Mad World

"And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad.
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had."

Anyways.

After a year of doing nothing (which is actually pretty amazing to think about and not in the good way) I'm back in school once again in a program I'm still not even sure I want to be in. I keep getting told since I'm only 5 classes away from graduating I should just suck it up and stick it out and at least it'll be another thing to put on a resume along with some new skills I can use for other types of jobs. Also, in all three of my classes, I'm the only girl. In the words of Kristin Chenoweth: "It doesn't suck!"

And no, it usually doesn't. I've always liked running with the boys even if I'm a little awkward around them at first and seem to have the track record of becoming friends with them for a while and then they just cut off all contact with me (there are things I'd like to say to that that involve words with the letters f and u, but I'll actually try to keep my blog clean for once). And it's not so bad as long as I don't psych myself out and trap myself in the "useless girly girl" mentality. Which has only happened once so far. Ok, on the second day of class. Whatevs.

The place doesn't make me feel though. I don't feel much it seems. However, at work this weekend I felt a lot. The theatre is where I want to be and the environment I crave and I keep asking myself why I'm in a film program. I've always said they're similar, and they are, but that still means they're too different. All this time and money I've invested in schools and degrees that I guess got the job done (the job being that piece of paper and something to study), I never once gone after what makes me feel passion. There's just something different about the theatre community versus the film community. They're closer, stronger, selective. Any random Joe Nobody can grab a camera and film something and post it on youtube and call it art. There's just something more special about theatre that I desperately want to be included in.

The unfortunate thing is, even with all the times I've been in shows and worked shows, I've never been able to infiltrate and feel comfortable and feel like I belong. I was younger when I did the shows and I had no concept of what is wrong with me, but I know now and it still takes over. It's so crippling and it makes me sick and I've actually gotten BETTER at it. How pathetic is that? It's really pathetic. This is something I don't think I have the authority to tell myself what to do since, well, I'm screwed up. You would just think in the two months of a rehearsal span that you'd get to know everyone and be yourself and loosen up and be real. Nope, not for this girl. Dammit.

(That's a mild curse word; we'll let it slide.)

It turns out when I'm in public environments like school or work, I'm actually hurting more than when I can be alone for a day and sit in the sun or relax and read a book or watch a few movies. It's a hard concept to grasp, the idea that every breath you take actually hurts and I don't expect many, if any people to get it. I expect a lot of people trying to call me out and tell me I'm some stupid drama queen exaggerating just trying to get attention, but I don't know anyone who would want to make themselves look this weak and disgusting just for a bit of attention. There's something about being around public environments that fill me with the gloom of knowing I can't obtain what's around me. I can't obtain connections with people because my anxiety blocks me from talking to them, and if I try, my mind goes blank and I can't say anything anyway. My body locks up even and I can't move. And that's when I start feeling worthless and useless and run to the bathroom and start punching walls just so I don't cry. If this happens just in a class atmosphere, how did I ever think I could have an intimate relationship with another human being? What made me think I got the privilege to share any part of my life with an "other half?"

It's ok though, I'm used to these feelings. I'm used to the bruised and broken knuckles. I'm used to the scrapes and scratches and cuts. I like them. They're home. This is just high school all over again except I'm even more on my own than I was then. I don't have my two other best friends to get me through anything, I'm on my own. I'm on my own everywhere. And I can't imagine it any other way.

By the way, the above lyric is to "Mad World" by REM.