Back to Roots

Well I was a bit triggered tonight by something stupid bf posted on facebook and I just don't know what to do with the whole situation and I just want to call the entire relationship quits. Can I do that? Over something he doesn't even know was a problem? I can't imagine he cares about me at all right now so I mean big deal, yea?

Anyway, I'd like to go back to one of the big roots of this blog that up until a year and a half/two years ago was a HUGE topic on this blog: My faith. I still have an incredibly huge faith in God and am still, for all intensive purposes, identified as close to Christian I guess as one could get. I still absolutely hate churches and the people in them. And have still continued to have absolutely no success with becoming friends with anyone who is supposed to believe what I believe. Heck, in fact I went to church today with my parents since I was visiting them and walked in as a very unpleasant antagonistic human being. But you know what? That doesn't stop a single part of me from believing and having a relationship and faith in this God.

I don't talk much about it, probably because I don't have anyone to talk to about it. All my friends are some form of agnostic/atheist/other, and my little dream of having a boyfriend who had a similar faith so I could actually open up to about my beliefs crashed and burned. He's the worst offender, in fact. My other friends know where I stand and are incredibly respectful. In fact, I've been able to have conversations with them that didn't boil down to "why do you believe that well why do you believe that you're stupid here's why." But it's not something to be relied on, so I shut up. I even shut up on here. I guess I forgot in a way. I've been so consumed by this relationship. I've never forgotten about God, and one of the things that keeps me going is knowing in the back of my heart that he's working somehow in my life. That's where my faith is, and that faith is strong. So no, I didn't verbalize it. And I'm incredibly protective, so really I look at it like he's MY God and I'm not sharing him with you, especially since you don't care anyway view.

But bf has said things about my faith that has rubbed me the wrong way, made me feel bad (possibly indirectly), made me question the relationship really from the start. I never said anything because I was afraid I'd be rejected and the relationship WOULD end. And one of the last things that crazy ex roommate of mine said when me and David met was "If he's not Christian, don't do it. It won't work out." And well, I was bound and determined (and still am) to prove her wrong. But now, for some odd reason, his latest posts on facebook about a documentary on why religious people are wrong and stupid and the video he posted of some musical comedian making fun of someone just.... Really gets to me.

No, I don't like a lot of Christians. I am not going to lie. But I like my God and Jesus because I still believe they are love and acceptance and everything I want to be. I don't believe hardly any Christians are like that anymore because they are fucking HUMANS and let humanity take control, but again, it is still my faith, still my religion, and I am still protective of it. So when someone, especially someone I care about that I thought cares about me, starts making insulting off hand comments and not so subtle jabs, it affects me. It DOES insult me. Not gonna lie, I insult churches a lot. But I've had the experience and am technically one of them which gives me a better insight and right to do so. And I know exactly who I'm insulting. He doesn't. He just throws it all out there in one generalized big group which happens to include me. I've let it go for so long and it's probably just made me weak and constantly compromising. I've let so much go for so long. He hurts me so much sometimes. And unfortunately for me, I can't forget them. And then they start building on each other and become almost unbearable. They practically paralyze.

And now, usually, since we've had talks about opening up and discussing things, especially when I get triggered by something, I'd just say "Well when I get back to the cities I'll let him know," but I don't even know if I get that luxury right now because of his "emotional stress from work." I don't want to over pressure him, as I've said, and I'm not sure a conversation about how you insulted something that is fundamentally ingrained in me would not have some pretty good pressure attached to it. Damn, why is this relationship rough again? And why is it only rough on my end? Why does he get to be so fucking blissfully oblivious to this turmoil? This is really not fair. I just.... There is really nothing I can say.

Understanding

I'm frustrated. A little worried, and that's what frustrates me. I can't stop that this is the way I react to things and think about past events and future happenings and that's who I am as a person. But it frustrates me to know the person I care about is not this same way and cannot fully understand it nor work with me through the process. And so it frustrates me that I don't feel like I can talk and explain it when it starts happening. And I know he's asked in the past just to try to understand what I'm going through, but I assume listening and trying to take any of it in and to heart wears on his emotional capacity, so I try to do it sparingly and when I know he's in a healthy enough place to hear it.

Well, he has 3 jobs now. All kind of part of the same company, but he's doing 3 different people's jobs, and it's a lot for him. In fact, he's warned me that until it settles and gets sorted in April, he's going to be tired and won't be able to really be emotionally available for me at all. It's been a week, and I think I did really well understanding when I was with him. I'm trying to keep life easy and be chill and be more decisive and make or contribute to dinner and not be physically pushy and be too much *there.* But it's only been a week. And I had been feeling close to him recently because we were having meaningful conversations and were connecting and he was reciprocating. But now all I'm feeling is disconnection.

He can't give me what I need. I guess I require a lot of emotional care or something. Not really, it's just how I connect, and it's the opposite of anything he can do. So I know he has to work at it. But he has to use it to fuel himself through this work crap. But now because of this "emotional" thing, I don't feel like I can talk to him about anything. I'm afraid anything I talk about that is serious and meaningful and directly affecting the relationship he won't be able to contribute to and will shut down or just break up with me altogether. That's what happened the first time; his emotional capacity was so drained that he just quit and we were done. And I'm scared.  I'm worried I can't get through the next 5 months without fucking myself over somehow. Like I've said, I'm working on just emotionally disconnecting so it's easier to be around him.

I'm just not sure I'll be able to come back from it.

How do I bring up this concern? How do I bring up my concern that I'm not sure we have the same stance as far as children in the future go? How do I bring up that is stupid comment about "can I break up with you so I can have a cat" hurt me and scares me? How do I bring up that I'd like to know if marriage is a thought that has even crossed his mind or something he's interested in (just in a whole)? This is very serious stuff, and it requires serious emotional intimacy power that I don't know if he has.

And the frustrating thing is he always tells me to look on the bright side of things and to not remember bad times (such as the things I try to prevent) but good times that we've had, and if he knew this was all I was thinking about, would it annoy him? Would it just shut him down period? It's so frustrating, I don't know what to do. I would do anything to keep this relationship going and will work for it, which is why I'm trying to be as understanding as possible, but sometimes I question if he's in the same place. I have to assume I suppose, but when he never actually says that straight out, it can be hard to tell. And now this new development... It's not an excuse or scapegoat really, but it's convenient for him to not have to work. I know one of the things that he said upsets him is how I talk about being scared of things and he thinks it's him. It's not exactly, but I can't say I'm not scared right now. I can't say I can't think of about 100 things that have to do with us that doesn't scare me in some way. And that is unfortunate more than anything else. It's sucky. And I just don't know what to do.

You Cut Open Your Skin

But then what? What does it accomplish? Why is it so important for you to see that, to look upon the fresh bright blood against pale skin? To have a piece of your body exposed and vulnerable to the impurities of your surroundings? Does it make you real again? Does it make you whole? Does it make you whole to cut a piece of yourself out of your own body?

I ponder this. I don't remember the last time I sliced and diced anything from my body, and while that should be a good thing (and yes, it is), it makes me wonder what that pain felt like. Or rather, what that relief felt like. My body has been so unexposed to physical pain lately, or at least the type I crave. A sore ankle or charlie horse won't do it. Not the right kind of pain. The outer kind. The kind that happens from a hit or a fall or a bump or a push or a slice. Inner pain doesn't work on me because it's not the inner part of me that has the problem. It's my skin.

I don't feel particularly suicidal or down or anything right now. But I have nothing else to do with my night but go to bed, and it made me think I could take a little physical out on myself right now. Nothing else to do. Body seems numb. I don't have any marks or cuts or bruises (set aside from a few love bites that while they look great, don't feel like anything), and I don't remember if I know what those feel like. I don't know if I remember that burn that came with the blade or the throb that came with the bruise. So I thought "well...maybe I could."

But then I got to thinking, as the title suggests, I cut open my skin, but then what? For what? I could give you a hundred different reasons as to why I personally feel at this very moment, and all moments when I do this should do this. And it is a little fascinating. How can something raw and vulnerable create such a sense of calm and make someone feel better when they look at it? I long to see the blood, I won't lie. I long to see a deep cut with that gross mixture of bright red and yellow skin tissue all out there in the open. I terribly long to see something on my arms again. I terribly long to feel that soothing burn.

Would it make everything better? Would it solve the problems with bf? When my physical starts getting affected by my mental, my mental reset can usually be taken care of by the physical. I punch myself a few times, maybe make a few slices, would anything underlying in my brain just go away?

We've gotten better since the Destiny incident. Hell, I've even started playing Destiny (I suck at it, but I play it and sometimes actually enjoy it). He let me make an official PSN account so I can feel a part of something and I've downloaded some pinball games that entertain me and that we play together sometimes. I came out with all the shit I had been feeling and he responded in his own way. To make sure I felt a part of something and a part of him and when I mention things about how I'm wired to desire more physical contact or some other sort of thing, he shifts his behavior and I can pick them up. I notice everything that changes. And he's a wonderful guy because of that. Sure, he's never gonna say I love you...But I digress.

So why do I want to physically reset anything? I know I best connect in serious, emotional, and intimate moments. And we all know he can't and won't. Lately I've tried my hardest I guess to just try to study him, to find a connecting moment that we can share, but it's not there. Not like how I see it in my head. He doesn't respond well to solemn, while others would get goosebumps just thinking about a connection like that with someone they care about. He responds to me being happy go lucky and somewhat ridiculous. If I reset, if I cut or bruise, would the solemn desire go away? Would I go back to happy go lucky? Would whatever is holding me back sometimes from normal activities and actions and conversations I usually have go away again?

I sometimes think it will. I don't know for sure, I guess. Haven't tried it. I mean, yet, lately, whatever. Thing is, I don't see why it wouldn't. But two things could happen. I could reset back perfectly and be awesome for a while, or I could find a false sense of reset only to have something worse manifest when he sees the marks and I spiral instead. Lately I've been acutely aware of that spiral feeling that happened last year that broke us up and I've been trying to do my best to make sure that doesn't happen again. The ironic thing is it started at about this time too. I can't do anything to jeopardize that, not now. We may have had some sort of break through. Some sort of communication. And I can't fuck that up because I go back to my old ways.

That physical pain is so important, as is the visual, it's true. It does calm me, make me feel better. It's a reassurance that I can't get from anything or anyone else. But I know how people would react if they saw it. I've spent this entire time mulling over my head where a good spot on my body would be that wouldn't be seen by my mom tomorrow when we go shopping if I start trying on clothes. Or by bf when I'm prancing around in my cute little t-shirt/panty outfits. The good news is bf is not particularly observant. But my parents are. They've had a lifetime to figure out my shit and are pretty good at it now. Strange when the pros and cons revolve only around who will see the marks on your body, not the actual act of performing them. It's a pretty messed up thing. I'm a pretty messed up person with a pretty messed up body. But here I am. Here I am.

Destiny

So I've had a kinda rough past month. Cool things happened that I think people would be jealous of, and while I don't discount said experiences, I was really miserable and in a lot of pain and had a hard time.

I spent two weeks in the *as far north as you can go* part of Minnesota filming a movie as craft service, which, as I had done briefly in the past, promised to be fairly simple and straight forward with not too much pressure and just me to account for myself and keep myself in check.

Well, it didn't work that way. Turns out craft turned me into a madman, mentally and emotionally not being prepared for the demands and uncertainties that came with trying to provide food for 40 people every day. In an isolated wilderness where I couldn't quick run to starbucks when everyone suddenly needed a quick espresso pick me up at 3 o'clock in the afternoon. There was the miscommunication and big personalities that butted heads and I ended up at their mercy. Then there was the physical aspect of being on my own and trying to haul coolers, tables, cases of drinks, etc, back and forth up rocky hills, through rocky paths, against lake fronts for half a mile. On my own. Craft service was isolating. Everyone had their own little departments that they got to know each other and had common things to talk about during the filming, but I was just there. Just with my food and drinks and car and coolers. It took a huge emotional toll on me. So huge I ended up sick by the 3rd day in. It's been almost exactly a month, and I still have remnants of that sick.

So for two weeks I was isolated and away from anything and everything that ever felt comforting, normal, safe for me. Honestly, I thought it would tear me away from the bf, being there were some charming lovely crew guys there who knew how to talk and had interests like me (often things that lack in this relationship because he just *can't* or maybe at this point *won't* try to do them), but instead it just brought me closer to him. Or at least made me want to be back with him more. As well as my family. Any place safe and comforting. When we got done filming up there, we came back into Minneapolis to film another week and I had 2 days off that I could spend personally any way I wanted. Of course, I just wanted to be with bf, just us, just basking in being together again. But that became short lived and not as important I could tell, to him as it was to me. We were together, but it was the same ol' same ol', play video games, play on your phone, sit beside each other and consider it good. I needed more than that, but there was nothing I could say.

And then there was Valleyfair. For labor day, we have this tradition of going to Valleyfair. There is hardly anyone there since they all go to the state fair and labor day weekend is when they do corn fest so it's all the free corn on the cob you can eat. I was so looking forward to it, as it is our tradition, as well as being our 4 month anniversary of when we got back together. That's also extra special because we went to Valleyfair that day as well. We two work really well when we're out at places, especially places like that because that's where our similarities really lie and everything is just easy. However, I got back from up north and found out someone else was coming with us. Girl that I guess I can say is my friend, but who I still have reservations on, and now have even more since I've been out of the loop for so long. By Monday, I was sick again. Just wiped out and exhausted and physically sick, but dammit I was not going to let him go by himself with her. To a water park. With her in a swim suit. So I went. And it turned out fine. I wasn't as talkative and animated as I would normally be, but it was fine. I rode some rides with him, rode some with her, yea. But it just wasn't enough "us" time since the next day I was back on the shoot.

Halfway through filming, I got news that my great aunt who suffered from Parkinsons wasn't doing well at all and was in a coma, so I had to cut out early (which was a relief as far as the film was concerned) and head home, so again, no time with bf. Her funeral was yesterday. And now I'm back in the city, trying to remember what a normal life was like. I don't even know what I'm going to do tomorrow and that sucks.

I was warned pretty early on, and continually, that bf was getting a PS4 so he could play Destiny, and that that was going to consume his time. Destiny just came out today, and now I feel like I have nowhere to go. He posts about how great it is, how pretty the gaming console is on facebook, and I actually feel replaced. He never posts about me or us, and I guess it upsets me that he can get so excited over an inanimate object but he could care less about a real human. Funny, I suppose, feeling jealous of a game. But the emotion is there, so it's real. He's offered to *let* me "hang out with him" while he's playing it, but that environment just makes me feel bad. It always has when he's gotten wrapped up in a game. I know rationally enough it's not a complete reflection on me, and that he sees it as a totally acceptable way to spend time with me, but the fact is, it is an avoidant technique and he doesn't have to focus emotionally and all his energy on connecting with his girlfriend. I'm coming out of an incredibly isolating, stressful, and emotional month and I need nothing more than some TLC from someone I care about who I thought cared about me, but I know I will not receive that until... Well who knows when? When he gets tired of the game, I suppose. I just can't be with him without some undivided attention. And I won't rain on his parade. This is why I'm not there tonight. It would trigger my body into feeling even more disregarded. Disregard is something I've struggled with my entire life, and one of the worst feelings I can feel. Being in the situation would push me over the edge, even though being separated isn't much better.

It's just funny, I don't know where to go now. I'm alone again, like I was there. I was still surrounded by people (clearly lots too), but every waking moment on that set was another stake in the heart of how alone I was. And now being back here with nothing going on, I don't know what to do with my life. I don't know what to do with myself. And I don't even have the one person that I relied so much on to be there.

I wish I could explain better the strength that emotional connection gives me. Or just how to explain "emotional connection." He doesn't get it and doesn't have it. He has emotions, yes, I suppose, but I still look at him as cold and barren most of the time. He displays affects and emotions, but at the core, he will not connect with them. That is something that is so strongly ingrained in my being, and usually I can accept how he is. But then there are rough times like this where I need what my soul is made out of and craves, and he doesn't give it to me. I've changed and learned and know that I need to say something and explain it out to him, but right now he's in his playtime mode, and I'm not gonna knock that down. So I guess that's what writing is for. I needed to get this out. I think the most important thing I've learned and will ever learn is that we are only here for ourselves. Don't ever rely on someone else for anything, no matter who they are in relation to you. Only care about yourself.

Fucking Destiny.

How Do I Stop This?

This is very strange for me. I'm not sure why I get triggered so easily by one group of people. I'm also not sure why I am still incredibly hesitant and guarded when it comes to them. I think there's an exclusion thing that I'm dealing with, that even when I'm invited into the group setting, it's usually just as a *fifth wheel* who gets to hang out and not engage and interact. I have actually never felt so disappointed with myself that I don't play board games. And I have never been so disappointed with my social anxiety and my striving for perfection and need for comfort when trying something new. This is getting in the way. I just didn't expect this to happen.

What else do I need to do to calm my mind, quiet my fears? I have spent multiple times with these girls, done a road trip with one, so why can I not shake this? I can be there when they make plans, and it still bothers me. Something triggers in me and I can't figure it out. I first understood my reservations because I didn't know what had been going on with him and them after we broke up. And then I understood further when I realized how much he had used them as an excuse to stay away from me, which still involves a lot of remnants of pain for me. But I have acknowledged these, so should they not go away now?

I want to like them, I do. And I mean, I don't hate them or anything. But I tend to feel threatened by big personalities and bigger egos, and well, that's the group. In a way this intimidation or threat isn't a big deal, because I have dealt with many people I've felt that way about that I love now - my first intern supervisor who is now practically a second mother to me, my current boss who isn't anything to be worried about, and even one of my coworkers that I absolutely love to death. The difference is there was so much one on one time and so much observing that I could do because I was around them a lot and maybe that soothed things a lot easier. I want to do some one on one stuff with these girls, but I have a lot of reservations on that. I'm not sure how I'd handle it if I'm this thrown off just thinking about it.

And how can one part of a past affect your present and future so much? Especially when you see it? I'm not gonna lie, I've been flattered when they invite me or even start up conversations with me and sing Wicked songs in the car with me. But it's not enough. Why is it not enough? I don't trust them. I don't trust the "so comfortable in their sexual identity that they impose it on my boyfriend." I don't trust the "I guess I'll be monogamous enough and only sleep with one person but I won't emotionally commit to anyone so I could take what I need from your boyfriend."

Stop. Am I really that afraid of my boyfriend being taken away somehow? Well. Yes. Maybe I'm too fucking traditional now for this hipster society, I don't know. I just see this whole emotional attachment thing as being the biggest factor of a relationship and what connects people the most. If someone else wants to be as close as me to the person I'm in love with who should feel the same way, well, it's a threat. And he can't have it both ways. For a very long time, I was fine with playing that game, the sleep around, screw around, play around, don't attach, no emotional attachment, blah blah blah, and that changed. Because someone came into my life and suddenly became really fucking damn important. I just know what emotional shit means to me, so for someone to throw that around and possibly towards him, well that makes it hard for me. The same thing goes for the sex identity thing too. Congrats you're a model and you love your boobs and all that, and again, I used to be very similar. Course, my lack of concern for my body comes from the fact that I don't like myself period, so anything that could be deemed self damaging, I went for. Which includes random sex, not caring what's hanging out, etc.

And maybe now I just feel like I'm not worth as much, body-wise, if he can see other people anytime he wants, especially ones he hangs out with on a regular basis. My body is just an after thought now maybe, not something he strives to want to be a part of. Granted, it's not like I deny him of anything, after all, I am the more sexual creature here. Yet maybe it's just not appreciated the same anymore.

Fuck girl. The amount of insecurity you have. How did that happen? And what to do about it? You can't use it as a crutch, they will call you weak. They will think you're stupid because you're not strong. You're not "your own person." Social anxiety or not (and I know this comes with the territory), they will think you need to get the fuck over it. And they will have no problem saying that to your face. That's the kind of people they are, unfiltered, somewhat brutal, strong, independent women. And who says I'm not a strong, independent woman? I suffer from some mind shit is all. I suffer from a disorder that I certainly didn't want. I've tried to do my best for self clarity and understanding, and I have insanely improved, but that doesn't stop EVERYTHING. That does not stop the internal fight I have every time I'm around them. And I'm trying so hard to just have fun. And when we get into conversations and get going, it can be. I just don't know why, especially after distance and I hear something about what everyone's gonna be doing next, my body triggers. This is getting too complicated. How do I stop this?

Feeling Insecure

I'm gonna put this here because... Well, I can.

And I reeally don't have time to try to catch us all up to my life in the past month or so, but here's some highlights:

~Movie magic moments do apparently exist.
~Theme parks are great places to reconnect.
~Sometimes guys need you to leave before they realize that they care.
~And sometimes they need a wake up check to tell them that they need to tell you that.
~So I'm back in a relationship.
~There has been work involved on both ends.
~It's been a month.

K, that worked. But uh, yea. And things have been improved and I have been quite happy and content and have been able to understand and read and believe him more than I did and could before. He's not the easiest person to be in a first relationship with due to how he's wired and the amount of doubt and concern I had was just killing me. But now I see how he works, and that he still can't really do a good feedback response to me when something's upset me and I share it *on the spot*, but it seems the day after he processes it, I get something back. He has also seemed to make an effort to make sure I am ok when I start feeling upset or say so and will go out of his way to call when he's at work and such. Part of this is on me too, since I never could trust or believe that before if he did something like that. I wasn't sure it was genuine I guess. But things fall into place much better now.

Also, distance/separation is a very good thing. We both needed to be alone to figure our own shit out, and had everything not happened the way it did, we wouldn't be where we are now. He needed to realize, I guess, the actual amount and strength of whatever this "caring" was for me (hence being so upset over the guy situation), and I guess when he noticed that, it made him think that he should try this again. And me? Well, we all know I never stopped feeling for him. My actions were "moving on," but nothing else about me was. But the stipulation is this is real, and serious, and we all know how real and serious I am. I can only take him at face value when he says through the best of his working through the disconnect that this is for him. And I know that sounds doubtful, but I also now actually know him a bit better and know where he's acknowledged his emotional downfalls that I do not have. It's also led to actual meaningful conversations, and that was lacking the last time around. Improvements overall. Many improvements. And I take care of myself more. I like my alone time and being away from him. I know I can handle about 2 straight days on a weekend with him before I get worn out and moody. And I appreciate that this break up actually gave me that realization, understanding, and means to stick with it when I'm done.

But right, insecurity. The disclaimer here is that this seems to be a good relationship now. I wouldn't call it 110% functional, but it's not 110% dysfunctional either. It's a huge work in progress, but something I want to be a part of.

However, lately, and this is just more on me personally and mentally and I'm not sure why (which is why I'm writing it out), I've just felt overly secure and horrible about myself. I've also been increasingly nasty and mean about random people that do stupid things or movies or whatever. Super nasty. Venom spewing nasty. I mean, I have my moments, everyone does, but I know that for pretty much a month I was anything but this, and that shows me that this isn't and doesn't have to be my normal state. When we first started dating almost two years ago, this started happening to me too and it made everything fall apart. I ended up in such a hideous headspace that I started projecting things about how he sees me onto him and myself and ruined everything.

And that's how I'm feeling right now. So we don't have sex as much as we did say, oh 3 weeks ago when he couldn't keep his hands off me no matter where we were and I for the most part couldn't either. Now, we've already had talks about how he likes it when I'm the aggressor and that'll definitely get him in the mood (cuz I'm deathly afraid to start something and not have it reciprocated), and when I've said I just can't do it all the time, he just says he's been tired lately and it's been hard to...aggress. And I value sex waay more (as I still see it as a release and relaxation tool and he still sees it as more of a job and work), so I've gotten used to starting things when I want, but now I find that it all feels forced. I can't remember the last time I actually got him to cum, and everything feels a little off and awkward. We're not in sync, and there's such minimal touching. The touching thing is hard for me. I like to be explored, sucked on, bit, eaten out. I like there to be marks on my body. The more and deeper, the better. I like to look claimed. I like sensual hands rubbing over collar bones or rib cages or boobs or wherever. I like my hair and neck being grabbed and pulled into him. I like being pushed down and held. I like feeling passionate kisses.

And unfortunately, this isn't happening. And also unfortunately, all these more "sensual and passionate" things that I desire aren't just sex acts that you can tell the other person to do. They involve the desire and drive behind them that you can't force another human being to have. And I don't know what to do with that when he's just not going to do that. And I get worried when he's been like this for a little while now, always tired and such. I don't want this to end up like before and we both end up in some depression thing again. We've both battled it and it's something I try to pay huge attention to now with him and I don't know. But this gets hard on me. And I feel even worse about my body now that I'm friends with one of his friends who's a model. We're going up to a cabin this weekend and she'll probably be there and now I'm realizing how terrible my body looks and it's wearing on me even further. My size could be fine, yes, but the amount of cellulite and fat pockets and dimples this 27 "non-obese" year old has is ridiculous. My butt is not in the shape of a butt. And I have a double butt. Like a double chin, except under the butt. It's horrible and makes me feel terrible. The rest of the dimpling and puckering of skin on the back of my legs is just as bad. I've somehow put up with it because bf's told me that's something everyone looks past, but right now I just don't know if I can get in a swimsuit, especially if she's around.

I don't know why I'm feeling so inferior and insecure and horrible, but I am. And I don't like feeling secretly competitive with her. I can't compete anyways, I'm not the model. And I can guarantee this is why I'm being a bitch in real life. I'm having a hard time, and I don't like it. I don't like feeling like I'm going to be the cause we break up again because this has happened before. I'm so obsessed and focused on trying to not repeat the past with us because this is a fucking important relationship to me that I'd do anything to preserve. So can you imagine how it feels when you think you're the one who is going to ruin it? Sigh. Good talk though.

Speaking of talk, that's just what I'll have to do with him. That's been my new vow for whatever relationship I ended up in next, when I was feeling something that affected me (good or bad), I would acknowledge it and tell the person. I didn't before, and that ruined things. He kinda figured out something was up last night, but honestly? I hadn't been able to put enough thought and process into it to explain anything. And now I have. And it's really scary, having to talk about this stuff. I've done it a few times now and I've been terrified every time. I never know what I think is gonna happen, why I get so nervous. Rejection? Mocking? Getting an answer you don't want to hear? Probably. And I hate that it involves her again, since I've already had "feelings" revolving around her and some others (the gaming buddies that I was afraid to hang out with after we got back together since, well, he used them to avoid me. A little bit of pain there), and I don't want him to think I hate her or something. I don't want him to get annoyed or mad at me about it. I'm trying. Fucking trying.

But yea, there's some insecurity goin on here. I suppose it was a matter of time. I'm hoping it's just a phase. A hormonal thing or something, I don't know.

Oh May, You Need to be Done

Well this has been one hell of a month. One HELL of a month. I cannot emphasize that enough.

Last weekend was Memorial Day weekend and I went on a camping trip with a huge group of people to the Dells. It was nerve wracking at first, I didn't know anyone, was incredibly new, everyone seemed to know each other... But it didn't take too long before I somehow had developed two male suitors for the weekend. Well, let's just say, I'm in a rebounding place because, well, shit, why wouldn't I be?

Well, they were fun. Enough I guess. Never mind the one kisses like a fish. Soo awkward. Taught me a lot that that isn't worth it. I didn't feel any better. Just a little dirty and disgusted. Also taught me I have no business in trying to be in a relationship for like a year or something. I felt nothing. And I tried. I tried the hand holding, conversations, jokes, all that jazz. But they left me feeling numb. I just felt forced and then I felt bad cuz these guys both seemed to take some sort of intense liking into me. In ways that the ex never could express and well, that was hard to avoid. End results weren't worth it though. I got out of hand and let things go too far. I still hate myself for that.

Well, needless to say, ex somehow found out about this (thanks to reading over my shoulder when I was texting someone), and just majorly freaked out. I couldn't understand why what I did with another guy would affect him so when he had broken up with me two months ago. Though I was feeling so bad about doing it and hating on myself because of it and feeling bad that I made him feel bad since that had never been my intention in life to hurt him, that I tried to tell him how sorry I was and that if I knew my actions would bother him, I wouldn't have done it. And that's true. But I thought he didn't care anymore. I thought he was done. Well, he barely let me get two words out before he was gone with that stoic stone cold face and I just knew it was officially over. He didn't want to hug me or touch me anymore, or even look at me. The separation would begin. This was Tuesday.

Well, I wake up Wednesday morning to a whole bunch of facebook notifications on my phone and discover he had been "cleaning" up his photos on his phone and facebook and had posted and tagged me in a bunch. Cue incredibly confused Elle here. To top it off, one of the pictures of me got all these comments, some from his dad, and that made me even more sad. I really miss his family. I liked them so much and I know they liked me. They were the first ones to learn about a really good potential film job interview even before my own parents. His dad was proud of me for it. His dad was proud of me because I could out drink him and a whole bunch of army guys when it came to scotch. He said so and actually bragged about it to his friends. So hard losing that.

Anyway that was a slight sidetrack. I cried, called my parents, dad assured me it was passive aggressive whether he knew it or not and assured me that it was all because now ex was getting these feelings that he didn't realize and up until now had not been challenged in any way. Deep down he knew what he was losing. And how close it was to lost. So this "phone clean up" spree was that. I continued on with life, but before I knew it, started getting text messages from the guy. Strangely enough, we had a lovely little text chat about our feelings and the relationship, and this is the first time I can remember him ever saying anything like this. He's just so bad at communicating emotions, SO bad. But having that was huge. He told me all our physical contact was still emotional and that he didn't know what else to do but try to separate all that and turn me into a "friend in his head." I thought he had done that back in March, and told him so. I honestly thought any emotion he had toward me was done, and now he let me know that was never the case? He thought I was trying to change him and was drained from it and that's why he said he was done? I was never trying to change him. Help maybe. I didn't expect things to change just like that, not after all that damage. And I told him it was not my intention and that I was sorry he saw it that way. I had reformed and I guess I wanted to show him what I learned. When he said he was "done trying," I assumed it was the relationship period. All I had ever needed to know was that he still wanted to be a part of this relationship together and I would have stayed. Course, I never got an official answer from that.

Didn't stop him though. Suddenly he became pursuant again and last night invited me over to watch movies and enjoy the internet since I still don't have any in my apartment. Well, he had acted so concerned that he couldn't look at me or touch me again for fear of getting mental images of me fucking another guy that I couldn't figure out how this was going to work. I expected no contact from him until he got over it like he said he had to. But then last night? Well, he seemed VERY over it.

It was like a movie moment, as fucking cliche as that sounds. I had walked over and it is so hot now outside so I was sweltering (also fighting a nasty sunburn from the weekend), so I kept trying to put my hair up or stand in front of the air conditioner. He would laugh and comment that I look good with my hair down and then try to take it down. He let me wear some of his shorts. And after I kept complaining and trying to put my hair up in one of those preppy annoying girl high buns, he finally dragged me to the kitchen where he grabbed a freeze pop and held it against me. Suddenly everything went movie- The standing close, hands on each others waists, the remarks that became soft comments as faces and lips got closer, the studying each other. Then the kissing and the gentle hands tracing the face, neck and shoulder. I fall to it every time, I just instantly start shaking. He noticed and asked if I was cold now and all I could say was "You've always made me weak in the knees." My lips would trace his jaw and neck and it was like exploring each other for the first time.

Anyways, not about to write 50 Shades of Grey here (although mine would probably be better), and needless to say, I ended up there for the night. We acted as if we were together again (which mind you I know is not true and is a dangerous place to be mentally), and it was refreshing. Nah, I secretly hoped this could be that moment, but alas, movie moments don't actually happen in real life. Well, parts of them do as mentioned above, but they don't work like they do in the movies. When he left for work today, he actually came back and gave me a hug in bed and then curled into it and laid with me. He's never done that. Not for like, ever. A year. No joke, at least a year. I could watch him and tell there was something going on in that head. He would look at the clock and then just curl right back to me. How did I get important enough that he'd waste a little extra time for me? And somewhere in the course of all that, he asked if I wanted to go to Valleyfair on Sunday. I didn't give him a definitive answer cuz I have plans with the internet wife this weekend, but again today he texted me to find out the answer.

Well, needless to say, I cannot say no to theme parks. This could get out of hand and I don't want this to. We both have passes, so it's no skin off our backs really to go on Sunday. But now it's up to me to put in some lines and boundaries. If this boy is thinking something, thinking ANYTHING, I need to know. Or else I need to officially move on and away. I understand the separation thing now. And we can't fall into "couple activity" when we are not a couple. It does not separate us and we need to reassess this. But I need to know why he gave up and broke my heart and I need to know if he even understands how to fully commit to a person like I committed to him and if he even can. Because while I was getting all these emotional vibes from him last night, unless he can concretely tell me how he feels and what he wants, I can never be back in a relationship with him. And I don't even know if that was ever an option to begin with, but neither of us did a good job acting apart, as I've said before. But maybe a setting like Valleyfair is a good place for this. Not to get EVERYTHING I just wrote out, but bits, just things to mull on here and there, nothing to drag the mood down, but maybe an actual conversation of substance here and there. Or at least I'll try. I need to know one way or another, and that in itself will take time. But it's up to me to put it into motion.

May has been too much of a month though, all over the place. It just needs to be done.

Moved Out

And it's done. I've officially moved out. This all feels incredibly mixed, I'll admit, and I suppose rightfully so.

I'm excited and thrilled for my apartment. It's super urban and hipsterish, especially for Minneapolis. Sure, it's a garden level, but it has a great layout and TONS of space and again has that urbanness to it. I'm happy to make it all my own again and put everything where I want it in whatever way I want it and in whatever time frame I choose.

But you know, I just walked away from something that was my life for a year and a half. And a living situation that was mine for 6 months. This is called change, and unfortunately, I've never been able to handle it very well.

Moving day on Saturday was absolutely miserable. Well, at the start of the day anyway. It was slowly setting in on me that this was inevitably the end of everything as I knew it. Lots of crying. Tons of tears. I looked like hell. And then I sucked it up and continued loading and unloading things with the help of my parents and well, ex. I still spent the night at his place because I guess I just couldn't let go. I had gotten accustomed to whatever our situation had become and was actually enjoying it.

But then Sunday rolled around and I realized all I wanted to do was get my remaining stuff out of here. Unfortunately Saturday had only been the big stuff and furniture, so EVERYTHING ELSE was still in his apartment. I guess I suddenly felt hurried and rushed and probably a little anxious or agitated. I had asked him if he would help me put my bed together, which he seemed to agree to, but as I was getting up to take a shower, I noticed his old gaming buddy girls texting him and I guess that could only mean one thing. After the shower I suggested a Target run since I needed a few things and he informed me he was going to do board games instead. So, never mind the bed thing or help, eh? While he assured me he'd do it later, I just didn't have that time. And I was gone.

Needless to say, I got a friend to help and we took care of all the shit. We ran back into him on our last run of picking stuff up and I just didn't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to do anymore I suppose. I guess he did get home at a decent hour compared to what I'm used to him doing, but he was all depressed and lethargic and I no longer know how to deal with that. I'm not your girlfriend, so I can't make you feel better and hold you or do anything. But it's shitty as a human being to just be like "tough, fuck you, enjoy your jobless depression state that I had that you seemed to not care about!" So there was still a lot of hugging. Always hugging.

Monday and Tuesday I still ended up seeing him and am still torn in ways. I've been picking stuff up that seems to just accumulate more and more and he's come and helped me move things into my new place and we even grabbed something to eat after and it's just... I don't know. He keeps hugging me hello and goodbye. And why do I have a feeling he will always do that? I know it doesn't mean he's in love with me or wants to get back together at all or anything and I know better than to think that should make me fall for him. It doesn't. But I'm in a limbo again is all. I just have to push past this feeling part because I'm tired and worn out and still grieving. I didn't do myself the best service by staying there for so long and getting accustomed to how we were acting and being even when we knew we were broken up.

But I don't have internet. So today I went back to his place to borrow it for a bit (as I am right now). I know his Wednesday nite routine so I know he won't be here which is really great in the end. I need to stop seeing him every day, especially when I'm supposed to have my own self-sustained life away from him. And he's already done a damn good job of that from me. The apartment is completely different. He's got decorations all over the place, he's been cleaning and organizing, and well, it's just totally different from when we were together. He also threw out a note I gave him a while ago that he had held onto since February on his desk. For some reason, as long as that was there, I always felt like there was a... hope. It was for a blog that deals with adult attachment styles that I had learned about and had helped me out a lot when everything first went sour in February and I thought maybe it could give him a perspective that maybe he hadn't thought of as far as himself and how he feels or doesn't in relationships. Gone now. In the trash.

You know, this was kind of the last straw thing that I think I needed. It's very painful here now, seeing how he's moved on and bettered without me and thrown my things away, but I guess I needed to actually SEE it for myself. I needed to know there's no lingering me here. I needed to know I was never that important. Now maybe anything that was holding me back from fully moving on will be gone. Now I can be done too. Here's my motivation to making my life 100 fucking times better than his. That my apartment will look 20,000 times better than his. That I will be better because I am. I didn't quit. I wouldn't have quit ever. I reformed and came back with the intention of reforming him and making everything proper and right again. And he didn't even want to try for a second. And I guess in the end that means he could not have cared that much. So I'll keep that in mind. Keep in mind I wasn't worth it, as that'll make it easier to forget him.

And now it is getting dark and I walked over here so I better get going. Goodbye apartment. I really started liking you. You made me happy. You were a part of me. I hope you hate him secretly that he made me leave. I do.

It's Crappy Again

Sometimes people just really screw with themselves, especially their emotions. I just did a good job of that. For the past 3ish weeks, I've been still living with the ex. However, we had still been acting chummy with each other and in good spirits. It wasn't dating, we knew it wasn't, but we got along really well and energy and vibe was feeling really good. Last Friday I went home for the weekend as I have been doing, and it was on a really positive note. It was a note that made me think if that's how we will be from now on, that is completely livable.

But something changed. I don't know what. I had a rough weekend taking care of my great aunt who is completely immobilized by Parkinson's in a strange, long turn of events and it wiped me out and made me very emotionally fragile. But I kinda had that hope of returning to this environment that had been so nice and made me feel so good about myself. Then he started posting things on facebook about going to clubs watching naked girls get body painted. And we're not together, no, but there was a twang of something in me that just made my heart sink. And from there, I never fully recovered I don't think. Now things felt so done and mean that I didn't know what I was about to walk into and I was scared. On my way in, he informed me he was using our parking space and I was out on the street. And that hit me hard too.

I knew the moment had to come at some point. I had been waiting for the day everything turns on me and that this is not allowed to feel in any way, shape, or form like my place anymore, and I guess this was the start. Now I felt uneasy and off and really nervous and anxious. He noticed some and at that very moment was nice about it. But....Now it's been a few days, and it doesn't feel right here. Even our playfulness isn't...there. I can no longer tell what I can and can't do around him or to him, and that is the exact feeling I had when we were together. Up until this moment I didn't care and owned everything I did and felt really good and empowered with myself. Suddenly this week it's the furthest thing from the truth. He wasn't acting like he had either to top it off. He was getting over being sickish, so I suppose that had contributed to it too. Which also probably contributed to me not knowing my boundaries or what I could do.

Cut to today when he left in the afternoon to hang with his little group and I knew I wouldn't be seeing him for the rest of the day since they then do gaming stuff on Wednesday nights. It was fine, I had activities out to do tonight too, but the few times I texted him with something funny and then to let him know I was parking in the back got me nothing. At least he used to be cordial. No I know he doesn't even care like "a friend", which had been his whole thing from the start. And now this is hard and now I feel crappy again. Things got too elevated, and while I thought I was still completely level headed, I should have known all that would screw with me and bring me back to this level. I had finally gotten over feeling like this and feeling like it was my fault all this happened, and now it's back. All I want to do is be in my own apartment now and live my own life far away from him. He originally acted like staying friends and activity partners was a feasible and tangible option (which had been his idea), but if he can't even regard me as a friend with giving me a follow up text, it's not.

Well, at least I have like, 4 apartments to look at tomorrow. I'm pretty desperate at this point, and if one looks good enough I may just take it on the spot. I'm done. I'm just... done. Oh, and I will have a job again soon since I've been working things out with the film board again. So at least if those officially fall into place, I can finally fully move on with my life. And I need that so badly.

I Don't Really Care.

...I don't think anyway. I'm not actually sure anymore.

I'm playing a very dangerous game for a woman (or so I would be told by all the female figures in my life who have gone through breakups and divorces and whatnots). I'm still allowing myself to live in this environment with this person who is supposed to be my ex that ripped out my heart and darkened my soul. It's not completely by choice in some ways, I have a lot of factors going on in my life right now and this living place is well, in the middle of where all my life has been- downtown Minneapolis, film, jobs, networking, etc.

Sure, now that the film festival is over, I don't technically have a job here anymore. And I don't technically have a living space if I wasn't allowed to crash in this apartment. But there are my people here. And if I pack all this shit up and move back home to booniesville, Wisconsin, I fear I'll lose whatever drive I had here and maybe not get it back this time. This isn't the first time I've had to do this. We remember that year, the year I had to recover from the broken leg. LOTS of entries on that. None very happy.

Granted, entries from this past year haven't been particularly happy either. You know, happiness is too dangerous. I never really liked it, it's not consistent enough and it does go away. You can't always stay happy no matter what. It's not physically or literally or mentally possible. Even the healthiest people aren't always happy. It doesn't work that way. I feel pretty bad now after rereading these entries just how horrible things got here. No one in any relationship should have to go through that. I didn't realize how severe it was at the time, but in a clearer headspace, it's horrible! I wouldn't wish that on anyone and I'm so sad it got to that point and that I was helpless to do anything about it. And I can understand the perspective of the ex, how he was seeing it and feeling the heaviness in the apartment. Me too. Unfortunately, not one thing started it, just a combination of both of our point of views being WRONG and darkening this place. And neither of us effectively did anything about it. He emotionally couldn't, and I was too terrified to say anything and unsure since having never been in a relationship, I wasn't sure what we talk about and what we take care of on our own.

It turns out if you're in a serious relationship with another human being, your well being is always something that should be talked about. Theirs too. I know now for the future that anything, even something super tiny, that triggers me in any way, I will share. It is only fair and yea there's this terror involved of being rejected or being mocked or disregarded, but I'll have known I got it out of me before it destroyed me, and I guess if I get that negative response, then this person is not meant for me.

Although I'll tell you right now, I have many doubts that there even is a person that is "meant for" me. There seems to be far too many variables when you throw in another human life, mentality, psyche, whatever, that I'm just not sold that it works this way. Especially for me. I had been convinced for my entire life that I was meant to be alone, that it was literally God's will and I was certainly not gonna mess with that, and then ex boy came along and changed all that. But now I'm back to the beginning wondering what the point was to begin with. Especially when you are actually in love with someone but they couldn't even care as deeply as you for you. Seems to be a stupid game. I don't like the odds, and I don't feel like taking anymore risks. I look at marriages and relationships of people I know and I can't even fathom what that is really like, how they got to those places of unconditional anything for each other. Maybe I had a dud. Or maybe this will be the best I will ever have in my lifetime. I don't think anything is on my side as far as relationships to come, and I guess that's fine now. I don't think I care anymore.

For the record, I know why he came into my life. I was trying to kill myself. I mean, literally. By the time we crashed into each other in person, I was on a one way trip to hell and I wasn't going to stop until I was six feet under. Between the cutting, starving, drinking, pill popping, I was trying to escape the living. And then he came and distracted me from it. And he made me feel good. He pursued me and made me feel things I didn't know I could and turned me around. I still had rough patches and mental bad times, but it wasn't like what had been going on. I was always so grateful and always tried to tell him. I even wrote him a lovely note about how much I appreciated him coming into my life for our only Valentines that was ever celebrated. I meant it. I've always meant everything I've said. I can't not. And maybe that's why this was so hard for me.

Sidenote: May have just gotten distracted by rereading really old entries of this relationship. And then started crying and apologizing profusely to my past self. I see now what I couldn't see then and I am so sorry I was put through this. Honestly though? Looking at these, having this chronicled, makes it easier for me to get over him, or to at least manage in this environment when I have to share the living space with him. I don't pine over him or gaze longingly at him because I know better and knew what became of that when I did in the past. I certainly don't want to keep this up for too long, feels like I'll wear out my welcome and we'll just get annoyed with each other again or something, and I really want all my stuff out of here just so he can see how barren and empty and alone this place will be without me and what I added, but at least I know I can take this in small doses.

To be honest, I've never been more secure around him than I am right now. That seems counterproductive or backwards, but it's true. I've also never felt more confident around him. We've taken up what appears to be fuck buddies and I love every moment of it. I love the random play that leads to things and somehow being irresistible, especially if I've been gone for a week. I'm more forward and take more chances, and maybe that just does have something to do with how I care so much less about what he thinks or will think. I can take or leave all of this and him now, and I feel more empowered. But like I said, I don't want to wear out my welcome, so I'll probably go back home to Wisconsin soon just to stay away and regroup which is what I've been doing and I look forward to those little things. This is just a visit spot now. He's just a visit...friend? Someone. Something.

And so I guess I don't really care anymore. Maybe there are some mixed signals when doing this, but I know for sure we are broken up. I know for sure I do not mean anything to him. I know for sure he does not feel emotionally connected to me in any way. I know for sure he never loved me. So, I'd like to say that's a step in the right direction.

I Hate You. You Hurt Me.

Well. That relationship is done.

Sigh.

I don't even- I don't- There are just no words I guess. Pain, I can tell you that. Definite pain. And I'm pissed. I'm so angry.

I'm angry that he just gave up. He just shut down and decided to not even bother trying in the relationship when it finally got hard and he could no longer ignore it. Damage had definitely happened in the relationship, if this blog is any indication, but he had me led on that he actually cared and could handle when I was in this depression that I went through. That was a lie. He couldn't and so he shut off emotionally from me. Everything I was feeling and talking about on here? Was legit because he had already started acting that way without even knowing it.

He has reactive attachment disorder. It's a pretty sucky thing that does legitimately cut off emotional understanding in your psyche. I figured this out, put it past him, and he agreed. I looked into adult attachment styles and found there are four different ones- one being an avoidant attachment style. Another insecure. He's an avoidant and I've become insecure. It's the most common but the most dysfunctional and destructive. They said it can be overcome with understanding and work from each party, and it had seemed he was going with that too.

But then a few weeks ago, he drops it on me that he hadn't reattached since our initial "apart time" (which had spurred me on to learning all this stuff about him and us), and that when he figured it out and was trying all it made him do was want to avoid and distance himself from me and that at the moment he no longer wanted to try. I guess I thought that just meant he didn't want to try one facet of the whole thing, but that we were still together and decently ok. A few days later, he clarified that by "not trying" meant he didn't want to try in the relationship period. And then there was no point in me staying. I thought it was just a slow warm up thing, damage was done and it would take time to heal.

I hate that he could just throw this away. That when things got too hard, he was too lazy to bother working on it. That I wasn't worth enough to work this out. He gave up on me when he gave up on this relationship. I saw it as an "us," a "unit," everything I did was for both of us. Everything I felt, everything I thought about, everything. And I thought I'd at least have that in return with him. But instead, when I was hurting, that was when he was walking away mentally. It was no longer our fun and games relationship like when I first moved in because it was now REAL LIFE and he couldn't even bother to handle it.

He was so adamant on having me move in with him. So adamant that it was "the next level in the relationship." And he had us all fooled. We thought this was the next level, and then the next probably getting engaged or heading down that path. And instead, it was just a means to throw me out when I showed unfavorable qualities. I know I talked a lot about feeling bad and such, but it never stopped me from wanting to be in this relationship. I knew there are trials and tribulations, and this (and him) was important and worthy enough for me to stick it out and work on it. Even finding out about the attachment stuff wasn't a big enough deterrent. Nothing was ever too big for me to fight.

And I hate it that he didn't see that. And didn't see me as important like I did. He just gave up and didn't take any of that into consideration. All the time he thought I was just mopey and pathetic, I was thinking about us. I was working out through my head how I could talk to him about what had happened between us or what I felt had happened and do it effectively to fix up the situation. But instead this happened. It's like, I didn't even get a chance to tell my side of the story, especially of the things he attacked me on and didn't like.

And now he has the nerve to say all along that he cares and wants me in his life. He acts like we're some sort of "friends," but doesn't even treat me with consideration that a friend has. I've been staying at my parents' for most of this after this happened and the film festival I was working for finished, but the last time I had to go to the cities and stay there, he couldn't keep away from me. He couldn't keep his hands off me. We joked and laughed and somehow ended up fucking twice in one day.

That's partially me. I wanted to be a "friends with benefits" thing because, well, I like the benefits. And I'm in no place to go out with any new person, even for sex. I tried it right away and I felt like shit. I guess in some ways, I call this "weaning" myself off him, but in the end, I don't know if it'll do any good. I have become more confident in myself, and it tends to show, and I think that makes him all hot and bothered in some ways. I enjoy using it to my advantage, but at the end of the day, I know I can't stay friends in any way or stay in contact with him. He broke me and I hate him for it. I want to scream at him so much and tell him all the ways he hurt me and how pissed off I am because of it. But the fact that I have to go back to that apartment sometimes means I can't tell him off. That would be a terribly worse and awkward situation. It's not that I don't enjoy whatever happens if we happen to be in the same apartment, and I know it's done. I very well know he's done, but I have to put on this front that this is all ok.

And it's not. He plays mind games when he feels like it, sometimes texting me but then ignoring anything I might say back. Or liking a shit ton of my facebook posts or comment on them, but nothing else. Usually just when I've gotten over it. I'm still fighting so many things. And he's literally just gone back to life like he was always living like nothing happened. He has his little "trio" of new board game friends (that happen to be female), and he pretty much spends all his time with them. Especially if I'm at the apartment for a period of time. And I'm working on me. And I know I am LIGHT YEARS further on myself then he will ever be. I don't think he's capable of any serious emotions. I don't think he's even capable of showing them to himself. I think he's so detached from his emotions that he will never get better and be able to better himself for his future and someone else's. He didn't want help. He didn't think he needed it. But being that repressed? You need some fucking help, boy.

Let's Talk Insecurities

Why? Because why not really. Because I was left this entire day to myself and somehow I became a bit wonky. And it's strange because I feel slightly high.... But I have had no mind altering substance of any sort. Unless you count leftover sweet and sour chicken. Really good sweet and sour chicken.

I had to find some way to entertain myself, so I guess I just let myself get a little loopy. I had been bumming a bit a while ago about hating coming home and being in an empty apartment when it's supposed to be shared since well, it feels like another person should be there as opposed to living alone where you know you'll come home and be alone and it's ok but I guess I'm working on just getting over that at this point and enjoying it a bit. It turns out it is not the worst thing in the world to know that no one will be around until the wee hours of the morning so you can feel free to do whatever the hell you want. Two hour showers? Yes please. Naps? Sure why not. Play Diablo 3 all day? Go for it! "Forget" to eat? Well who's gonna call you out? Talk to yourself and start up your inner monologues again? Well it's about time!

So needless to say, this is what my day consisted of. I'm slowly working on getting over him always being gone weekends (so it seems). It is always a bit unfortunate because weekends are really when I want to indulge in being a couple, but free will is incredibly important to me and if he wants to play board games with the guys, he can play board games with the guys. Besides, I've forgotten how to be independent so I guess I need this time away. And also besides I will be leaving for a week. For my birthday. And if that isn't the biggest burn, then I don't know what is.

Yea, maybe he'd want to spend my birthday with me, but you know what? At this point, you don't deserve to. I'd rather be at home with my family enjoying my time where I feel most accepted. I just feel like in some ways he needs to be without me for some time. Think he forgets who I am, that I should be important. I'm always just here right now and well blah, ya know? So I need to be gone. On a "special" day to top it off. Then you'll know how it feels when something important happens and you don't get to be a part of it.

Or like tonight when I thought it might be nice to shave and make myself all smooth and clean and smelling good and put on a cute little neglige with cute lace panties *just in case* he came home at a decent hour and more or less just for me (no reason we can't feel good in these things for ourselves ladies), and instead ended up beating Diablo for about the 7th time I think at this point and was right in the middle of the battle when he came home at around 12:30. Didn't have much to say to him at this point and I was already kind of in loopy land enjoying myself and entertaining myself with my off hand comments to myself about Diablo (especially how he says "terROR" I love it), that I barely paid attention when he sat down beside me and eventually he just left and went to bed.

NOW YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS. NOW YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO NOT BE ACKNOWLEDGED LIKE YOU WISH. TO BE A LITTLE LEAD ON AND THEN SHOT DOWN. TO BE IGNORED BECAUSE THE PERSON WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE MOST IMPORTANT IN YOUR LIFE IS IGNORING YOU FOR SOMETHING AS TRIVIAL AS A FUCKING GAME. THERE. ENJOY IT BITCH.

Hm. This isn't so much about insecurities anymore is it? Or actually, I guess it kind of is.... Anyways, I only decided to write because I discovered I was wide awake when I went to bed and he wasn't really paying attention or caring I existed. And I was still discovering I felt kinda sorta wonky. Well, to be fair, I don't eat that much anymore. I'm not trying to starve myself actively like I have in the past, I just physically can't eat that much. And I suppose that has to do with all the light headedness which is probably what makes me feel wonky and high. It's not the worst thing in the world and as long as I don't do strenuous activity, hey, seems totally safe. Besides, I've gotten fat and I need to get some of that off. This is a little slow, but I'll get there. All right, well, I'm gonna try to go back to bed.

Turning Tables

Trick title. Though tables have turned, yes.

Finally for the first time in the almost 15 months of our relationship, I finally yelled at the guy and was assertive. I could no longer stand him not talking back when I tried to open up, even as pathetic it was an attempt. We saw things so fucking differently and that made it hard (as I'm sure I've repeatedly said), but when I've tried to say something and usually say that it's stupid or something on the end of it because I'm trying to cover my feelings up, he would always ignore and completely not acknowledge it, so I would feel even shittier and think that I was indeed right to hate having feelings. And finally, I just told him, "This is where you talk."

And then the small blow up happened where he said "You're just degrading yourself so I have nothing to say to that I don't respond to degrading people." And well, that felt good. But somehow, somewhere in there, an understanding and balance occurred. I don't try to degrade myself for the fun of it, but it's a defense mechanism. And he seems to always be upset (even though I couldn't tell) of my disregard for life. I don't constantly talk about it, but I believe that hey, if I wasn't alive, I wouldn't have life problems. It would be easy then. And big deal, we all know that right? But I guess that upsets him, and this was the first time he ever told me. He's said things that he doesn't "respond" to that kind of behavior and talk, but he would never elaborate or give me anything on how he felt, and last night was the first time I ever actually felt relief. I guess I talk a lot about things ending, because that's the only way I can believe I should see the world and my life and the relationship going, and that wears on him because he doesn't want to think the relationship is going to end. I never wanted it to, you know, but I was always scared that's how he felt and didn't care. But for once, he finally told me.

See, that's all I've wanted, all I've needed for a year. I love you isn't so important, it's just three words, but not hearing anything from his inner self had been the death of me and I thought those words would fix that. No, there are many other words that would fix it more. And I hope this understanding can keep up. I hope I can keep feeling this. Because I've been in so much pain for so long. And I just want to feel good and secure again. To smile freely when I look at him and randomly start dancing with him in the kitchen to The Christmas Waltz and kiss him when I want and laugh and poke at him and have it reciprocated. Those are the good times. They used to happen (off and on more or less if I kept out of my headspace). But I want them more again. I want consistency. I want function. I get I have to yell a bit and be more assertive when I feel like shit. He doesn't know. And I've always known he doesn't know but for some reason I've always wanted to believe he would magically figure it out. And that's stupid and even I know that.

So, here's to turning tables eh? Let's try it.

Start Reflecting

Ok so.... May have had a major panic attack yesterday... Whoops.

Things just got so overwhelming ya know? Feeling the amount of insecurity and pain and seeing all his actions like they're just ignoring me and he doesn't care just tipped me over the edge I guess. I was exactly right about how the morning would go, he woke up, left, I was awake and knew but ignored, he played on his computer, finished work, entertained himself, no checking in on me. And an hour or two later I heard the shower and pretty much just lost it. There was something symbolic about just getting ready to leave without acknowledging this person you're supposed to be in a relationship with that triggered my body into something I've never experienced and couldn't control. All I could do was quickly text a friend about having it, bury myself under the blankets, and try not to pass out from hyperventilating.

He came in the room and I was somehow able to keep as quiet as I could, and I could feel him sit on the bed to put clothes on and then get ready to leave. And then that was the second time I lost it. And finally he fucking figured it out. There was a lot of gibberish and sobbing and hyperventilating as he finally put his arms around me after like a week. I didn't know what to do with that contact and I almost didn't want it. It would be easier if he ignored me so my theory would continue to be true, but that didn't happen. And finally, it was out. "Why do you bother talking about doing things with me in the future when it's just a hollow relationship? What if we're living in a hollow relationship that means nothing? I'm too emotional for you. What if we're not supposed to be together? I mean, we don't even say I love you. I'm scared. I've been scared for a long time. My heart hurts!"

There was no love response. I could see concern in his eyes. I could see him triggered when I said we don't say I love you. He had a visceral reaction, probably because it was unexpected. He constantly tells me to talk about how I feel but never does the same for me. His voice changed, it was more serious, more real. So serious, I had to believe when he said he cared for me deeply. He did his typical explanation of not being connected with his emotions well, the thing that kills me most, and said when I start feeling this way or any way, that I just need to yell at him, be forceful, get it through to him, that he can work with things better that way as opposed to depression panic attacks. That he talks about doing things in the future with me and a future because he wants that. And I guess that was the best way to say this relationship is supposed to be ok and real.

Then my friend suddenly showed up since I hadn't replied to any of her texts and proceeded to take me away from him and we ordered takeout and played Diablo 3. He left anyway because it's that fucking monthly board game weekend so I guess it was good someone was around me. And I did feel better after that. It seemed the air had been cleared and everything, and everything felt kind of in a positive light and when I took her home we discussed the symbolism of these three damn words that I'm so hung up on, and it isn't because I want to hear them. I want the emotion behind it. The true, raw, sincere, meaningful emotion that is supposed to be in those words. And just getting him to say it to say it wouldn't have made anything better. So there is hope, I guess. She gave me a funny scenario that it's gonna be one of our most unexpected and quirky moments when we're in the middle of the hardest level of inferno mode and we'll have just killed Diablo and it will just happen. We'll give each other a look and be like "k" and proceed to play the game again. That is us, we're weird and quirky and anything but conventional I'd like to think.

I'm still really subdued though today. And I'm getting worried I won't be able to talk to him anymore. Just daily conversation and showing normal daily emotions is suddenly hard around him. This was a set back for me, mentally and emotionally (and physically a little), and there are going to be repercussions unfortunately. It also didn't help I tried to start some fun play in bed and he just kinda shot it down. I mean, honestly, no one is that oblivious that when someone puts a hand down his pants he thinks that means nothing? Sigh. Could've used it. Could've helped me. And instead I got "I'm hungry. Are you hungry? Let's get food." To which I finally replied by getting up, throwing on a robe and heading to the kitchen. He tried to do things like grab my butt and stuff but by that point it's like what the fuck is wrong with you? You missed your fucking chance. It was staring you in the face with it's fucking hand down your pants and now you think maybe you'll try something? No, that's not how this works! So I had to ignore him a bit just to try to keep my mind at bay and then well, he was gone again for more board games.

It turns out I probably shouldn't have had a day alone. I've gotten increasingly miserable replaying this morning and yesterday out in my head, I've gone back to believing he just doesn't care, I'm afraid that I won't be able to be around or say or do anything that even slightly references the word love. No more lovey dovey songs that I like or movies like What Dreams May Come, now we have to hiss and spew and avoid the word and only horror movies, terror, evil, coldness, angsty dark, deceit, betrayal, and pain may be consumed. Well, my music history is much more extensive in that area anyway. It's only 8pm and I don't want to do anything with my life. I hate the feeling that I'm just trying to wait up for him because I miss him when I very well know it'll be probably 11 before he gets home. It somewhat kills me he didn't think to skip out early a bit just to spend time with your emotionally sensitive girlfriend and that somehow he thinks things are all completely hunky dory again. No, this is a process. The main part was yesterday, but there are still residual emotions, I'm weak and I still need someone there for me until this process finishes. It's only just begun. There are other thoughts and other concerns and other pain and it's still important to have someone there for reassurance. And I was just left alone.

But, early on I said I would never be the girlfriend that would tell him what he can and cannot do, where he can go, how long he can be there, etc, and I'm still standing by that. Board games are a big passion of his (and not the worst hobby in the world), and he's gotten to know a whole bunch of people now through it since he found these marathons, so enjoy. It'd be pretty selfish to tell him he shouldn't go because me. So instead I'll go to bed. Why not? I won't be able to sleep anyway cuz I so desperately want him to be here, but I guess I'll have to try.

And you let her go.

And You Let Her Go

AUUUUGH I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. I AM SO TIRED OF NOT BEING ABLE TO SLEEP BECAUSE HE COMES TO BED. I AM SO TIRED OF FEELING REPLACED OR OUTED BY A FUCKING CELL PHONE. I AM SO TIRED OF NOT BEING ABLE TO VERBALIZE THIS. I AM SO TIRED OF HIM JUST TURNING OVER AND BEING DONE WITH IT. CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT? I AM NOT DONE. I AM NOT DONE WITH THE NIGHT AND I KIND OF NEED YOU BUT WHATEVER RIGHT? YEA, WHATEVER.

So there's that song by Passenger that's all over the place now, "Let Her Go," and at first I didn't pay much attention to it cause, I dunno, I guess I didn't really care. And every once in a while my boyfriend would play it since he has the CD but likes most of the other songs better. But then the other day when I was at my lowest little point (the day after my miserable night on here), it finally popped up on my Pandora and I realized well fuck, this is my theme song. This is what I'm terrified of. And this is the truth.

I don't think he would ever say he loves me now. I don't think he even does. And I don't think he would ever know he loves me until I'm gone. And even then, hey, who knows if that would even happen? But isn't that terrifying? "Only know you love her when you let her go." It's horrifying. It's been 14 months. If it's not there by now, it will never be there. And I don't know what the fuck to do.

My mom tells me to stay because it's a good relationship for most other things: He is respectful and treats me well, kind, so far honest and trustworthy to my knowledge, and (according to so many fucking people) cares about me. But at what point does this become a dead end? At what point do I need to assess what the fuck is actually going on? I can feel so good when we're in the moment and feel like we'll be forever, planning our future out together, where we could move, what jobs we could have, what size dog we'd like, but then it can just drop to rock bottom when the realization comes back that there isn't a solid commitment there. I don't need to be married, I don't think. Not yet, no. But for some reason, those three words would cement things a bit more for me. The problem is, anyone can care for another person and respect them, etc. Roommates do that and are that. And I still feel like a roommate a lot of the time because of this. Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly grateful and thankful that he's this good guy that he is, because he really is... But I'm incredibly emotionally wired and I just don't think he is.

And yea, I know they say guys don't do emotions like girls, and that's probably true, but I think if anyone regardless of gender feels something strongly, it will eventually be said. There are enough men married out there for me to think that at some point they used their emotions to get them there. It seems he's holed up a lot of emotional past that I don't know how to get out of him or what to do with and I'm worried that love just isn't something that will ever be a part of him. I'm afraid that if I bring it up he'll feel betrayed somehow, because he speaks with actions a lot and I don't want to look like I'm not grateful for those things. I am deeply. It's something I didn't expect in a relationship, especially a first one. And I appreciate those things so fucking much and it surprises me and makes me happy every time, but I'm really getting to a point where I need a verbal confirmation because that's how I'm wired. At this point.... I guess I just can't explain it past that.

Definitely getting sick again. I was sick the day after this first horrid fiasco, and it was resolved enough when he figured out how it was upsetting the way he acted that night, so then yesterday should have been better, but instead I was even sicker. Couldn't keep food in me and had a killer migraine that wouldn't go away. While I felt better about us, my body clearly didn't. We had fallen asleep curled in each other and I could actually sleep and then when he got home from work yesterday I was able to entice him with wearing his shirt and everything was good. Except for feeling sick. Woke up today and I wasn't sick at all, could eat, no migraine problems, and cheery. But by the time night hit, and I went to bed, I see that just didn't stick. Sometimes..... For some odd reason, just sometimes this happens and I never feel better. I get too scared to say I need you to hold me or hug me or cuddle me. Usually because my attempts in the past have failed with me getting annoyed looks and noises.

And now all I do is skulk around the apartment, slicing my skin up with my nails and punching myself just to get this aggravation and pain out and I'm so sick of it. And I'm so sick of not getting sleep. I guess yay it's a weekend now, but still, I don't like sleeping til noon or past because I couldn't go to bed at a decent hour. I'm not happy then. And I'm not happy the next day.

And I know exactly how tomorrow will go. I'll wake up first but not really move. Then he'll wake up, grab his phone, check facebook, play a few games, get up and walk out to the computer. Here he'll do more facebook, maybe a game, catch up on all those boredpanda or whatever sites, do his internet work (which is legit and understandable and I can deal with that), throw some clothes on, and then head out the door to go play board games for the rest of the day. And somewhere in there I'll be trying to not slice my skin up or cry, taking a long hot shower blasting my Angsty Anger playlist on Pandora, grab my computer and pretend absolutely nothing is wrong while I'm writhing in pain. Or maybe I won't be able to sit still and I'll try to pretend I'm cleaning the bedroom or bathroom. While still blaring Angsty Anger. And then he'll leave and I'll cry and punch the shit out of myself.

I just remembered, I took four zzquil pills. I think they're kicking in. Slowly but I'm feeling it. Damn, I need to start doping myself up again on things. I miss this feeling.


Only know you love her when you let her go.... 
And you let her go.

Baby's First Road Trip

And by baby I mean me. And maybe not technically my first road trip, but definitely my longest and most challenging... And my first one with him.

Driving from Minnesota to Virginia in winter is not a smart idea, mind you. Also, mind you, I knew this being I am the native Midwesterner, yet for some reason willingly agreed to go into this. And well, once we were in Ohio and out east, things were fine. But all the other times I pretty much wanted to kill myself. Driving in blizzards, ice storms, and sub zero temperatures just isn't on my list of things that keep me calm and I'm still reeling a bit from the stress of last night's final ascent back to Minneapolis.

Things just feel like shit to be honest. We got in at around midnight, and he had to work the next day at 7:30 in the morning so straight to bed. I knew there was gonna be a problem because how do you wind down from a week long excursion with someone when you live with them? Clearly you need your own space, and well, now I'm wishing I would have just had him drop me off at my parents' when we were driving through yesterday. I knew he was gonna be tired when he got back from work, and even when he called me after to ask if I wanted pizza I could tell he wasn't himself and well, I don't know how to deal with that. He comes home, seems very offish, so I keep my distance and feel like I shouldn't be here. He goes to bed at 6 and here I am alone. I figured I'd play a bit of Diablo and then go to bed, but then he woke up at some point and came in and I still didn't know how to act around him. Needless to say, nothing got better as I got more anxious and sick and he wandered off minding his own business.

And now it's past 1am and I'm wide awake because I feel so terrible. It's like.... when I go to bed before him and am out cold by the time he comes in, things are fine. But when I'm still awake and he comes in and turns on the tv and whips out his phone to play games for the next hour, I feel so.... unwanted and useless. Usually if I'm in a good headspace I'll lean on him or something, but today I felt so out of it, so hypersensitive to the idea that we need to be separate that it fucked with the rest of my sanity and rationality of the relationship. This is not uncommon might I add. This is definitely the biggest reason I don't sleep and definitely the biggest hurdle that keeps me from giving in fully to this relationship. I want to say I love you and believe it, but times like this make me question myself and question us. It hurts when I really need him to be there for me or to say something and acknowledge me so I can tell what's going on but instead he just preoccupies himself with his fucking games. He keeps telling me he needs something to do with his hands and to calm his mind down, and like I said, I can usually handle it and for the most part have gotten used to it, but dammit, sometimes I really need you to not do that. Sometimes I really just need you. I become agitated the longer he's awake, which can easily go for an hour or so, and in that agitated time, my mind goes to every bad thought I can possibly imagine.

"I don't belong here. I should have gone home. I'll just go home tomorrow until Saturday maybe. Get out of his hair. I can feel him moving. Why isn't he asleep yet? I keep picking my fingers, I can't stop, does he notice? Why am I still laying here? Just close your eyes. Maybe if I stay long enough he'll finish and turn over and put his arm around me. No, he won't. He doesn't get it when I'm like this. He's too oblivious to know anything's wrong. Instead he'll just turn over the opposite direction and I'll feel even shittier. Why doesn't he understand body language? I hate it when he turns away from me, even when I'm in an ok mood. We don't have to cuddle our hearts out, but I just want to be acknowledged. More than anything, I just want to be held so I can fall asleep. Why doesn't he touch my face? Why do we live together? Why do we bother talking about moving out east to a cute little historic Virginian town and live in an apartment over a candy shop or something? It makes me feel a part of someone when we talk that way, and sometimes I believe it could happen. But I'm not real. This is a hollow relationship we live in. And as long as there is no love in the picture, this will continue to be hollow. I hate that he always complains that I don't talk. Because he doesn't say shit. And he's so oblivious. I could be murdering someone in the other room and stuff them in the closet, and he wouldn't notice anything until a week later when he thinks there's a weird smell. I don't want to have another emotional moment with him, that's all we ever have when I get this way, but all this shit just builds inside me because I don't know how to act. Once I feel this way, the way we are goes out the window. He'll always tell me he cares for me blah blah when I get this way, but why do I feel alone still? I can't be here. He's still awake and I just can't know what happens when he decides to go to sleep. It won't be in my favor. I need to plug in my computer anyway."

I guess I can sleep on the couch.