Update on my non-existent no-one-gives-a-damn life:
I had a second interview for a production intern. All seemed well, I seemed in, she seemed ready to get me going, she was going to get schedules worked out and then email everyone...
Week and a half later and nothing. And this time, I'm beyond the point of fighting for this shit. Whoever these people are, they are assholes. They lied about positions for me and they couldn't even give me a "sorry we just don't think you're right" email out of gratitude. If this is the industry, count me out. I don't need to be around lying, disrespectful, pretentious assholes. Ya'll can go to hell. You hear that God? They're going to hell.
And I'll still play the "God has a plan for me and I'll let him lead me" card, but I can't wait for something that is never going to happen. I just wanted to know if I was going in the right direction career-wise or if I should start looking for some clerical assistant position to be with for the rest of my life. I didn't get an answer. But I didn't get this chance on a film, so I guess that means I need to clip my wings, knock myself off this pedestal, and submit to a typical Midwestern lifestyle. I can live at home, work in an office, and go out to the bars on weekends.
Speaking of bars and weekends... This past weekend I actually decided to drive the three hours south to visit a friend who was celebrating her husband's birthday. Oh there's a lot of back story with us three needless to say, but I bit the bullet because I have been SO isolated. Haven't been hanging out with my friends up here because I hit my quota of coupleness. So how ironic I went down to spend a weekend with another couple. Hypocrite much?
It turned out to be ok, and possibly more pleasant than my usual normal visits with friends up here. Although the drinking part may have helped that. I told my mom I could handle being around him if I was drunk, and I was right. But also it was nice because she has girlfriends that we can hang out with as well. And they all have boyfriends, but that wasn't the big deal. It was girls' night out. And it was fun going out to Chinese, just the five of us. In a lot of ways, I really just wanted to stay down there. I'm not doing anything with my life, so there's no reason I can't just stay at some random person's house and hang and not do anything there with them. And I think the hubby wanted to bond with me a little more. And honestly? I kinda wanted to bond with him a bit more too.
Downside. I cannot be in environments with cats. Even though they had a very nice closed off guest room I could sleep in, it did not stop my allergies from attacking me. By the end of the weekend I could barely talk from a sore throat, and my sinuses were relentless. Two days later and I'm still fighting off a sinus infection. I would love to go visit them again. But if that happens, I'm staying at a hotel.
Best part of the weekend is I didn't have to think about anything. I could just have fun and wonder what hairstyle I would do the next day. The second I came home, a rush of disappointment and pain came screaming back to me. Now I'm back in a limbo of dissatisfaction, frustration, and turmoil. Nothing changed over the weekend. And of course it wouldn't have because I have to change it. But I'm still stuck trying to understand who I am and where to go. The girls I hung out with were all nurses, which was cool and I liked hearing their stories. But I didn't completely fit after all. I'm a wild card. People say I'm unique, but being unique doesn't make your path of life any easier.
I guess it's a good thing I'm still sick. I'm allowed to go to bed early (er). And I'm allowed to dope myself up on medication. I really hope I sleep through the night this time.
So screw you, rollercoaster of emotions. You're done. No more ups and downs. I'm back to the down. Just how I like it.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Rollercoaster Part 2
This is called irony: Going off on an angry rant about how people don't call you back after a job interview only to find out the next day they email you and say they want you to come in and talk to the director to be his assistant. Hah.
So of course I email back enthralled out of my mind saying I'm open the next days he suggested so whatever would be their convenience I would be fine with. Then nothing.
Wow, is this what the film industry is all about? I would think there are deadlines and a fast paced environments where they need all the people (especially lackeys) that they can get as soon as possible. And if someone is practically throwing themselves at you, you'd snatch them up as soon as possible. It's free help. And much less of a load for you. I would take advantage of that. I also have a feeling I would be scheduling when to hire what and how soon to help for the short nature of pre-production. But I'm sure it's been insane crazy over there and I can't really talk since I've never done any of it before. I just think I could benefit them greatly since I thrive on schedules, structure, and organization.
Anyways, few days later I emailed him pretty bluntly to say "when can I come in." Next day, got a phone call saying the director is holding off on the idea of an assistant, but they'd love to put me in a different department. I chose the art department, he said he'd pass my resume along that way, and thus was the end of that. And that phone call was two days ago.
I'm not feeling at breaking point like I did last time about this whole thing. Is this God's way of toughening me up for the industry? Spose it could be. And that's fine. I'm going to need to be resilient and brazen and aggressive in this, I can tell. Ok, bring it on. I can't see myself doing anything else so I'm going to fight tooth and claw for this. And if all else, it's the art department, they deal with sets and props a majority of the time so maybe there is a good chance of me getting to work during filming. After all, it doesn't start filming til the 21st. There is still always hope. Until April, there will be hope.
And until April, I've decided to hold off looking too terribly hard for any temp jobs or anything here. Finally got the ok from my mom and I think my dad had been fine with whatever scheme I had concocted in my head since I moved back here. For me, the idea of getting this chance to work on a movie isn't about the glory or the name or the credit, but my identity. I spent a lot of time with a few friends this past weekend (and finally got to drink a little again since New Year's Eve), but the more I'm with them, the stronger I feel a bit of a separation in who we are as well-defined adults. We're no longer 15 years old running around in malls and having absolutely everything in common because we're 15. We are adults with clear interests and points of views and beliefs and passions. And it's scary in a way to think that because of this stage, we're not nearly as close nor will we ever be again. There's no reason to not spend time with them and have fun and all, but conversations are shallow. Deep topics are not delved into. I mean, we're not shallow like vain or anything, but it's a lot of surface conversations. Shows we like to watch, where we ate out last time, what our Sims characters have been up to, sometimes I throw Chenoweth in there, and music is always up there as well. And if we're at their house, there are puppies and they are the things I gravitate to the most. You don't have to talk to dogs if you don't want to. I find I talk to them more.
For me, keeping the identity and air of the cities is very important. I've been looking for a way to get out there at least once a week just so I stay connected to it and maybe meet new people over there. You could never tell if that would lead to a potential roommate situation or a job offer. And after I was told by a person I respect as a city dweller that he would have never known I was from the country, I want to keep that. I do dress a little differently than the country, if I go out anywhere, no matter how short a time, I wear make up. I think it's subdued and natural, but around my friends I can see where it looks made up. Yes, I always wear mascara because it makes my eyes pop. And sometimes my eye shadow shades look a bit dark or smoky, but once again because they make my eyes pop. I don't wear crazy lip colors or get my nails done, and I don't wear skinny jeans (hips are too big), but I like heels and dark wash jeans. And for the winter I enjoy my peacoat and I'm sorry it's from Guess. I also love my Eileen Fisher arm warmers. But that's my personal style and I never try to out-do anyone.
Plus, I'm just thrilled to see arm warmers as an official fashion trend. I've been wearing them since high school back when they were "punk" and "goth" and so not in.
I know the way we look shouldn't be a big deal, but I think we all know by now that sometimes it is. It's just a matter of where I feel comfortable I guess and sometimes I wonder what my group of people would be if I was living over in the cities for a much longer period of time than I got to. And sometimes I get scared that I'll go back too much to the defeatist blue collar country attitude. And that scares me. Sure, no job I'd get here would be any level up lackey minimum wage status, but it's the mentality that I see all around me that I don't have nor do I want to have it. And over the weekend? I was a little scared because if you observed us from the outside, we were in situations I never wanted to be a part of. Situations that almost fit the stereotype I was trying so hard not to join.
And that's why until I know for sure this movie thing isn't going to pan out, I'm not quite ready to bite the bullet yet. And if I do, I WILL. I know when to sacrifice. I know when it's time to do something that really isn't favorable, but I need to do it for the greater good. And I won't complain because I know. And it probably won't be the worst thing in the world because I will at least be socializing and around people and face it, even the most introverted of introverts (that would be me) still need to meet their quota of socialization. In the end, I'm not above anyone else. I don't fit properly, no. But I am no holier than the next nor do I deserve any special recognition or treatment. I just need to try to keep an identity of a better life intact within.
So of course I email back enthralled out of my mind saying I'm open the next days he suggested so whatever would be their convenience I would be fine with. Then nothing.
Wow, is this what the film industry is all about? I would think there are deadlines and a fast paced environments where they need all the people (especially lackeys) that they can get as soon as possible. And if someone is practically throwing themselves at you, you'd snatch them up as soon as possible. It's free help. And much less of a load for you. I would take advantage of that. I also have a feeling I would be scheduling when to hire what and how soon to help for the short nature of pre-production. But I'm sure it's been insane crazy over there and I can't really talk since I've never done any of it before. I just think I could benefit them greatly since I thrive on schedules, structure, and organization.
Anyways, few days later I emailed him pretty bluntly to say "when can I come in." Next day, got a phone call saying the director is holding off on the idea of an assistant, but they'd love to put me in a different department. I chose the art department, he said he'd pass my resume along that way, and thus was the end of that. And that phone call was two days ago.
I'm not feeling at breaking point like I did last time about this whole thing. Is this God's way of toughening me up for the industry? Spose it could be. And that's fine. I'm going to need to be resilient and brazen and aggressive in this, I can tell. Ok, bring it on. I can't see myself doing anything else so I'm going to fight tooth and claw for this. And if all else, it's the art department, they deal with sets and props a majority of the time so maybe there is a good chance of me getting to work during filming. After all, it doesn't start filming til the 21st. There is still always hope. Until April, there will be hope.
And until April, I've decided to hold off looking too terribly hard for any temp jobs or anything here. Finally got the ok from my mom and I think my dad had been fine with whatever scheme I had concocted in my head since I moved back here. For me, the idea of getting this chance to work on a movie isn't about the glory or the name or the credit, but my identity. I spent a lot of time with a few friends this past weekend (and finally got to drink a little again since New Year's Eve), but the more I'm with them, the stronger I feel a bit of a separation in who we are as well-defined adults. We're no longer 15 years old running around in malls and having absolutely everything in common because we're 15. We are adults with clear interests and points of views and beliefs and passions. And it's scary in a way to think that because of this stage, we're not nearly as close nor will we ever be again. There's no reason to not spend time with them and have fun and all, but conversations are shallow. Deep topics are not delved into. I mean, we're not shallow like vain or anything, but it's a lot of surface conversations. Shows we like to watch, where we ate out last time, what our Sims characters have been up to, sometimes I throw Chenoweth in there, and music is always up there as well. And if we're at their house, there are puppies and they are the things I gravitate to the most. You don't have to talk to dogs if you don't want to. I find I talk to them more.
For me, keeping the identity and air of the cities is very important. I've been looking for a way to get out there at least once a week just so I stay connected to it and maybe meet new people over there. You could never tell if that would lead to a potential roommate situation or a job offer. And after I was told by a person I respect as a city dweller that he would have never known I was from the country, I want to keep that. I do dress a little differently than the country, if I go out anywhere, no matter how short a time, I wear make up. I think it's subdued and natural, but around my friends I can see where it looks made up. Yes, I always wear mascara because it makes my eyes pop. And sometimes my eye shadow shades look a bit dark or smoky, but once again because they make my eyes pop. I don't wear crazy lip colors or get my nails done, and I don't wear skinny jeans (hips are too big), but I like heels and dark wash jeans. And for the winter I enjoy my peacoat and I'm sorry it's from Guess. I also love my Eileen Fisher arm warmers. But that's my personal style and I never try to out-do anyone.
Plus, I'm just thrilled to see arm warmers as an official fashion trend. I've been wearing them since high school back when they were "punk" and "goth" and so not in.
I know the way we look shouldn't be a big deal, but I think we all know by now that sometimes it is. It's just a matter of where I feel comfortable I guess and sometimes I wonder what my group of people would be if I was living over in the cities for a much longer period of time than I got to. And sometimes I get scared that I'll go back too much to the defeatist blue collar country attitude. And that scares me. Sure, no job I'd get here would be any level up lackey minimum wage status, but it's the mentality that I see all around me that I don't have nor do I want to have it. And over the weekend? I was a little scared because if you observed us from the outside, we were in situations I never wanted to be a part of. Situations that almost fit the stereotype I was trying so hard not to join.
And that's why until I know for sure this movie thing isn't going to pan out, I'm not quite ready to bite the bullet yet. And if I do, I WILL. I know when to sacrifice. I know when it's time to do something that really isn't favorable, but I need to do it for the greater good. And I won't complain because I know. And it probably won't be the worst thing in the world because I will at least be socializing and around people and face it, even the most introverted of introverts (that would be me) still need to meet their quota of socialization. In the end, I'm not above anyone else. I don't fit properly, no. But I am no holier than the next nor do I deserve any special recognition or treatment. I just need to try to keep an identity of a better life intact within.
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