Late Night Blogging

So I would really love to be asleep right now, but it's just typical of me to postpone it even when I have to get up at 6am. And then I just get mad at myself for getting only 4 hours of sleep and then driving for 2 hours and well yea. Oh well. Late night blogging is the best.

Feel like I can't even write an update because too many stuff has probably happened (even though I feel like nothing has really changed when I know things have). School got better; haven't really had any attacks since the last one I spoke of and I've enjoyed hanging out with the guys and talking movies and school with them. There's a few new people added into my life and I'm not quite sure what to do about this blog. I mean, I don't advertise but it's not the hardest thing to find. So now do I censor my crazy or just go wtf do I care? I care a little to say the least, but I mean... I feel pretty normal right now.

Well normal enough considering I do feel fairly numb. I mean, I'm not outrageously depressed or angsty or anything, but I'm not outrageously happy either. I'm just very tired. I have one week of class left and a whole bunch of video projects crashing down on me so I mean... Better I feel numb than overtly stressed or something (which I'm sure I am no doubt).

But I suppose I haven't changed. I'm learning to censor my crazy (even my crazy faith side that I hoped people in churches would understand) because it has come to the point at which I KNOW people just don't like crazy people. Mental sicknesses of any sort (depression, anorexia, asperger's, etc) are just too taboo and weird and people just don't want to know or have anything to do with it. And I suppose I can handle that, but I sometimes wonder if I have to hide it all my life am I just living a lie in the end?

Like if I actually found someone I wanted to pursue a serious relationship with would I always have to be on my best behavior? Would I have to pretend that I'm not a black and white vigilant person who only gets a temper when injustice is happening in the world? Would I have to pretend that I don't feel any panic attacks or hyperventilate when I'm in a new social situation that is absolutely terrifying? So I'd have to pretend to, well, be Kristin Chenoweth. So I'd Chenofy myself until I became someone fake and made sure not to talk about any of my inner turmoil and the fact that sometimes I may not see things correctly. Instead I see things in rainbows and unicorns and Candy Mountain and opera and Oz. And what would happen if I reverted back to a darker mindset? The times when I wasn't actually sure I could feel things physically so I'd hurt myself to see if it was possible? Then it was like I was a complete fraud. But I can't very well ever tell someone I want to love me that I can handle cuts and bruises and wounds and I completely disregard anything that could happen to me. It just won't work. But it's not like it would ever happen really.

Ok, if I go to bed now I can get 6 hours of sleep. Good enough odds for me.