Oh May, You Need to be Done

Well this has been one hell of a month. One HELL of a month. I cannot emphasize that enough.

Last weekend was Memorial Day weekend and I went on a camping trip with a huge group of people to the Dells. It was nerve wracking at first, I didn't know anyone, was incredibly new, everyone seemed to know each other... But it didn't take too long before I somehow had developed two male suitors for the weekend. Well, let's just say, I'm in a rebounding place because, well, shit, why wouldn't I be?

Well, they were fun. Enough I guess. Never mind the one kisses like a fish. Soo awkward. Taught me a lot that that isn't worth it. I didn't feel any better. Just a little dirty and disgusted. Also taught me I have no business in trying to be in a relationship for like a year or something. I felt nothing. And I tried. I tried the hand holding, conversations, jokes, all that jazz. But they left me feeling numb. I just felt forced and then I felt bad cuz these guys both seemed to take some sort of intense liking into me. In ways that the ex never could express and well, that was hard to avoid. End results weren't worth it though. I got out of hand and let things go too far. I still hate myself for that.

Well, needless to say, ex somehow found out about this (thanks to reading over my shoulder when I was texting someone), and just majorly freaked out. I couldn't understand why what I did with another guy would affect him so when he had broken up with me two months ago. Though I was feeling so bad about doing it and hating on myself because of it and feeling bad that I made him feel bad since that had never been my intention in life to hurt him, that I tried to tell him how sorry I was and that if I knew my actions would bother him, I wouldn't have done it. And that's true. But I thought he didn't care anymore. I thought he was done. Well, he barely let me get two words out before he was gone with that stoic stone cold face and I just knew it was officially over. He didn't want to hug me or touch me anymore, or even look at me. The separation would begin. This was Tuesday.

Well, I wake up Wednesday morning to a whole bunch of facebook notifications on my phone and discover he had been "cleaning" up his photos on his phone and facebook and had posted and tagged me in a bunch. Cue incredibly confused Elle here. To top it off, one of the pictures of me got all these comments, some from his dad, and that made me even more sad. I really miss his family. I liked them so much and I know they liked me. They were the first ones to learn about a really good potential film job interview even before my own parents. His dad was proud of me for it. His dad was proud of me because I could out drink him and a whole bunch of army guys when it came to scotch. He said so and actually bragged about it to his friends. So hard losing that.

Anyway that was a slight sidetrack. I cried, called my parents, dad assured me it was passive aggressive whether he knew it or not and assured me that it was all because now ex was getting these feelings that he didn't realize and up until now had not been challenged in any way. Deep down he knew what he was losing. And how close it was to lost. So this "phone clean up" spree was that. I continued on with life, but before I knew it, started getting text messages from the guy. Strangely enough, we had a lovely little text chat about our feelings and the relationship, and this is the first time I can remember him ever saying anything like this. He's just so bad at communicating emotions, SO bad. But having that was huge. He told me all our physical contact was still emotional and that he didn't know what else to do but try to separate all that and turn me into a "friend in his head." I thought he had done that back in March, and told him so. I honestly thought any emotion he had toward me was done, and now he let me know that was never the case? He thought I was trying to change him and was drained from it and that's why he said he was done? I was never trying to change him. Help maybe. I didn't expect things to change just like that, not after all that damage. And I told him it was not my intention and that I was sorry he saw it that way. I had reformed and I guess I wanted to show him what I learned. When he said he was "done trying," I assumed it was the relationship period. All I had ever needed to know was that he still wanted to be a part of this relationship together and I would have stayed. Course, I never got an official answer from that.

Didn't stop him though. Suddenly he became pursuant again and last night invited me over to watch movies and enjoy the internet since I still don't have any in my apartment. Well, he had acted so concerned that he couldn't look at me or touch me again for fear of getting mental images of me fucking another guy that I couldn't figure out how this was going to work. I expected no contact from him until he got over it like he said he had to. But then last night? Well, he seemed VERY over it.

It was like a movie moment, as fucking cliche as that sounds. I had walked over and it is so hot now outside so I was sweltering (also fighting a nasty sunburn from the weekend), so I kept trying to put my hair up or stand in front of the air conditioner. He would laugh and comment that I look good with my hair down and then try to take it down. He let me wear some of his shorts. And after I kept complaining and trying to put my hair up in one of those preppy annoying girl high buns, he finally dragged me to the kitchen where he grabbed a freeze pop and held it against me. Suddenly everything went movie- The standing close, hands on each others waists, the remarks that became soft comments as faces and lips got closer, the studying each other. Then the kissing and the gentle hands tracing the face, neck and shoulder. I fall to it every time, I just instantly start shaking. He noticed and asked if I was cold now and all I could say was "You've always made me weak in the knees." My lips would trace his jaw and neck and it was like exploring each other for the first time.

Anyways, not about to write 50 Shades of Grey here (although mine would probably be better), and needless to say, I ended up there for the night. We acted as if we were together again (which mind you I know is not true and is a dangerous place to be mentally), and it was refreshing. Nah, I secretly hoped this could be that moment, but alas, movie moments don't actually happen in real life. Well, parts of them do as mentioned above, but they don't work like they do in the movies. When he left for work today, he actually came back and gave me a hug in bed and then curled into it and laid with me. He's never done that. Not for like, ever. A year. No joke, at least a year. I could watch him and tell there was something going on in that head. He would look at the clock and then just curl right back to me. How did I get important enough that he'd waste a little extra time for me? And somewhere in the course of all that, he asked if I wanted to go to Valleyfair on Sunday. I didn't give him a definitive answer cuz I have plans with the internet wife this weekend, but again today he texted me to find out the answer.

Well, needless to say, I cannot say no to theme parks. This could get out of hand and I don't want this to. We both have passes, so it's no skin off our backs really to go on Sunday. But now it's up to me to put in some lines and boundaries. If this boy is thinking something, thinking ANYTHING, I need to know. Or else I need to officially move on and away. I understand the separation thing now. And we can't fall into "couple activity" when we are not a couple. It does not separate us and we need to reassess this. But I need to know why he gave up and broke my heart and I need to know if he even understands how to fully commit to a person like I committed to him and if he even can. Because while I was getting all these emotional vibes from him last night, unless he can concretely tell me how he feels and what he wants, I can never be back in a relationship with him. And I don't even know if that was ever an option to begin with, but neither of us did a good job acting apart, as I've said before. But maybe a setting like Valleyfair is a good place for this. Not to get EVERYTHING I just wrote out, but bits, just things to mull on here and there, nothing to drag the mood down, but maybe an actual conversation of substance here and there. Or at least I'll try. I need to know one way or another, and that in itself will take time. But it's up to me to put it into motion.

May has been too much of a month though, all over the place. It just needs to be done.

Moved Out

And it's done. I've officially moved out. This all feels incredibly mixed, I'll admit, and I suppose rightfully so.

I'm excited and thrilled for my apartment. It's super urban and hipsterish, especially for Minneapolis. Sure, it's a garden level, but it has a great layout and TONS of space and again has that urbanness to it. I'm happy to make it all my own again and put everything where I want it in whatever way I want it and in whatever time frame I choose.

But you know, I just walked away from something that was my life for a year and a half. And a living situation that was mine for 6 months. This is called change, and unfortunately, I've never been able to handle it very well.

Moving day on Saturday was absolutely miserable. Well, at the start of the day anyway. It was slowly setting in on me that this was inevitably the end of everything as I knew it. Lots of crying. Tons of tears. I looked like hell. And then I sucked it up and continued loading and unloading things with the help of my parents and well, ex. I still spent the night at his place because I guess I just couldn't let go. I had gotten accustomed to whatever our situation had become and was actually enjoying it.

But then Sunday rolled around and I realized all I wanted to do was get my remaining stuff out of here. Unfortunately Saturday had only been the big stuff and furniture, so EVERYTHING ELSE was still in his apartment. I guess I suddenly felt hurried and rushed and probably a little anxious or agitated. I had asked him if he would help me put my bed together, which he seemed to agree to, but as I was getting up to take a shower, I noticed his old gaming buddy girls texting him and I guess that could only mean one thing. After the shower I suggested a Target run since I needed a few things and he informed me he was going to do board games instead. So, never mind the bed thing or help, eh? While he assured me he'd do it later, I just didn't have that time. And I was gone.

Needless to say, I got a friend to help and we took care of all the shit. We ran back into him on our last run of picking stuff up and I just didn't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to do anymore I suppose. I guess he did get home at a decent hour compared to what I'm used to him doing, but he was all depressed and lethargic and I no longer know how to deal with that. I'm not your girlfriend, so I can't make you feel better and hold you or do anything. But it's shitty as a human being to just be like "tough, fuck you, enjoy your jobless depression state that I had that you seemed to not care about!" So there was still a lot of hugging. Always hugging.

Monday and Tuesday I still ended up seeing him and am still torn in ways. I've been picking stuff up that seems to just accumulate more and more and he's come and helped me move things into my new place and we even grabbed something to eat after and it's just... I don't know. He keeps hugging me hello and goodbye. And why do I have a feeling he will always do that? I know it doesn't mean he's in love with me or wants to get back together at all or anything and I know better than to think that should make me fall for him. It doesn't. But I'm in a limbo again is all. I just have to push past this feeling part because I'm tired and worn out and still grieving. I didn't do myself the best service by staying there for so long and getting accustomed to how we were acting and being even when we knew we were broken up.

But I don't have internet. So today I went back to his place to borrow it for a bit (as I am right now). I know his Wednesday nite routine so I know he won't be here which is really great in the end. I need to stop seeing him every day, especially when I'm supposed to have my own self-sustained life away from him. And he's already done a damn good job of that from me. The apartment is completely different. He's got decorations all over the place, he's been cleaning and organizing, and well, it's just totally different from when we were together. He also threw out a note I gave him a while ago that he had held onto since February on his desk. For some reason, as long as that was there, I always felt like there was a... hope. It was for a blog that deals with adult attachment styles that I had learned about and had helped me out a lot when everything first went sour in February and I thought maybe it could give him a perspective that maybe he hadn't thought of as far as himself and how he feels or doesn't in relationships. Gone now. In the trash.

You know, this was kind of the last straw thing that I think I needed. It's very painful here now, seeing how he's moved on and bettered without me and thrown my things away, but I guess I needed to actually SEE it for myself. I needed to know there's no lingering me here. I needed to know I was never that important. Now maybe anything that was holding me back from fully moving on will be gone. Now I can be done too. Here's my motivation to making my life 100 fucking times better than his. That my apartment will look 20,000 times better than his. That I will be better because I am. I didn't quit. I wouldn't have quit ever. I reformed and came back with the intention of reforming him and making everything proper and right again. And he didn't even want to try for a second. And I guess in the end that means he could not have cared that much. So I'll keep that in mind. Keep in mind I wasn't worth it, as that'll make it easier to forget him.

And now it is getting dark and I walked over here so I better get going. Goodbye apartment. I really started liking you. You made me happy. You were a part of me. I hope you hate him secretly that he made me leave. I do.

It's Crappy Again

Sometimes people just really screw with themselves, especially their emotions. I just did a good job of that. For the past 3ish weeks, I've been still living with the ex. However, we had still been acting chummy with each other and in good spirits. It wasn't dating, we knew it wasn't, but we got along really well and energy and vibe was feeling really good. Last Friday I went home for the weekend as I have been doing, and it was on a really positive note. It was a note that made me think if that's how we will be from now on, that is completely livable.

But something changed. I don't know what. I had a rough weekend taking care of my great aunt who is completely immobilized by Parkinson's in a strange, long turn of events and it wiped me out and made me very emotionally fragile. But I kinda had that hope of returning to this environment that had been so nice and made me feel so good about myself. Then he started posting things on facebook about going to clubs watching naked girls get body painted. And we're not together, no, but there was a twang of something in me that just made my heart sink. And from there, I never fully recovered I don't think. Now things felt so done and mean that I didn't know what I was about to walk into and I was scared. On my way in, he informed me he was using our parking space and I was out on the street. And that hit me hard too.

I knew the moment had to come at some point. I had been waiting for the day everything turns on me and that this is not allowed to feel in any way, shape, or form like my place anymore, and I guess this was the start. Now I felt uneasy and off and really nervous and anxious. He noticed some and at that very moment was nice about it. But....Now it's been a few days, and it doesn't feel right here. Even our playfulness isn't...there. I can no longer tell what I can and can't do around him or to him, and that is the exact feeling I had when we were together. Up until this moment I didn't care and owned everything I did and felt really good and empowered with myself. Suddenly this week it's the furthest thing from the truth. He wasn't acting like he had either to top it off. He was getting over being sickish, so I suppose that had contributed to it too. Which also probably contributed to me not knowing my boundaries or what I could do.

Cut to today when he left in the afternoon to hang with his little group and I knew I wouldn't be seeing him for the rest of the day since they then do gaming stuff on Wednesday nights. It was fine, I had activities out to do tonight too, but the few times I texted him with something funny and then to let him know I was parking in the back got me nothing. At least he used to be cordial. No I know he doesn't even care like "a friend", which had been his whole thing from the start. And now this is hard and now I feel crappy again. Things got too elevated, and while I thought I was still completely level headed, I should have known all that would screw with me and bring me back to this level. I had finally gotten over feeling like this and feeling like it was my fault all this happened, and now it's back. All I want to do is be in my own apartment now and live my own life far away from him. He originally acted like staying friends and activity partners was a feasible and tangible option (which had been his idea), but if he can't even regard me as a friend with giving me a follow up text, it's not.

Well, at least I have like, 4 apartments to look at tomorrow. I'm pretty desperate at this point, and if one looks good enough I may just take it on the spot. I'm done. I'm just... done. Oh, and I will have a job again soon since I've been working things out with the film board again. So at least if those officially fall into place, I can finally fully move on with my life. And I need that so badly.