Birthdays

So tomorrow is my birthday. Ok, well, technically I guess it's today since it's 2 AM. But I really won't count it until I have gone to sleep and woken up again. It's a really screwed up birthday (as every birthday/holiday in the past 3 years have been) because I've been schlepping all my stuff from my apartment back home because yay, I no longer have an apartment in a city! I get to live back in the middle of nowhere as a townie. So not ok. But it's the fucking tree's fault. Had it not tried to kill me and broken my leg, I would have been working the past 5 months so I could afford to stay in the cities. Is that an excuse? It sounds like one. But it's also a true statement. But it's still frustrating.

Well anyways, I really have this hankering to go out for my birthday. Dress up all flashy and glittery like a city girl and go with a group of friends and have the time of my life. I've never been the kind to go out to bars to celebrate anything, you must realize. I'm really not into the drunken whore lifestyle that is pretty much a bargoer. I just want to go out so I can pretend to be someone else. The only other time I pulled it off so flawlessly, it was just so much fun. I'm just dying to go out there and make up a backstory for myself, give myself a new personality, and just go have fun. I don't give a damn about the people I lie to. I'll never see them again. If they're hanging out at bars they're probably scum anyways so they deserve being lied to.

And this is what I discovered: I love lying. I'm sure hoping it won't become one of those compulsive things like on Girl, Interrupted because well then I have to go to a nut house. And I don't just tell lies to lie. I just like lying about myself. I like pretending to be someone else. I hate who I am and every personality I come up with in my head is just so much better than reality. And I figure, now that I'm back to this pathetic place, I *should* go out more and pretend I'm a real city girl. That I'm classier than this country scum and I'm only here because I'm on "hiatus" from the cities. I could even say I grew up there and everything. No one needs to know the truth. I don't care about them enough to get past that initial first impression talk. I just want to be someone else. And I want to go back to the cities. Right before I left, a screenwriting classmate told me he would have never known I was from the country and that I looked like a city girl all along. I want to try that out.

Oh, I don't know if I hate the country. I hate hicks and rednecks, but who doesn't? I think there's more to life than blue collar comedy and the Red and Green Show anyways. It's true, us country girls are tough. We like to get dirty, not afraid of bugs and snakes, don't care about breaking nails, will climb onto the bed of any pickup truck when packing it up, and those are some great qualities that any female should have if she wants to be taken seriously. But I don't fit in in the country. The small town life I've never worked well with. I just have different interests than what is here and therefore I tend to have a solitary lifestyle when I live here. A lot of the time I've learned that if it wasn't for internet forums about certain non mainstream interests, I wouldn't have many people to talk to. Can I help it if the people who share some of them happen to live in Germany or the Philippines? That's just the way my life has always been. I'm unique. I don't fit here. So I think I'd just rather lie about who I am until I leave. For other people, and myself.

3rd Monday After New Years

So briefly on the news they mentioned something that today is supposed to be the saddest day of the year. So I quick googled it and apparently the third Monday after New Years IS supposed to be the saddest day of the year. I'm not in the mood to continue reading, but that was that. Huh, maybe that means I do feel depressed today if I'm not in the mood...Lol

Um, I never updated about New Year's Eve. It was good. Ok, driving on black ice for 30ish minutes at 30 mph not so good and then coming upon what apparently turned out to be a huge 7 car pile up on the bridge above (which was actually cool at the time). So by that time, I just wanted to get to my friends' so we could play games and have Captain and cokes and other random drinks. And we did. And it was fun. I was lucid but still blissfully ignorant and dang, I miss that feeling when I'm.... Normal.

Dangerous? Most likely. I don't know what's happened to me that I can't be *happy* when I'm "normal." I think I get too aware of my surroundings and then I don't want to talk in case I say something stupid and I get acutely aware that I don't know the people I'm around very well so I don't want to talk since I wouldn't know what to say. And when I don't know what to do, I shut down and look like a wall and no one sees what I'm really like. I don't actually change if I'm drinking an adult beverage, I just finally have a chance to show myself. And I don't quite get why all my friends' bodies are beginning to get intolerant of alcohol and mine is having no problem whatsoever. It's like backwards for me.

I recently came to the conclusion that humans have an innate desire to be accepted in a community. It doesn't have to be like an actual town kind of community, but just a place to share something in common and feel understood. Sometimes you think the person's community of choice is downright stupid or foolish, but you can't talk and you can't judge because you feel the same desire for connection. You may not be interested in what they've chosen, but you have no place to talk, because you need that connection just as much as them. I'm guilty of making fun of what people chose to be a part of and I feel sorry about it because I'm feeling the sting of judgment myself. It's terrible. I never actually said anything to this person, but it doesn't change the fact that I've thought it and made fun of it and talked about it with other people. I'm very sorry. It's not my cup of tea, but it's ok. I understand where you are coming from and what you need. I need it too. I want to think I found it, but I get a lot of conflicting messages about it. More fighting I guess. We never get to stop.

21 Guns

Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away?
And you feel yourself suffocating.

Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins.

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight.
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms
Into the sky.
You and I.

When you're at the end of the road,
And you've lost all sense of control.
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

Your faith walks on broken glass.
And the hangover doesn't pass.
Nothing's ever built to last.
You're in ruins.

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight.
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms
Into the sky.
You and I.

Did you try to live on your own
When you burnt down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire
Like a liar looking for forgiveness
From a stone?

When it's time to live and let die,
And you can't get another try.
Something inside this heart has died.
You're in ruins.

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight.
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms
Into the sky.

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms
Into the sky
You and I.

Credit goes to Greenday and the Original Broadway Cast Recording of American Idiot.

Feels Like....

I'll post a better update later. But tonight, I just wanted to say this one short thing:

I feel like Linda Salerno.
And my birthday is coming up.
And I happen to know exactly where that bridge is that she was on.