I feel so exhausted. I just want one day where I don't have to go some place and talk to people or have people come to my place and talk to me. It's just been go go go since last Wednesday. And I keep getting headaches. And I keep getting those possession dreams again. Three in a week. Not a good sign. And they're not really dreams anymore. Also not a good sign.
I came to the conclusion that it's better a whole lot of people didn't express their condolences or even acknowledgement of this death. Other than maybe three friends I told and who were supportive, the rest have had no bother with it. And I know the information wasn't that hard to find. But I don't tend to share these deep personal moments on like facebook. As I see it, it is my burden to bear and I'll keep it to myself. I'm honestly more likely to share my favorite sex position or vibrator in public than what is going on with my family. I suppose the only exception is this blog, but it has more than one purpose. And I can't be held responsible for you wandering, prying eyes and the judgements you make.
That was half a joke. Ha ha.
Anyway, I think I'm getting better. I've stopped crying every night. I'm still angry and upset and still pondering our existence and worrying about how all my family is getting old and will ultimately leave me. But I suppose that's just an average day for me. Whatever.
I just want to sleep.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Borrowed Angels
First off, I want to say: Kristin Chenoweth, why you make me cry?!
Or it's my fault for listening to her "Borrowed Angels" while working on this photo slideshow. Yea, more likely my fault there. I was actually doing really, really well going through the life and times of my grandma. The cool black and white photos and the clothes and the square dancing that she was into and her gorgeous wedding dress. Then I got taken over with the bitch slapped realization that age really sucks and it's unbelievable what it does to a person and that I never knew that person as my grandma. I knew my grandma, but not all those 50-60 years before I came along. Then I'd get over that and overwhelmed with the fact that this is A LOT of work. All the while jamming to Kristin. Because that's how I roll.
And then I got to the last section. The later years section. The section that I knew her. And then it got really hard. The things I knew she loved, like Winnie the Pooh and Christmas, just got to me. And her smile and when she was really happy and how I knew it deteriorated over the years. And how it breaks my soul thinking about it and about the times I never really knew what to say to her and how I would feel bad I wasn't more compassionate-looking. And that kills me because I wasn't good at those little things like small talk and other little things. I just break. I don't think I even have a soul left now.
Hah, and then my mom walks in and I try to hide the tears by slamming my palms into my eyes. Yep, that was a good idea. Not obvious at all.
Anyway, I know I've said I'm fine and we're all fine and all, but I think that's easy to say when you can avoid what's going on. From how much I've been crying when I'm alone, I can only imagine it to be ten times worse for the daughters involved. My family is very strong though, and we do our heavy mourning by ourselves. I don't think it takes anything away from our bond, especially since we're all aware of it. And then we continue to live on. And I know there's a memory behind their eyes since there's one behind mine, but I know we're moving forward.
Although I can't be too quick to speak as seeing how the wake is tomorrow and then the funeral is Saturday and those will pretty much be the most trying times. A lot to see how long I can go without crying in front of people, and more just to see how we stand up against the mourning pressure. I would prefer to do this alone, be alone in the room and take things in and process them on my own, but I suppose that won't happen with the amount of "I'm sorry for your loss"es I'm about to encounter. It's two days. I should be able to handle that. Right?
Or it's my fault for listening to her "Borrowed Angels" while working on this photo slideshow. Yea, more likely my fault there. I was actually doing really, really well going through the life and times of my grandma. The cool black and white photos and the clothes and the square dancing that she was into and her gorgeous wedding dress. Then I got taken over with the bitch slapped realization that age really sucks and it's unbelievable what it does to a person and that I never knew that person as my grandma. I knew my grandma, but not all those 50-60 years before I came along. Then I'd get over that and overwhelmed with the fact that this is A LOT of work. All the while jamming to Kristin. Because that's how I roll.
And then I got to the last section. The later years section. The section that I knew her. And then it got really hard. The things I knew she loved, like Winnie the Pooh and Christmas, just got to me. And her smile and when she was really happy and how I knew it deteriorated over the years. And how it breaks my soul thinking about it and about the times I never really knew what to say to her and how I would feel bad I wasn't more compassionate-looking. And that kills me because I wasn't good at those little things like small talk and other little things. I just break. I don't think I even have a soul left now.
Hah, and then my mom walks in and I try to hide the tears by slamming my palms into my eyes. Yep, that was a good idea. Not obvious at all.
Anyway, I know I've said I'm fine and we're all fine and all, but I think that's easy to say when you can avoid what's going on. From how much I've been crying when I'm alone, I can only imagine it to be ten times worse for the daughters involved. My family is very strong though, and we do our heavy mourning by ourselves. I don't think it takes anything away from our bond, especially since we're all aware of it. And then we continue to live on. And I know there's a memory behind their eyes since there's one behind mine, but I know we're moving forward.
Although I can't be too quick to speak as seeing how the wake is tomorrow and then the funeral is Saturday and those will pretty much be the most trying times. A lot to see how long I can go without crying in front of people, and more just to see how we stand up against the mourning pressure. I would prefer to do this alone, be alone in the room and take things in and process them on my own, but I suppose that won't happen with the amount of "I'm sorry for your loss"es I'm about to encounter. It's two days. I should be able to handle that. Right?
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Pure Imagination
I'm pretty numb right now. And pretty annoyed about it. My grandma is gone; passed away last night and I'm trying as hard as I can to not acknowledge reality. Unfortunately, I'm too acutely aware of my surroundings and the heaviness I feel in this house and I just don't know what to do with myself. I don't want to cry in front of my mom and aunts because I don't want them to cry. I don't completely know how they're feeling, but I can imagine. This is their mother after all. Old and ill or not, she is their mother. And sometimes I get concerned that I'm not feeling enough. My soul right now is so numb, so cut off. I always shut myself down and now I'm worried I'm not sad enough. But I'm terrible with showing emotion period, so with something like this, I'm just so beside myself.
I'm in charge of the slideshow and have been given pictures to scan, but I'm afraid to look at them. I'm afraid to see this happy healthy face when the last face I saw was barely recognizable. But I know she is in a better place and I bet she is so happy and healthy again and that's really all any of us wanted for her. I talk about death being the perfect solution so often, but now I can't even acknowledge it. I think it's the elephant in the living room. What we're all thinking but don't want to say lest we want to make each other bawl. I know we'll be ok. I know our beliefs will help us. But it doesn't stop the fact that this is a loss. This is a person we loved on this planet who no longer is with us.
I keep listening to the Glee version of "Pure Imagination." It made me cry in the episode, and well, likewise when not watching the episode. But it is a perfect song. And the little dog has suddenly become very attached to me as well. Almost always stays at my side and will only sleep in my room now. For years he always slept in my parents' room. So this is a shock. But a welcome one.
Well. That's all.
I'm in charge of the slideshow and have been given pictures to scan, but I'm afraid to look at them. I'm afraid to see this happy healthy face when the last face I saw was barely recognizable. But I know she is in a better place and I bet she is so happy and healthy again and that's really all any of us wanted for her. I talk about death being the perfect solution so often, but now I can't even acknowledge it. I think it's the elephant in the living room. What we're all thinking but don't want to say lest we want to make each other bawl. I know we'll be ok. I know our beliefs will help us. But it doesn't stop the fact that this is a loss. This is a person we loved on this planet who no longer is with us.
I keep listening to the Glee version of "Pure Imagination." It made me cry in the episode, and well, likewise when not watching the episode. But it is a perfect song. And the little dog has suddenly become very attached to me as well. Almost always stays at my side and will only sleep in my room now. For years he always slept in my parents' room. So this is a shock. But a welcome one.
Well. That's all.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Old Blog
For fun I was looking at my old musings on myspace. Wow, it turns out the issues I'm dealing with right now have seemed to repeat themselves. History does that doesn't it? Anyway, I found a lot of fun and funny and interesting and upsetting posts, but there was one that I felt like reiterating and reliving on here. So here goes. It was called "I Have a Few Concerns" And boy did I ever.
"...Well, I do.
I'm concerned about the shift of sexes. Since when did the men become less masculine than women? I mean, I remember the old days when a woman would go gaga for a guy she hardly knew and come on too strong and irrational and the guy would just be like "see ya!" and never look back. But suddenly guys are in fashion to be doing this and the women are the ones walking away--fast.
Women should not have to be more masculine. That was the man's job. But suddenly he's off whining of emotional distress because he's so in love with a woman that now we are the ones that need to step up and say "dude, grow balls."
Well, obviously this just means women are better. Even men become women. And women become men. But those are the women who are more ballsy than men (that should already be at that level). Tis a sad world for men.
Somewheres in the course of the past 10 years, men have been trying to reinvent themselves to be more attractive for the opposite sex. Personally I believe it is because they have gotten hornier and the lame come ons in bars aren't working as effectively anymore. Now there is an entire subculture of "sensitive, different, understanding, not average, emotional" men. Oh sigh. Suck it up. The only way a man can be emotional is if he's gay. That's when it's allowed.
Far too often, these rouses just give women a false sense of strength and maternity, that they can nurture this sappy bitch. And in turn, the men get exactly what they want--sex. Granted, they'll use all those flowery terms like "intimacy", "love making", "seriousness", when in all reality, the only seriousness they are feeling is the serious need to fuck something that's willing. Play their cards right, and these guys get plenty of willing cherries to pop because these cherries believe how different they are.
Well I say the only way a guy is different is if his motives have nothing to do with getting me in the sack. I just shattered a whole bunch of men's rouses. I don't fall for it. I don't even need to be a psychology major for this shit. In the end, the bottom line falls to sleeping with the person. Maybe you cry at The Notebook. Or are more understanding of our PMS. But that doesn't stop you from going after the one thing that makes all men the same: the physical act of fucking. Oh, and that is the flaw in your anatomy. That penis, that brain in your pants. Takes over every time doesn't it?
I bet you've convinced yourself that your fucking is really a true sign of your undying love for the other person. Well, you need to believe it in order for others to after all. It's funny how the world works now, always jumping to the most sacred (or well was) act of being in love. How on earth can you know this person is anything for you when you don't bother to learn anything else about them? Why do you not bother creating a bond deeper than fucking? You know, there's a lot more to a person than nipples and orgasms and positions. They really have something inside their head and their chest that should be more important. It's called a mind and heart.
Yes, yes, and then you say "but I do care about what's inside them." But do you really know anything about them in the end? So they had a bad relationship once. And they say they are deeper than they look. But do you really know anything real about them? Their true passions, what makes them really happy. What lights up their face? When they say they're "fun," have you bothered to test it? Have you bothered to see the context in which they say they are? Or are you too busy thinking they're a hot piece of ass and if you play your cards right and try to wow them with the depth of your "soul" they'll submit to you?
To me, the only difference between friendship and a significant other is the significant other gets the physical privileges. But friendship is the most important. Friends know everything about each other. They've grown around each other, they've helped each other, they've watched each other, they've lived with each other, they have spent the most time together. And they didn't need to fuck to be great friends. Friendship is higher priority to me easy. Having someone tell you they're a certain way isn't far enough. You need to see how they truly act, react, or interact. How they smile in person or understand in person. How they laugh. Who they talk to. What kind of facial expressions they have.
Does that sound shallow? It's not. Because all of that leads to what they are on the inside. Body language, facial expression, even the way they do their hair or dress. And you can't know that, can't absorb that, unless you are close. And sure, maybe you can do that when dating. But I don't want that added stupid pressure of "is he gonna cop a feel and hit on me now?" in my mind. That is far too serious for the simple situation of getting to know a person.
And maybe that's the problem. This society doesn't care about the simplicity it could be. This society is extreme, irrational, self serving. Since people can sleep together on a first date, everyone must. Everyone must go straight to fooling around, hooking up, friends with benefits, fuck buddies. How can you know a person for real when it's only based on sex? Maybe someone could help me out with this. Though I bet you'd say that then that just comes afterwards; that it doesn't matter what order it goes in anymore. Too bad sex is so animal that the need to really know a person doesn't matter. Or is too hard to comprehend. I mean, after all, that takes thought and work. Who wants to work?
The bottom line is, I'm concerned about guys turning into pussies. Someone must've told them we liked it. And that person lied. There's a reason they are "masculine." They are supposed to complete us. You know, the opposites rule. I'm concerned this society has created nothing original. Nothing extraordinary. Everything is average because one thought is on their mind. I'm concerned people don't understand how to learn about each other properly. That emotion--REAL emotion--is obsolete. I'm concerned everything is lines becuz men know they can get away with it. I'm concerned women will take over the world.
Well, not so much concerned as ecstatically excited for that last one."
If you find spelling errors, ignore. I did improper shorthand back in the day.
This still holds true to what I believe, but now there's a new evolution that has occurred where once you have that friend and fucker status that I talked about with someone, you can't have that friend status with anyone else anymore. John Tesh was talking about this and I just got confused. I want all my friends to be what I described up there and I want my mate to be the last fucker part that my other friends have no business being. But I don't want to degrade my experiences and statuses of these other friends down to meaningless just because I have this ultimate mate now. But you know what? Maybe because men have become so feminine I've just become so masculine that I can't even grasp concepts like "emotional infidelity" and those touchy feely words. Guess I've got a man brain now. It is unfortunate this girly girl has to have it, but SOMEONE in this world does.
"...Well, I do.
I'm concerned about the shift of sexes. Since when did the men become less masculine than women? I mean, I remember the old days when a woman would go gaga for a guy she hardly knew and come on too strong and irrational and the guy would just be like "see ya!" and never look back. But suddenly guys are in fashion to be doing this and the women are the ones walking away--fast.
Women should not have to be more masculine. That was the man's job. But suddenly he's off whining of emotional distress because he's so in love with a woman that now we are the ones that need to step up and say "dude, grow balls."
Well, obviously this just means women are better. Even men become women. And women become men. But those are the women who are more ballsy than men (that should already be at that level). Tis a sad world for men.
Somewheres in the course of the past 10 years, men have been trying to reinvent themselves to be more attractive for the opposite sex. Personally I believe it is because they have gotten hornier and the lame come ons in bars aren't working as effectively anymore. Now there is an entire subculture of "sensitive, different, understanding, not average, emotional" men. Oh sigh. Suck it up. The only way a man can be emotional is if he's gay. That's when it's allowed.
Far too often, these rouses just give women a false sense of strength and maternity, that they can nurture this sappy bitch. And in turn, the men get exactly what they want--sex. Granted, they'll use all those flowery terms like "intimacy", "love making", "seriousness", when in all reality, the only seriousness they are feeling is the serious need to fuck something that's willing. Play their cards right, and these guys get plenty of willing cherries to pop because these cherries believe how different they are.
Well I say the only way a guy is different is if his motives have nothing to do with getting me in the sack. I just shattered a whole bunch of men's rouses. I don't fall for it. I don't even need to be a psychology major for this shit. In the end, the bottom line falls to sleeping with the person. Maybe you cry at The Notebook. Or are more understanding of our PMS. But that doesn't stop you from going after the one thing that makes all men the same: the physical act of fucking. Oh, and that is the flaw in your anatomy. That penis, that brain in your pants. Takes over every time doesn't it?
I bet you've convinced yourself that your fucking is really a true sign of your undying love for the other person. Well, you need to believe it in order for others to after all. It's funny how the world works now, always jumping to the most sacred (or well was) act of being in love. How on earth can you know this person is anything for you when you don't bother to learn anything else about them? Why do you not bother creating a bond deeper than fucking? You know, there's a lot more to a person than nipples and orgasms and positions. They really have something inside their head and their chest that should be more important. It's called a mind and heart.
Yes, yes, and then you say "but I do care about what's inside them." But do you really know anything about them in the end? So they had a bad relationship once. And they say they are deeper than they look. But do you really know anything real about them? Their true passions, what makes them really happy. What lights up their face? When they say they're "fun," have you bothered to test it? Have you bothered to see the context in which they say they are? Or are you too busy thinking they're a hot piece of ass and if you play your cards right and try to wow them with the depth of your "soul" they'll submit to you?
To me, the only difference between friendship and a significant other is the significant other gets the physical privileges. But friendship is the most important. Friends know everything about each other. They've grown around each other, they've helped each other, they've watched each other, they've lived with each other, they have spent the most time together. And they didn't need to fuck to be great friends. Friendship is higher priority to me easy. Having someone tell you they're a certain way isn't far enough. You need to see how they truly act, react, or interact. How they smile in person or understand in person. How they laugh. Who they talk to. What kind of facial expressions they have.
Does that sound shallow? It's not. Because all of that leads to what they are on the inside. Body language, facial expression, even the way they do their hair or dress. And you can't know that, can't absorb that, unless you are close. And sure, maybe you can do that when dating. But I don't want that added stupid pressure of "is he gonna cop a feel and hit on me now?" in my mind. That is far too serious for the simple situation of getting to know a person.
And maybe that's the problem. This society doesn't care about the simplicity it could be. This society is extreme, irrational, self serving. Since people can sleep together on a first date, everyone must. Everyone must go straight to fooling around, hooking up, friends with benefits, fuck buddies. How can you know a person for real when it's only based on sex? Maybe someone could help me out with this. Though I bet you'd say that then that just comes afterwards; that it doesn't matter what order it goes in anymore. Too bad sex is so animal that the need to really know a person doesn't matter. Or is too hard to comprehend. I mean, after all, that takes thought and work. Who wants to work?
The bottom line is, I'm concerned about guys turning into pussies. Someone must've told them we liked it. And that person lied. There's a reason they are "masculine." They are supposed to complete us. You know, the opposites rule. I'm concerned this society has created nothing original. Nothing extraordinary. Everything is average because one thought is on their mind. I'm concerned people don't understand how to learn about each other properly. That emotion--REAL emotion--is obsolete. I'm concerned everything is lines becuz men know they can get away with it. I'm concerned women will take over the world.
Well, not so much concerned as ecstatically excited for that last one."
If you find spelling errors, ignore. I did improper shorthand back in the day.
This still holds true to what I believe, but now there's a new evolution that has occurred where once you have that friend and fucker status that I talked about with someone, you can't have that friend status with anyone else anymore. John Tesh was talking about this and I just got confused. I want all my friends to be what I described up there and I want my mate to be the last fucker part that my other friends have no business being. But I don't want to degrade my experiences and statuses of these other friends down to meaningless just because I have this ultimate mate now. But you know what? Maybe because men have become so feminine I've just become so masculine that I can't even grasp concepts like "emotional infidelity" and those touchy feely words. Guess I've got a man brain now. It is unfortunate this girly girl has to have it, but SOMEONE in this world does.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Day Off
I have a day off tomorrow. I've been working like a dog. Late nights and/or early mornings. I have no muscle mass so it turns out I'm pretty useless at loading in set pieces and sound and lighting equipment onto a stage. I feel considerably pathetic because of that. But I don't get a lot of time to think about myself that much anymore. I suppose that's a good thing.
I find that I *can* communicate and interact with other people, and I am appropriate for the setting. I do take longer, yes, but I'm not socially dysfunctional. Or at least in that part. I still have the anxiety and panic, but when I can be in a slow, controlled environment, I'm ok for the most part. And I'm always looking for new friends. Shocker to admit it, I know.
Oh yes, also on every day off I get, I wake up with a migraine. So I'm not looking forward to tomorrow only for that reason. My body clearly does not know how to handle what it's been taking lately. Ah well.
Hm. Nothing to say? Could that be? Oh no, I'm sure I could think of some things to ramble off and get heated about but I'm just too tired to care.
But yay a day off tomorrow! Sleeping in! Not doing anything! Woo!
The end.
I find that I *can* communicate and interact with other people, and I am appropriate for the setting. I do take longer, yes, but I'm not socially dysfunctional. Or at least in that part. I still have the anxiety and panic, but when I can be in a slow, controlled environment, I'm ok for the most part. And I'm always looking for new friends. Shocker to admit it, I know.
Oh yes, also on every day off I get, I wake up with a migraine. So I'm not looking forward to tomorrow only for that reason. My body clearly does not know how to handle what it's been taking lately. Ah well.
Hm. Nothing to say? Could that be? Oh no, I'm sure I could think of some things to ramble off and get heated about but I'm just too tired to care.
But yay a day off tomorrow! Sleeping in! Not doing anything! Woo!
The end.
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