Things I've Learned

There are a few things I've learned this past weekend about myself and just life in general.

I'm getting closer to understanding the way my mind works the more I journal and discuss with family. There's a part of my brain that doesn't retain emotional connections with people so every time I see them or hang out with them, it's like I'm starting from scratch just meeting them for the first time. No matter how many times I've actually seen them. Makes making friendships a little difficult. And looking back, I pretty much know exactly when it started: the transition from 8th to 9th grade. Interesting, interesting...

I've also learned I may freak myself out too much over social activities such as going to wedding receptions or having bonfires for Halloween. I second guess and question myself in motives and worry that I won't be able to take the social interaction properly. And so far I seem to be surprised when things actually turn out well. But in a way I like to think the worst will happen, then I'll get a good surprise when it doesn't.

I'm realizing that marriage is kind of as simple as "hold my fork." It's a personal symbolism that I don't need to delve into. And I'm beginning to think I could handle marriage if my marriage is as simple as living a bonfire life. More symbolism. I know what I mean.

People don't actually change that much. They grow up and mature, but their core personalities and quirks will always be there. And even if you haven't seen each other for years, if you let your guard down, if you don't think, if you live in the moment, you capture the essence of the past. And that essence is all you need.

And people aren't as put together as you think they are. And no matter how well you think you know a friend, they will surprise you. For you don't know their minds and souls and just because their personalities can be more outgoing, it doesn't mean their living life more amazingly and more excitingly than you are. And there are many different definitions of success. And I'm not nearly as put together as I thought I was.

This was a successful venture then. I'm genuinely surprised but happy about it. Who knew Halloween could do that?

Round Here

Step out the front door like a ghost
Into a fog where no one notices
The contrast of white on white.

And in between the moon and you,
Angels get a better view
Of the crumbling difference between wrong and right.

And I walk in the air between the rain
And through myself and back again
Where? I don't know.

Maria says she's dying.
Through the door I hear her crying.
Why? I don't know.

Round here we always stand up straight.
Round here something radiates.

Maria came from Nashville with a suitcase in her hand.
She said she'd like to meet a boy who looks like Elvis.
And she walks along the edge of where the ocean meets the land
Just like she's walking on a wire in the circus.

She parks her car outside of my house
And takes her clothes off.
Says she's close to understanding Jesus
And she knows she's more than just a little misunderstood
She has trouble acting normal when she's nervous.

Round here we're carving out our names.
Round here we all look the same.
Round here we talk just like lions
But we sacrifice like lambs.
Round here she's slipping through my hands.

Oh sleeping children better run like the wind
Out of the lightning dream.
Mama's little baby better get herself in
Out of the lightning.

She says "It's only in my head."
She says "Shh I know it's only in my head."
But the girl on othe car in the parking lot
Says "Man you should try to take a shot"
Can't you see my walls are crumbling?"
Then she looks up at the building
Says she's thinking of jumping.
She says she's tired of life.
She must be tired of something.

Round here she's always on my mind.
Round here, hey man, we've got lots of time.
Round here we're never sent to bed early
And nobody makes us wait.
Round here we stay up very, very, very, very late.

I can't see nothing,
Nothing round here.
Oh will you catch me if I'm falling?
Will you catch me if I'm falling?
Will you catch me cause I'm falling down on you?

I said I'm under the gun around here.
I'm innocent, I'm under the gun
Around here.
I can't see nothing,
Nothing round here.


All credits go to Counting Crows for their wonderful song and wonderful lyrics. Hadn't listened to this song in months and rediscovered it on my ipod and found it just kind of worked. There was a reason I always liked this song.

Emo Cabin Fever

This is what a friend of mine calls my state of life. She's right.

Had a doctor appointment yesterday with x-rays. The nurse said my x-rays looked perfect and that I'm healing great and that I should be able to start walking in the boot. I was so excited; couldn't wait. Suddenly I could go to "Valleyscare" and have a decent Halloween. It was like my twitter October wish trend had come true. She was convinced I'd be ready. So of course, in comes the doctor, pulls up the x-rays, shows the main concern point and that it's healing perfectly in line. We're all happy and ready to go and then... "You're leg looks perfect. In 3 weeks you can start putting weight on it." Sigh.

Maybe it's my fault I got ahead of myself. Maybe it's the nurse's fault for saying things looked like I could start walking. Whatever it was, it killed me. All my excitement, my plans, my new daily routines, my mobility...Died. It took all my strength to not start crying right there. Instead my ankle needs range of motion, like I failed at trying to work it. Now time for physical therapy (which I had assumed anyway), but *no weight on it at all*. Thanks to my break, I can't walk when a person with a normal break would have been able to. All I could think about was how punished I felt. Punished that it was *my* break that was the problem. It was *my* bone, *my* ankle and range of motion, and because of that my life gets to be shattered again. I didn't drop the tree on myself, but I feel like everything after that was my fault. Like, if I had worked harder to get better range of motion on the ankle before the appointment, would he have said it was ok to walk then? My parents said that wasn't the case, the bone is good but not completely healed, but it still felt like a blow to me mentally.

I remember repeating "I'm not a positive enough person for this" to them. And it's true. I'm not positive enough when I feel attacked. There's those silver linings and 3 weeks is shorter than 4-6, but my brain is so inclined to live in the negative and pessimistic state. I just really had high hopes for Halloween.

So not only did I (and will continue to have) cabin fever, but now I have the *emo* label on top of it. I'm getting way too in tune with how my mind and body work and I realize how horrible it is. I'm disappointed at my negative, but I'm paralyzed to fix it. I don't have the coping strategies. And it seems like everyone around me are so pooping rainbows happy and it just reminds me that I'm wrong. That I don't and can't poop rainbows. And that those people threaten me because they're so much better than me. And I realized today that I'm just not a right person. Like I don't belong in this world because I see things so differently.

And my dad wants me to go to a shrink thanks to my last little outburst. It's an emotional time for me, anything can set me off. He just made it worse by putting me in an environment he knows I don't like. I'm just so tired of being so on edge and that I can burst any moment on anyone. And that my perception of things and conversations are apparently wrong and misled.

And you know, I wrote a huge letter to God the other night. I apologized profusely of how bad a person I am and that I'm not working in His favor even though I'm never out insulting Him or anything. But everyone else is out there sharing and learning and whatnot and I'm not doing anything. I still can't bring myself to go in church. And that has to be bad, right? And I know God made me the way He wants, but I've corrupted His will. I've ruined what He made. And I'm terribly sorry.

I just need to get over this emo cabin fever thing. It is no fun. Maybe in 3 weeks I'll feel better. Rather, I'm sure I'll feel tons better. I'll finally get happy. And that'll be nice. I just want a normal life again.

It's Coming Back

I'm reverting. Mentally, emotionally, I'm going back to where I was before this all happened. I hated it. I hated my feelings. I hated my surroundings. I hated myself and my life. And I was ready to take it out on anyone I could get my hands on. And if they were anonymous people I don't know and give a damn about, all the better.

I really hated that helpless state of anger. How I desired to just cry it all out but couldn't. There was nothing to cry at. Because nothing around me is sad. Lonely, maybe a little. Desolate somewhat. Not sad. It killed me to wake up like that when I was normal and on my own. Killed me that I hated myself so much because of how much hate I feel at the world. I don't know why I'm so mad at the world. I just don't like...People.

They are so terrible. Every human instinct is terrible. As humans we only look out for ourselves and seek the best angles to be selfish assholes. Politics, celebrities, athletes, barflies, it doesn't matter. I see what people do to skew and bias in there favor and it makes me mad. Even churches aren't immune and often times they can be worse.

And that makes me more frustrated. And furious. I try my hardest to look like the good kind of Christian person someone would want to meet. One that isn't pushy, is accepting, loves Jesus Christ and her God and walks by that faith. One that would be happy if someone she knew came to Christ and would celebrate, but one that would never look down on someone if they choose a different path. But my version of being that is to be as quiet and in the shadows as I possibly could. If I never speak, I can't be looked at as bad. Because so often as it seems, everyone who speaks gives themselves some bad quality and I'm too hypersensitive to that and too hypersensitive to feeling like a hypocrite so I stay shut up tight so I can't try to turn the tables around when I'm at fault and beg people to have pity on me. I would never do that. I deserve the same treatment as everyone else. And I'm such a horrible person that I need to be extra careful to not do anything that I would damn myself for.

But what am I saying? I'm the first person to say I deserve every bad thing that ever happened to me. My anger, my hate, makes me prime suspect to be condemned. I can't stand myself because that runs rampant and I have my outburst moments where I'm just so angry at *everyone* I see. Because I can see the faults they have and the things that make them unlikable if only because it is natural human behavior. I just don't like human behavior. I don't like people knocking others down to get ahead, twisting truths to make them look more favorable, pretending to do good only to get selfish recognition, choosing specific biases that make an entire subcategory of people victimized and the other side criminal. And the abusers! The murderers! It overtakes me, consumes me. I want these bad human behaviors and the humans who promote them to go away. But to do that, I would become one. And therefore I have to hate myself too.

It's foolish and I'm foolish. I wonder how much of this just has to do with whatever disorder I possess that I know nothing about past the fact that it's in my brain. It's wrong you know. I'm wrong. Disorder implies wrong. It's so nice there are positive people that clearly have nothing wrong with them. I wouldn't even know how to begin to pretend to be one of them. Not when such strong feelings consume you that it's practically paralyzing. You just want everything right in the world. And you believe if you took certain elements out, which often include people and their behaviors, it would be right. And then people look like they want to turn you in to the cops and lock you up. Maybe I should be. Maybe I should stay in this house, alone, to myself, try to disappear. And how can I even have the nerve to call myself a Christian? Hah, I think I'm the one He should never have died on the cross for. I don't deserve that mercy.