You Cut Open Your Skin

But then what? What does it accomplish? Why is it so important for you to see that, to look upon the fresh bright blood against pale skin? To have a piece of your body exposed and vulnerable to the impurities of your surroundings? Does it make you real again? Does it make you whole? Does it make you whole to cut a piece of yourself out of your own body?

I ponder this. I don't remember the last time I sliced and diced anything from my body, and while that should be a good thing (and yes, it is), it makes me wonder what that pain felt like. Or rather, what that relief felt like. My body has been so unexposed to physical pain lately, or at least the type I crave. A sore ankle or charlie horse won't do it. Not the right kind of pain. The outer kind. The kind that happens from a hit or a fall or a bump or a push or a slice. Inner pain doesn't work on me because it's not the inner part of me that has the problem. It's my skin.

I don't feel particularly suicidal or down or anything right now. But I have nothing else to do with my night but go to bed, and it made me think I could take a little physical out on myself right now. Nothing else to do. Body seems numb. I don't have any marks or cuts or bruises (set aside from a few love bites that while they look great, don't feel like anything), and I don't remember if I know what those feel like. I don't know if I remember that burn that came with the blade or the throb that came with the bruise. So I thought "well...maybe I could."

But then I got to thinking, as the title suggests, I cut open my skin, but then what? For what? I could give you a hundred different reasons as to why I personally feel at this very moment, and all moments when I do this should do this. And it is a little fascinating. How can something raw and vulnerable create such a sense of calm and make someone feel better when they look at it? I long to see the blood, I won't lie. I long to see a deep cut with that gross mixture of bright red and yellow skin tissue all out there in the open. I terribly long to see something on my arms again. I terribly long to feel that soothing burn.

Would it make everything better? Would it solve the problems with bf? When my physical starts getting affected by my mental, my mental reset can usually be taken care of by the physical. I punch myself a few times, maybe make a few slices, would anything underlying in my brain just go away?

We've gotten better since the Destiny incident. Hell, I've even started playing Destiny (I suck at it, but I play it and sometimes actually enjoy it). He let me make an official PSN account so I can feel a part of something and I've downloaded some pinball games that entertain me and that we play together sometimes. I came out with all the shit I had been feeling and he responded in his own way. To make sure I felt a part of something and a part of him and when I mention things about how I'm wired to desire more physical contact or some other sort of thing, he shifts his behavior and I can pick them up. I notice everything that changes. And he's a wonderful guy because of that. Sure, he's never gonna say I love you...But I digress.

So why do I want to physically reset anything? I know I best connect in serious, emotional, and intimate moments. And we all know he can't and won't. Lately I've tried my hardest I guess to just try to study him, to find a connecting moment that we can share, but it's not there. Not like how I see it in my head. He doesn't respond well to solemn, while others would get goosebumps just thinking about a connection like that with someone they care about. He responds to me being happy go lucky and somewhat ridiculous. If I reset, if I cut or bruise, would the solemn desire go away? Would I go back to happy go lucky? Would whatever is holding me back sometimes from normal activities and actions and conversations I usually have go away again?

I sometimes think it will. I don't know for sure, I guess. Haven't tried it. I mean, yet, lately, whatever. Thing is, I don't see why it wouldn't. But two things could happen. I could reset back perfectly and be awesome for a while, or I could find a false sense of reset only to have something worse manifest when he sees the marks and I spiral instead. Lately I've been acutely aware of that spiral feeling that happened last year that broke us up and I've been trying to do my best to make sure that doesn't happen again. The ironic thing is it started at about this time too. I can't do anything to jeopardize that, not now. We may have had some sort of break through. Some sort of communication. And I can't fuck that up because I go back to my old ways.

That physical pain is so important, as is the visual, it's true. It does calm me, make me feel better. It's a reassurance that I can't get from anything or anyone else. But I know how people would react if they saw it. I've spent this entire time mulling over my head where a good spot on my body would be that wouldn't be seen by my mom tomorrow when we go shopping if I start trying on clothes. Or by bf when I'm prancing around in my cute little t-shirt/panty outfits. The good news is bf is not particularly observant. But my parents are. They've had a lifetime to figure out my shit and are pretty good at it now. Strange when the pros and cons revolve only around who will see the marks on your body, not the actual act of performing them. It's a pretty messed up thing. I'm a pretty messed up person with a pretty messed up body. But here I am. Here I am.

Destiny

So I've had a kinda rough past month. Cool things happened that I think people would be jealous of, and while I don't discount said experiences, I was really miserable and in a lot of pain and had a hard time.

I spent two weeks in the *as far north as you can go* part of Minnesota filming a movie as craft service, which, as I had done briefly in the past, promised to be fairly simple and straight forward with not too much pressure and just me to account for myself and keep myself in check.

Well, it didn't work that way. Turns out craft turned me into a madman, mentally and emotionally not being prepared for the demands and uncertainties that came with trying to provide food for 40 people every day. In an isolated wilderness where I couldn't quick run to starbucks when everyone suddenly needed a quick espresso pick me up at 3 o'clock in the afternoon. There was the miscommunication and big personalities that butted heads and I ended up at their mercy. Then there was the physical aspect of being on my own and trying to haul coolers, tables, cases of drinks, etc, back and forth up rocky hills, through rocky paths, against lake fronts for half a mile. On my own. Craft service was isolating. Everyone had their own little departments that they got to know each other and had common things to talk about during the filming, but I was just there. Just with my food and drinks and car and coolers. It took a huge emotional toll on me. So huge I ended up sick by the 3rd day in. It's been almost exactly a month, and I still have remnants of that sick.

So for two weeks I was isolated and away from anything and everything that ever felt comforting, normal, safe for me. Honestly, I thought it would tear me away from the bf, being there were some charming lovely crew guys there who knew how to talk and had interests like me (often things that lack in this relationship because he just *can't* or maybe at this point *won't* try to do them), but instead it just brought me closer to him. Or at least made me want to be back with him more. As well as my family. Any place safe and comforting. When we got done filming up there, we came back into Minneapolis to film another week and I had 2 days off that I could spend personally any way I wanted. Of course, I just wanted to be with bf, just us, just basking in being together again. But that became short lived and not as important I could tell, to him as it was to me. We were together, but it was the same ol' same ol', play video games, play on your phone, sit beside each other and consider it good. I needed more than that, but there was nothing I could say.

And then there was Valleyfair. For labor day, we have this tradition of going to Valleyfair. There is hardly anyone there since they all go to the state fair and labor day weekend is when they do corn fest so it's all the free corn on the cob you can eat. I was so looking forward to it, as it is our tradition, as well as being our 4 month anniversary of when we got back together. That's also extra special because we went to Valleyfair that day as well. We two work really well when we're out at places, especially places like that because that's where our similarities really lie and everything is just easy. However, I got back from up north and found out someone else was coming with us. Girl that I guess I can say is my friend, but who I still have reservations on, and now have even more since I've been out of the loop for so long. By Monday, I was sick again. Just wiped out and exhausted and physically sick, but dammit I was not going to let him go by himself with her. To a water park. With her in a swim suit. So I went. And it turned out fine. I wasn't as talkative and animated as I would normally be, but it was fine. I rode some rides with him, rode some with her, yea. But it just wasn't enough "us" time since the next day I was back on the shoot.

Halfway through filming, I got news that my great aunt who suffered from Parkinsons wasn't doing well at all and was in a coma, so I had to cut out early (which was a relief as far as the film was concerned) and head home, so again, no time with bf. Her funeral was yesterday. And now I'm back in the city, trying to remember what a normal life was like. I don't even know what I'm going to do tomorrow and that sucks.

I was warned pretty early on, and continually, that bf was getting a PS4 so he could play Destiny, and that that was going to consume his time. Destiny just came out today, and now I feel like I have nowhere to go. He posts about how great it is, how pretty the gaming console is on facebook, and I actually feel replaced. He never posts about me or us, and I guess it upsets me that he can get so excited over an inanimate object but he could care less about a real human. Funny, I suppose, feeling jealous of a game. But the emotion is there, so it's real. He's offered to *let* me "hang out with him" while he's playing it, but that environment just makes me feel bad. It always has when he's gotten wrapped up in a game. I know rationally enough it's not a complete reflection on me, and that he sees it as a totally acceptable way to spend time with me, but the fact is, it is an avoidant technique and he doesn't have to focus emotionally and all his energy on connecting with his girlfriend. I'm coming out of an incredibly isolating, stressful, and emotional month and I need nothing more than some TLC from someone I care about who I thought cared about me, but I know I will not receive that until... Well who knows when? When he gets tired of the game, I suppose. I just can't be with him without some undivided attention. And I won't rain on his parade. This is why I'm not there tonight. It would trigger my body into feeling even more disregarded. Disregard is something I've struggled with my entire life, and one of the worst feelings I can feel. Being in the situation would push me over the edge, even though being separated isn't much better.

It's just funny, I don't know where to go now. I'm alone again, like I was there. I was still surrounded by people (clearly lots too), but every waking moment on that set was another stake in the heart of how alone I was. And now being back here with nothing going on, I don't know what to do with my life. I don't know what to do with myself. And I don't even have the one person that I relied so much on to be there.

I wish I could explain better the strength that emotional connection gives me. Or just how to explain "emotional connection." He doesn't get it and doesn't have it. He has emotions, yes, I suppose, but I still look at him as cold and barren most of the time. He displays affects and emotions, but at the core, he will not connect with them. That is something that is so strongly ingrained in my being, and usually I can accept how he is. But then there are rough times like this where I need what my soul is made out of and craves, and he doesn't give it to me. I've changed and learned and know that I need to say something and explain it out to him, but right now he's in his playtime mode, and I'm not gonna knock that down. So I guess that's what writing is for. I needed to get this out. I think the most important thing I've learned and will ever learn is that we are only here for ourselves. Don't ever rely on someone else for anything, no matter who they are in relation to you. Only care about yourself.

Fucking Destiny.