Tomorrow's Prep

I'm going to a new church tomorrow. It's all new, never before seen. I have my reservations and my hesitations as always. I know they're making a big deal out of the idea that they will be the all-encompassing "welcoming" church that no one is anymore, but I'm having a hard time believing I'll see anything different than what I've always seen and I'll get the same responses that I always have, which I have to say, are quite lack luster.

It's not that there's someone there I'm trying to impress (except that there is), but I'd like to be able to be a big deal in this new church environment where this person will be schmoozing up the crowd. They're so extroverted, so energetic, so outgoing that this won't be a problem for them. But with that comes the notion that they know everyone and will talk to anyone and you know what? I can't compete on that level. I can't rely on my personality getting any job done when I'm in a church and I think we all know that. There are far too many better personalities that don't have hesitations or anxieties or problems that overshadow me (triple threat girl anyone?) and when they get together with another personality just as strong, I may as well stay home.

So I'm going with the superficial tactics. I think I've said before how much I value physical and superficial beauty and looks because that's the only time I ever feel even *slightly* desired and worth something in life. It's a hollow lie for a hollow girl living in a hollow shell. But when she can't compete with something real and true, she finds her best Betsey Johnson Victorian-bustle inspired jacket, her trendy stilettos with the adorable bows, her best pair of jeans that fits and hugs everything just right, and works it. Not just "works it," "saunters," "prowls." Prowling through a church? Why not. They don't regard me, I don't regard them. And I'm unconventional. If anyone can get away with wearing a corset in a church (which I did for my grandmother's funeral) and not looking like a tramp, it's me. I'm constantly pushing these small things, these idealistic wishes that no one can fulfill, and it's as simple as clothing. And if this clothing that doesn't belong in Hicksville, and this waist long mane of curls, and the way I can make up my face so well can get me some attention, I'm doing it. Why even try to hide it?

And I bet some will say she's trying too hard. Damn straight she is. And do you know why she is? Because you don't see her when she's not out there. Because you don't give a damn about her when she just has sneakers and jeans and a t-shirt on. Did anyone ever think when they see these people that are clearly out of control trying too hard that they might actually need help? That they might actually be hurting inside and aren't the sluts or fools that we all think they are? That these 15 year old girls are in trouble, if only in their minds? Sometimes people need someone outside of everything they've known to help them. But you know what? The people outside? They don't give a flying fuck. And that stuff inside those girls' heads that others write off as nonsense and childish? Those are the only things shaping them, the only things they know, the only things they relate to. And that makes them incredibly broken not even to their own fault.

This has veered a little. The bottom line I was getting at is simply this: Person I like and would like to become friends with at new church is a little too extroverted/energetic/all over. And so far I have seen no signs of them even having a passing thought about me in which they might shoot a text or facebook message over, unlike me who has a few times made funny quips about something they've said. It's obvious I'm not worth that much in their eyes and it's going to be more obvious tomorrow when I'm sitting in their church surrounded by their closest 600 friends. And that's why I'm making sure I look like nothing they have ever laid eyes on. I'm rocking out the superficial beauty (even if I'm not sure I even have the beauty to begin with) and the trendy clothing and the big city lifestyle because that, and only that, will make them look twice at me.

This is a fucking horrible world we live in.

Late Night Blogging

So I would really love to be asleep right now, but it's just typical of me to postpone it even when I have to get up at 6am. And then I just get mad at myself for getting only 4 hours of sleep and then driving for 2 hours and well yea. Oh well. Late night blogging is the best.

Feel like I can't even write an update because too many stuff has probably happened (even though I feel like nothing has really changed when I know things have). School got better; haven't really had any attacks since the last one I spoke of and I've enjoyed hanging out with the guys and talking movies and school with them. There's a few new people added into my life and I'm not quite sure what to do about this blog. I mean, I don't advertise but it's not the hardest thing to find. So now do I censor my crazy or just go wtf do I care? I care a little to say the least, but I mean... I feel pretty normal right now.

Well normal enough considering I do feel fairly numb. I mean, I'm not outrageously depressed or angsty or anything, but I'm not outrageously happy either. I'm just very tired. I have one week of class left and a whole bunch of video projects crashing down on me so I mean... Better I feel numb than overtly stressed or something (which I'm sure I am no doubt).

But I suppose I haven't changed. I'm learning to censor my crazy (even my crazy faith side that I hoped people in churches would understand) because it has come to the point at which I KNOW people just don't like crazy people. Mental sicknesses of any sort (depression, anorexia, asperger's, etc) are just too taboo and weird and people just don't want to know or have anything to do with it. And I suppose I can handle that, but I sometimes wonder if I have to hide it all my life am I just living a lie in the end?

Like if I actually found someone I wanted to pursue a serious relationship with would I always have to be on my best behavior? Would I have to pretend that I'm not a black and white vigilant person who only gets a temper when injustice is happening in the world? Would I have to pretend that I don't feel any panic attacks or hyperventilate when I'm in a new social situation that is absolutely terrifying? So I'd have to pretend to, well, be Kristin Chenoweth. So I'd Chenofy myself until I became someone fake and made sure not to talk about any of my inner turmoil and the fact that sometimes I may not see things correctly. Instead I see things in rainbows and unicorns and Candy Mountain and opera and Oz. And what would happen if I reverted back to a darker mindset? The times when I wasn't actually sure I could feel things physically so I'd hurt myself to see if it was possible? Then it was like I was a complete fraud. But I can't very well ever tell someone I want to love me that I can handle cuts and bruises and wounds and I completely disregard anything that could happen to me. It just won't work. But it's not like it would ever happen really.

Ok, if I go to bed now I can get 6 hours of sleep. Good enough odds for me.