Well I was a bit triggered tonight by something stupid bf posted on facebook and I just don't know what to do with the whole situation and I just want to call the entire relationship quits. Can I do that? Over something he doesn't even know was a problem? I can't imagine he cares about me at all right now so I mean big deal, yea?
Anyway, I'd like to go back to one of the big roots of this blog that up until a year and a half/two years ago was a HUGE topic on this blog: My faith. I still have an incredibly huge faith in God and am still, for all intensive purposes, identified as close to Christian I guess as one could get. I still absolutely hate churches and the people in them. And have still continued to have absolutely no success with becoming friends with anyone who is supposed to believe what I believe. Heck, in fact I went to church today with my parents since I was visiting them and walked in as a very unpleasant antagonistic human being. But you know what? That doesn't stop a single part of me from believing and having a relationship and faith in this God.
I don't talk much about it, probably because I don't have anyone to talk to about it. All my friends are some form of agnostic/atheist/other, and my little dream of having a boyfriend who had a similar faith so I could actually open up to about my beliefs crashed and burned. He's the worst offender, in fact. My other friends know where I stand and are incredibly respectful. In fact, I've been able to have conversations with them that didn't boil down to "why do you believe that well why do you believe that you're stupid here's why." But it's not something to be relied on, so I shut up. I even shut up on here. I guess I forgot in a way. I've been so consumed by this relationship. I've never forgotten about God, and one of the things that keeps me going is knowing in the back of my heart that he's working somehow in my life. That's where my faith is, and that faith is strong. So no, I didn't verbalize it. And I'm incredibly protective, so really I look at it like he's MY God and I'm not sharing him with you, especially since you don't care anyway view.
But bf has said things about my faith that has rubbed me the wrong way, made me feel bad (possibly indirectly), made me question the relationship really from the start. I never said anything because I was afraid I'd be rejected and the relationship WOULD end. And one of the last things that crazy ex roommate of mine said when me and David met was "If he's not Christian, don't do it. It won't work out." And well, I was bound and determined (and still am) to prove her wrong. But now, for some odd reason, his latest posts on facebook about a documentary on why religious people are wrong and stupid and the video he posted of some musical comedian making fun of someone just.... Really gets to me.
No, I don't like a lot of Christians. I am not going to lie. But I like my God and Jesus because I still believe they are love and acceptance and everything I want to be. I don't believe hardly any Christians are like that anymore because they are fucking HUMANS and let humanity take control, but again, it is still my faith, still my religion, and I am still protective of it. So when someone, especially someone I care about that I thought cares about me, starts making insulting off hand comments and not so subtle jabs, it affects me. It DOES insult me. Not gonna lie, I insult churches a lot. But I've had the experience and am technically one of them which gives me a better insight and right to do so. And I know exactly who I'm insulting. He doesn't. He just throws it all out there in one generalized big group which happens to include me. I've let it go for so long and it's probably just made me weak and constantly compromising. I've let so much go for so long. He hurts me so much sometimes. And unfortunately for me, I can't forget them. And then they start building on each other and become almost unbearable. They practically paralyze.
And now, usually, since we've had talks about opening up and discussing things, especially when I get triggered by something, I'd just say "Well when I get back to the cities I'll let him know," but I don't even know if I get that luxury right now because of his "emotional stress from work." I don't want to over pressure him, as I've said, and I'm not sure a conversation about how you insulted something that is fundamentally ingrained in me would not have some pretty good pressure attached to it. Damn, why is this relationship rough again? And why is it only rough on my end? Why does he get to be so fucking blissfully oblivious to this turmoil? This is really not fair. I just.... There is really nothing I can say.
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Understanding
I'm frustrated. A little worried, and that's what frustrates me. I can't stop that this is the way I react to things and think about past events and future happenings and that's who I am as a person. But it frustrates me to know the person I care about is not this same way and cannot fully understand it nor work with me through the process. And so it frustrates me that I don't feel like I can talk and explain it when it starts happening. And I know he's asked in the past just to try to understand what I'm going through, but I assume listening and trying to take any of it in and to heart wears on his emotional capacity, so I try to do it sparingly and when I know he's in a healthy enough place to hear it.
Well, he has 3 jobs now. All kind of part of the same company, but he's doing 3 different people's jobs, and it's a lot for him. In fact, he's warned me that until it settles and gets sorted in April, he's going to be tired and won't be able to really be emotionally available for me at all. It's been a week, and I think I did really well understanding when I was with him. I'm trying to keep life easy and be chill and be more decisive and make or contribute to dinner and not be physically pushy and be too much *there.* But it's only been a week. And I had been feeling close to him recently because we were having meaningful conversations and were connecting and he was reciprocating. But now all I'm feeling is disconnection.
He can't give me what I need. I guess I require a lot of emotional care or something. Not really, it's just how I connect, and it's the opposite of anything he can do. So I know he has to work at it. But he has to use it to fuel himself through this work crap. But now because of this "emotional" thing, I don't feel like I can talk to him about anything. I'm afraid anything I talk about that is serious and meaningful and directly affecting the relationship he won't be able to contribute to and will shut down or just break up with me altogether. That's what happened the first time; his emotional capacity was so drained that he just quit and we were done. And I'm scared. I'm worried I can't get through the next 5 months without fucking myself over somehow. Like I've said, I'm working on just emotionally disconnecting so it's easier to be around him.
I'm just not sure I'll be able to come back from it.
How do I bring up this concern? How do I bring up my concern that I'm not sure we have the same stance as far as children in the future go? How do I bring up that is stupid comment about "can I break up with you so I can have a cat" hurt me and scares me? How do I bring up that I'd like to know if marriage is a thought that has even crossed his mind or something he's interested in (just in a whole)? This is very serious stuff, and it requires serious emotional intimacy power that I don't know if he has.
And the frustrating thing is he always tells me to look on the bright side of things and to not remember bad times (such as the things I try to prevent) but good times that we've had, and if he knew this was all I was thinking about, would it annoy him? Would it just shut him down period? It's so frustrating, I don't know what to do. I would do anything to keep this relationship going and will work for it, which is why I'm trying to be as understanding as possible, but sometimes I question if he's in the same place. I have to assume I suppose, but when he never actually says that straight out, it can be hard to tell. And now this new development... It's not an excuse or scapegoat really, but it's convenient for him to not have to work. I know one of the things that he said upsets him is how I talk about being scared of things and he thinks it's him. It's not exactly, but I can't say I'm not scared right now. I can't say I can't think of about 100 things that have to do with us that doesn't scare me in some way. And that is unfortunate more than anything else. It's sucky. And I just don't know what to do.
Well, he has 3 jobs now. All kind of part of the same company, but he's doing 3 different people's jobs, and it's a lot for him. In fact, he's warned me that until it settles and gets sorted in April, he's going to be tired and won't be able to really be emotionally available for me at all. It's been a week, and I think I did really well understanding when I was with him. I'm trying to keep life easy and be chill and be more decisive and make or contribute to dinner and not be physically pushy and be too much *there.* But it's only been a week. And I had been feeling close to him recently because we were having meaningful conversations and were connecting and he was reciprocating. But now all I'm feeling is disconnection.
He can't give me what I need. I guess I require a lot of emotional care or something. Not really, it's just how I connect, and it's the opposite of anything he can do. So I know he has to work at it. But he has to use it to fuel himself through this work crap. But now because of this "emotional" thing, I don't feel like I can talk to him about anything. I'm afraid anything I talk about that is serious and meaningful and directly affecting the relationship he won't be able to contribute to and will shut down or just break up with me altogether. That's what happened the first time; his emotional capacity was so drained that he just quit and we were done. And I'm scared. I'm worried I can't get through the next 5 months without fucking myself over somehow. Like I've said, I'm working on just emotionally disconnecting so it's easier to be around him.
I'm just not sure I'll be able to come back from it.
How do I bring up this concern? How do I bring up my concern that I'm not sure we have the same stance as far as children in the future go? How do I bring up that is stupid comment about "can I break up with you so I can have a cat" hurt me and scares me? How do I bring up that I'd like to know if marriage is a thought that has even crossed his mind or something he's interested in (just in a whole)? This is very serious stuff, and it requires serious emotional intimacy power that I don't know if he has.
And the frustrating thing is he always tells me to look on the bright side of things and to not remember bad times (such as the things I try to prevent) but good times that we've had, and if he knew this was all I was thinking about, would it annoy him? Would it just shut him down period? It's so frustrating, I don't know what to do. I would do anything to keep this relationship going and will work for it, which is why I'm trying to be as understanding as possible, but sometimes I question if he's in the same place. I have to assume I suppose, but when he never actually says that straight out, it can be hard to tell. And now this new development... It's not an excuse or scapegoat really, but it's convenient for him to not have to work. I know one of the things that he said upsets him is how I talk about being scared of things and he thinks it's him. It's not exactly, but I can't say I'm not scared right now. I can't say I can't think of about 100 things that have to do with us that doesn't scare me in some way. And that is unfortunate more than anything else. It's sucky. And I just don't know what to do.
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