Sometimes people just really screw with themselves, especially their emotions. I just did a good job of that. For the past 3ish weeks, I've been still living with the ex. However, we had still been acting chummy with each other and in good spirits. It wasn't dating, we knew it wasn't, but we got along really well and energy and vibe was feeling really good. Last Friday I went home for the weekend as I have been doing, and it was on a really positive note. It was a note that made me think if that's how we will be from now on, that is completely livable.
But something changed. I don't know what. I had a rough weekend taking care of my great aunt who is completely immobilized by Parkinson's in a strange, long turn of events and it wiped me out and made me very emotionally fragile. But I kinda had that hope of returning to this environment that had been so nice and made me feel so good about myself. Then he started posting things on facebook about going to clubs watching naked girls get body painted. And we're not together, no, but there was a twang of something in me that just made my heart sink. And from there, I never fully recovered I don't think. Now things felt so done and mean that I didn't know what I was about to walk into and I was scared. On my way in, he informed me he was using our parking space and I was out on the street. And that hit me hard too.
I knew the moment had to come at some point. I had been waiting for the day everything turns on me and that this is not allowed to feel in any way, shape, or form like my place anymore, and I guess this was the start. Now I felt uneasy and off and really nervous and anxious. He noticed some and at that very moment was nice about it. But....Now it's been a few days, and it doesn't feel right here. Even our playfulness isn't...there. I can no longer tell what I can and can't do around him or to him, and that is the exact feeling I had when we were together. Up until this moment I didn't care and owned everything I did and felt really good and empowered with myself. Suddenly this week it's the furthest thing from the truth. He wasn't acting like he had either to top it off. He was getting over being sickish, so I suppose that had contributed to it too. Which also probably contributed to me not knowing my boundaries or what I could do.
Cut to today when he left in the afternoon to hang with his little group and I knew I wouldn't be seeing him for the rest of the day since they then do gaming stuff on Wednesday nights. It was fine, I had activities out to do tonight too, but the few times I texted him with something funny and then to let him know I was parking in the back got me nothing. At least he used to be cordial. No I know he doesn't even care like "a friend", which had been his whole thing from the start. And now this is hard and now I feel crappy again. Things got too elevated, and while I thought I was still completely level headed, I should have known all that would screw with me and bring me back to this level. I had finally gotten over feeling like this and feeling like it was my fault all this happened, and now it's back. All I want to do is be in my own apartment now and live my own life far away from him. He originally acted like staying friends and activity partners was a feasible and tangible option (which had been his idea), but if he can't even regard me as a friend with giving me a follow up text, it's not.
Well, at least I have like, 4 apartments to look at tomorrow. I'm pretty desperate at this point, and if one looks good enough I may just take it on the spot. I'm done. I'm just... done. Oh, and I will have a job again soon since I've been working things out with the film board again. So at least if those officially fall into place, I can finally fully move on with my life. And I need that so badly.
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