Well. Three weeks after I say I'm prepping myself to get into this new situation with new people at some new church and I finally get around to giving a follow up. I went twice, missed this last time around and now I'm not even sorry. I'm angry again actually and I'm trying really hard to not direct that towards God since ya know, that's never a good sign and well it's not like you win against a god anyways.
I can't lie, it started out well. It was small and people were nice and would greet you and talk to you afterwards and I got along with them. The church itself was catering to broken people that most churches dismiss like the alcoholics or the ones from broken families who are often told "When you clean up your act come back." And in many ways I liked that because we all know how broken I feel inside.
So maybe my beef isn't with that church so I have to take that back. But I still have a beef and I'm still angry and still feel, well, forsaken. There were just some people that I kind of thought looked at me with a bit of regard and respect and I guess I was wrong. I tried really hard last week to try to set up things so I could hang out and get to know the...*people*... better, and everything was just shot down. Our schedules do a terrible job of lining up and in fact it seems they never do, but I tried to keep in contact and knew one day might be a small possibility after they finished something else so I let them know I was open and let me know when you're done.
I got nothing.
The next day was a get together that I had to miss because of work and I never got even a "was hoping to see you there" text. And days went on and nothing. Then I missed church. Once again, nothing.
I'm not trying to look demanding or needy, which is how this might sound. The point of these lost and missing text messages is that while I've instigated all the talking, I kept it open with one glimmer of hope that maybe said people would think of me for even a second and be like "where is she?" It's all about regard really, feeling even a smidgen of significance to someone else. I have that for them, that's why I would text them about trying to work something out with our busy schedules. I just don't know why I'm not even a passing thought in their minds. But maybe I just ask too much.
I don't know how to make friends now that I'm out of school and in the real world. It was so easy when you were a kid, and even a high schooler; you were always around other people so of course you made friends. They were always there. And you always found the people you had things in common with and went from there day after day, class after class, and before you knew it you had driver's licenses and were going to malls together and eating sushi and tada! You were friends. I'm not around anyone anymore. I'm really alone. I'm not exaggerating; my daily life is a lonely one. I keep thinking you're supposed to find people that you have things in common and go to the same places and start doing things with them, and I tried that. Doesn't seem to be working. But I picked people that were so social, had so many friends already, it's not a surprise I'd be pushed to the back burner and maybe even forgotten. And honestly, I knew that going in. So I'm not mad at the person, not really.
But I'm mad that this has been the story of my life for 24 years. And I've tried to stay faithful to a Christian path and Christian way of life. I've wanted to make close friends with a similar faith who understood what I was going through and who I could talk about things like God with without being judged, and ever since I was old enough to comprehend, I have hopped from place to place trying to find that and I have never gotten anything or anyone from it. Sometimes for a brief moment people would come into my life and be so excited to have met me, give me their contact information, promise that we were going to become *such* good friends, and within a month, have disappeared completely from my life. Someone even lasted a few years, but was ultimately gone without warning.
The thing is, I look to God as the director of my life, the shaper. Everything happens for a reason and I believe that and since I believe in God, He must be the one doing it. But the odds are so stacked against me with relationships, so against me. I just really thought this time was finally going to be my moment, my turning point, my revelation, my new life. I really thought I had earned it now. 24 years is a long time, it just seemed it could be right. But I guess not. I'm back to where I am. And I really want to think this means God has an even cooler thing planned out for me, but at this point, I truly believe the only plan God has for me is for me to be alone. I keep using the analogy of how many times can you get kicked down before you stay down? There are only so many ribs you can break before you can no longer get back on your feet. Mine are all broken. And God? I don't know what the hell You want from me.
I had a small breakdown moment to my dad the other night (luckily tears didn't ensue) where I revealed such feelings and concerns, and of course he had nothing to say to help me. I mean, how can anyone have any words of wisdom for something like this? It's all beyond our control and no third party can fix it for you, especially when even you can't. But I stated and threatened quite plainly to him that I've tried to keep myself a good little girl and go to the correct places for friendships, but I am now so desperate for attention, for even fake friendships, for a hug, for a touch, that I will gladly wear the lowest cut top I have and the shortest skirt I own and get myself so hammered that I will get all the attention and touching I need and I won't regret a single damn thing. And you know what? I am not lying. If there was any time for someone like oh, a god to be concerned, it would be now. Lost my way? Well seems *someone* just deserted me there with no rhyme or reason. So of course I've lost my way, I don't know where the hell I was left!
It's frustrating, it is. And I can't say I blame this religion for making my life the way it is, but I think without certain convictions that are so ingrained in me, I would have been easier off in the world. Things could have been different. I wouldn't be so alone. And that's the truth.
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