started writing material to reflect as such cuz I'm pretty sure they were just having fun with it (and honestly, as a writer I would do the same thing on my show). Xena just taught me that a best friend can be your soulmate, that you can be as close as family with people without having to screw them or marry them. I believe that and I always have. I have no boundaries with what is labelled "acceptable" because I know how close people can be when they spend an insane amount of time together. You're bound to create that bond that Xena and Gabrielle had because well, they traveled for six years together, just the two of them. There were secrets, there were tears, there wear laughs, there was a bond that even in death was never ever going to be broken. And I'm so obsessed with the damn show because I'm so lacking even anything similar to a relationship like that in my own life. I would say I had it when I was younger in elementary school and again in high school, but life has changed and we've grown apart and that's the way it is. But dammit, just.... I've only ever wanted to be close to people and have that bond that I know exists without thinking I'm now their lover or we have to get married. But I live in a fantasy world, so I suppose I'm wrong

I'm having a hard time with this faith thing. I'm really torn and confused and somewhat angry trying to understand just what the fuck God wants and is doing to (for) me. I stopped going to that church and any of their meetings and it had been almost 2 weeks of that and not even hearing a "hey are you all right we didn't see you today" text since I had been there FROM THE BEGINNING, so I calmly (in tears) stated to God:

"It's ok if I'm not meant to be a part of a church community. I'm ok with that. But please, can you not bring people into my life that aren't meant to stay? It hurts too much. I can't do it anymore."

The very next day I got a text from a certain someone about how they missed me at an event. We had a small conversation, I tried to once again get schedules aligned so we could maybe hang out and actually get to know each other and got the standard "too crazy busy" text with nothing else. Pain. Oh so much pain. The hurt, you don't understand. And what is God doing to me? I don't know how to live with this God and suddenly I'm wishing we lived in Xena world where the gods would appear in front of them and they'd talk or fight or argue or whatnot. I'd really like that ability right about now. It's like... I just can't do it. I can't live like this and with this. I am not a fall-back person that someone can just randomly text when they've run out of options for their selfish entertainment. I dealt with that in high school and I almost killed myself. So many scars, so many scars....

And I'm done. I'm going to do what I want with and to the people I want. There's this guy that I'm just hankering to sleep with that I just met and now I see nothing stopping me. The good boys don't seem to like me, so I guess I have to run with the bad boys. I just want hands on me, I just want to feel wanted for a second, desired, regarded. And he pays attention to me on facebook when no one else does (even if I've known them forever), and that little extra bit? Is the reason I'd fuck him. My soul will always be God's. But my body is a useless shell that needs to be destroyed. It will be nobody's. Not even mine.

Reflection, Regression, and Nonsense: Reflection

Well. Three weeks after I say I'm prepping myself to get into this new situation with new people at some new church and I finally get around to giving a follow up. I went twice, missed this last time around and now I'm not even sorry. I'm angry again actually and I'm trying really hard to not direct that towards God since ya know, that's never a good sign and well it's not like you win against a god anyways.

I can't lie, it started out well. It was small and people were nice and would greet you and talk to you afterwards and I got along with them. The church itself was catering to broken people that most churches dismiss like the alcoholics or the ones from broken families who are often told "When you clean up your act come back." And in many ways I liked that because we all know how broken I feel inside.

So maybe my beef isn't with that church so I have to take that back. But I still have a beef and I'm still angry and still feel, well, forsaken. There were just some people that I kind of thought looked at me with a bit of regard and respect and I guess I was wrong. I tried really hard last week to try to set up things so I could hang out and get to know the...*people*... better, and everything was just shot down. Our schedules do a terrible job of lining up and in fact it seems they never do, but I tried to keep in contact and knew one day might be a small possibility after they finished something else so I let them know I was open and let me know when you're done.

I got nothing.

The next day was a get together that I had to miss because of work and I never got even a "was hoping to see you there" text. And days went on and nothing. Then I missed church. Once again, nothing.

I'm not trying to look demanding or needy, which is how this might sound. The point of these lost and missing text messages is that while I've instigated all the talking, I kept it open with one glimmer of hope that maybe said people would think of me for even a second and be like "where is she?" It's all about regard really, feeling even a smidgen of significance to someone else. I have that for them, that's why I would text them about trying to work something out with our busy schedules. I just don't know why I'm not even a passing thought in their minds. But maybe I just ask too much.

I don't know how to make friends now that I'm out of school and in the real world. It was so easy when you were a kid, and even a high schooler; you were always around other people so of course you made friends. They were always there. And you always found the people you had things in common with and went from there day after day, class after class, and before you knew it you had driver's licenses and were going to malls together and eating sushi and tada! You were friends. I'm not around anyone anymore. I'm really alone. I'm not exaggerating; my daily life is a lonely one. I keep thinking you're supposed to find people that you have things in common and go to the same places and start doing things with them, and I tried that. Doesn't seem to be working. But I picked people that were so social, had so many friends already, it's not a surprise I'd be pushed to the back burner and maybe even forgotten. And honestly, I knew that going in. So I'm not mad at the person, not really.

But I'm mad that this has been the story of my life for 24 years. And I've tried to stay faithful to a Christian path and Christian way of life. I've wanted to make close friends with a similar faith who understood what I was going through and who I could talk about things like God with without being judged, and ever since I was old enough to comprehend, I have hopped from place to place trying to find that and I have never gotten anything or anyone from it. Sometimes for a brief moment people would come into my life and be so excited to have met me, give me their contact information, promise that we were going to become *such* good friends, and within a month, have disappeared completely from my life. Someone even lasted a few years, but was ultimately gone without warning.

The thing is, I look to God as the director of my life, the shaper. Everything happens for a reason and I believe that and since I believe in God, He must be the one doing it. But the odds are so stacked against me with relationships, so against me. I just really thought this time was finally going to be my moment, my turning point, my revelation, my new life. I really thought I had earned it now. 24 years is a long time, it just seemed it could be right. But I guess not. I'm back to where I am. And I really want to think this means God has an even cooler thing planned out for me, but at this point, I truly believe the only plan God has for me is for me to be alone. I keep using the analogy of how many times can you get kicked down before you stay down? There are only so many ribs you can break before you can no longer get back on your feet. Mine are all broken. And God? I don't know what the hell You want from me.

I had a small breakdown moment to my dad the other night (luckily tears didn't ensue) where I revealed such feelings and concerns, and of course he had nothing to say to help me. I mean, how can anyone have any words of wisdom for something like this? It's all beyond our control and no third party can fix it for you, especially when even you can't. But I stated and threatened quite plainly to him that I've tried to keep myself a good little girl and go to the correct places for friendships, but I am now so desperate for attention, for even fake friendships, for a hug, for a touch, that I will gladly wear the lowest cut top I have and the shortest skirt I own and get myself so hammered that I will get all the attention and touching I need and I won't regret a single damn thing. And you know what? I am not lying. If there was any time for someone like oh, a god to be concerned, it would be now. Lost my way? Well seems *someone* just deserted me there with no rhyme or reason. So of course I've lost my way, I don't know where the hell I was left!

It's frustrating, it is. And I can't say I blame this religion for making my life the way it is, but I think without certain convictions that are so ingrained in me, I would have been easier off in the world. Things could have been different. I wouldn't be so alone. And that's the truth.

Missing

Please, please forgive me
But I won't be home again.
Maybe someday you'll look up
And barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
Isn't something missing?

You won't cry for my absence, I know
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant?
Am I so insignificant?

Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

Even though I would sacrifice,
You won't try for me
Not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?

Please, please forgive me
But I won't be home again.
I know what you do to yourself.
Breathe deep and cry out.
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

Even though I would sacrifice,
You won't try for me
Not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?

And if I bleed, I'll bleed
Knowing you don't care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you,
I'll wake without you there.
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something?

Even though I would sacrifice,
You won't try for me
Not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.

Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?


Missing~ Evanescence

Tomorrow's Prep

I'm going to a new church tomorrow. It's all new, never before seen. I have my reservations and my hesitations as always. I know they're making a big deal out of the idea that they will be the all-encompassing "welcoming" church that no one is anymore, but I'm having a hard time believing I'll see anything different than what I've always seen and I'll get the same responses that I always have, which I have to say, are quite lack luster.

It's not that there's someone there I'm trying to impress (except that there is), but I'd like to be able to be a big deal in this new church environment where this person will be schmoozing up the crowd. They're so extroverted, so energetic, so outgoing that this won't be a problem for them. But with that comes the notion that they know everyone and will talk to anyone and you know what? I can't compete on that level. I can't rely on my personality getting any job done when I'm in a church and I think we all know that. There are far too many better personalities that don't have hesitations or anxieties or problems that overshadow me (triple threat girl anyone?) and when they get together with another personality just as strong, I may as well stay home.

So I'm going with the superficial tactics. I think I've said before how much I value physical and superficial beauty and looks because that's the only time I ever feel even *slightly* desired and worth something in life. It's a hollow lie for a hollow girl living in a hollow shell. But when she can't compete with something real and true, she finds her best Betsey Johnson Victorian-bustle inspired jacket, her trendy stilettos with the adorable bows, her best pair of jeans that fits and hugs everything just right, and works it. Not just "works it," "saunters," "prowls." Prowling through a church? Why not. They don't regard me, I don't regard them. And I'm unconventional. If anyone can get away with wearing a corset in a church (which I did for my grandmother's funeral) and not looking like a tramp, it's me. I'm constantly pushing these small things, these idealistic wishes that no one can fulfill, and it's as simple as clothing. And if this clothing that doesn't belong in Hicksville, and this waist long mane of curls, and the way I can make up my face so well can get me some attention, I'm doing it. Why even try to hide it?

And I bet some will say she's trying too hard. Damn straight she is. And do you know why she is? Because you don't see her when she's not out there. Because you don't give a damn about her when she just has sneakers and jeans and a t-shirt on. Did anyone ever think when they see these people that are clearly out of control trying too hard that they might actually need help? That they might actually be hurting inside and aren't the sluts or fools that we all think they are? That these 15 year old girls are in trouble, if only in their minds? Sometimes people need someone outside of everything they've known to help them. But you know what? The people outside? They don't give a flying fuck. And that stuff inside those girls' heads that others write off as nonsense and childish? Those are the only things shaping them, the only things they know, the only things they relate to. And that makes them incredibly broken not even to their own fault.

This has veered a little. The bottom line I was getting at is simply this: Person I like and would like to become friends with at new church is a little too extroverted/energetic/all over. And so far I have seen no signs of them even having a passing thought about me in which they might shoot a text or facebook message over, unlike me who has a few times made funny quips about something they've said. It's obvious I'm not worth that much in their eyes and it's going to be more obvious tomorrow when I'm sitting in their church surrounded by their closest 600 friends. And that's why I'm making sure I look like nothing they have ever laid eyes on. I'm rocking out the superficial beauty (even if I'm not sure I even have the beauty to begin with) and the trendy clothing and the big city lifestyle because that, and only that, will make them look twice at me.

This is a fucking horrible world we live in.