A Family Affair

I'm so glad Pandora is playing all my thumbed up songs in the "Moody" playlist I have saved.  This means I'll definitely know the song is good.

I'm not sure what to think of this past weekend. And I'm not sure why I agree to go to social outings with family where I know no one there. I frustrate myself because I have been so numb these past few days that I don't even feel the anxiety of going somewhere unknown around unknown people until I step out of the car and it hits me like a tidal wave.  I try to hide beside whoever I can that I know, but my parents are revved and off before I can block myself from the rest of the world.

This thing is stupid really. It's so stupid, it makes me mad that I powerlessly submit myself to it every damn day of my life. It's like I'm walking around with blinders and I can't look up to face people. If I look at them, that means they look at me. And I don't want them looking at me. What if they didn't want me to look at them? What if they think I'm trying to glare at them or challenge them? If I don't look, then they don't need to look back and I don't need to wonder why they looked at me and what's wrong with me.

But then the itty bitty rational part of myself barely whispers telling me that then I'll just look like a snobby bitch if I don't make eye contact. And I know enough to smile. Or at least try to smile. But I don't know sometimes if my face is smiling. It's like I don't feel those muscles move, so I'm not honestly sure my face works. And when someone I do know but not particularly well starts talking to me, I try really hard to react and show emotion... But I still can't feel it. And the rest of the time I'm just a frickin mute. And when someone talks to me and asks something about myself, I try to hardly say anything so I don't look like I'm full of myself talking only about how awesome my screenwriting class is or how much I loved going to New York and how I wish I lived there or how Kristin Chenoweth is my broadway diva goddess that I adore or whatever. Internally, I just feel so shelled up and constricted and it's uncomfortable.

Well, it's another situation I get through, like all the rest. It's another situation I would have liked to never have been in, but I got through it nonetheless. I just wonder why I can't walk into a place like that like a *normal* person and even though I don't know anyone, I can function both internally and out and actually make conversations for myself and not feel like if I take a step toward the table that has food, I'm doing something wrong. This is so foolish it's pathetic. I hate myself so much because of it.

There's this bible verse: "Love your neighbor as much as yourself."(James 2:7)  Hah, well, I guess we know why I have no relationships outside of a small familiarity circle. How can I get along with someone if I'm treating them the way I treat myself? What a waste.

I'm just a waste of human.