Well, I don't know about you, but I think I maybe should've never tried to be in a relationship. The funny thing is, I think I could handle a committed relationship with an other half and companion who I know equally shares how I feel about them as how they feel about me. I think I would be really good in that kind of relationship. I think I could flourish and blossom and my self-hate and self-destruction and bad way of life could be turned around and I'd be a really awesome person. I'm that kind of person and in that kind of place ya know?
But alas, this is not the case. Hah, just celebrated a 6 month anniversary and all I can come out of it was a drunk bender that I went on by myself that turned into a mental breakdown. Seriously, it was something out of Skins. I somehow was 2 seasons worth of Effy in one day. I'm not proud....
As a person, he's a good guy. He's decent enough, funny enough, cute enough, fun enough, got a few interests in common with me, all good. But I don't necessarily feel like I'm in that relationship where you are considering the other person every day. You genuinely want to talk to them or miss them or think about them and you're not afraid to show it because you really want the other person to know of that care and consideration. Until I broke down, I never once heard him saying anything about caring about me or even that he considers me with anything in life and it's really hard for me to continue in a relationship where I don't hear anything.
You know, there is so much in me that wants to love and be loved. I desperately want to know what it feels like to be in a loving relationship with a significant other equal and I have so much love to give. I'm so passionate and fiery and I will show you my love and care with hand holds, face caresses, soft kisses, deep hugs where I let my lips rest on your neck, but what I get in return feels cold. I'm scared that all we really are are fuck buddies who are being exclusive activity partners. We get along well enough to be friends and like to do things together and well, sex is just sex, but so often that seems to be the only "relationship" notion there is. I've never been in a real relationship before, but I have a feeling this isn't it. And that sucks.
I suppose there is something to be said for starting out as friends and gradually getting to know each other before you just go and hop in the sack. With that, it almost seems as if you SHOULD be dating, but that is so often not the case anymore. So why hold onto this hollow fleeting notion that we are actually something special and meant for each other? If you can't once even hint to the idea that I mean something more and real to you, then what is the point of staying in this exclusive relationship? I want this deeper connection, a more meaningful one, and I try to exemplify it by telling him I miss him when I'm gone for a weekend, trying to find time in a busy schedule to see him, get ingredients for dinner to make for us, try to have something fun planned, but it's never really translated. Therefore I've pretty much stopped doing all of that. And I'm away right now at my parents' and I've been here since Wednesday missing him deeply but getting seldom responses when I try to connect with him (I promise I'm not doing the crazy girlfriend thing texting every 5 minutes "where are you" "why do you hate me" "what did i do" "who's the girl" etc etc) and it makes me see this "relationship" we have is only a friendship. He regards me as a friend and therefore I am not the highest priority in his daily life. While I regard him as more, but I suppose that's how all girlfriends are.
I'm so scared of the notion that all men look at girlfriends as annoying emotional balls who say I love you too soon and expect ridiculous things like consideration and respect from them when they don't give a damn. I'm beginning to think that no relationship has love attached until *maybe* they get engaged. Maybe then the guy gets it. But, hah, saying you have a girlfriend? It doesn't mean anything past you've got a constant shag. You don't love her. You like her. You like doing things with her and you like doing her. You're not deeper than that. And your girlfriend? She's always felt empty and just needed that other person to be there, to be a constant, someone who isn't a relative but who she can be just as comfortable with around. So she falls first, and she falls harder, and she just has this love that she's ready to give. And all men can be are scared of it, loathe it, run from it, ignore it, ridicule it, and they break the girls in half.
I was really missing him and was willing to change my schedule a bit so I could get back there and spend some time with him Sunday, but after this, what's the point? I have nothing else to say to him now, and there is no way in hell I'll ever admit my feelings now, even just the missing him and wanting to see him feelings. This is painful you know. Painful to feel unwanted and unloved and just as painful to not be able to admit feelings to a person.
I think the funniest thing is that my dad never could understand the phrase "the relationship wasn't going anywhere" when he heard it until I got a boyfriend. Now he understands it all too clearly. What's that called? Irony?
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Refresh!
Uh....huh. Hah. Well. This was a.... long hiatus. Almost made it a year. Well fuck.
Hah anyways there is absolutely no way I can even begin to try to summarize this almost year that has passed. Like, seriously, no. But highlights! We'll try highlights!
(Although my highlights tend to turn into essays but I digress really)
So where I left off, I was miserable with my roommate. Well, I continued to be miserable with her. We had drifted apart and all our beliefs that once seemed so similar couldn't be as distant from each other as the two coasts. Maybe from that I took in a rebellious streak, or really just acting out morally and ethically or whatever. Which really only meant I was acting hedonistic compared to the roommate who kept telling me she was convinced I was doing wrong things and had a wrong view on God and blah blah blah. Personally, I never lost faith in Him whatsoever. I never lost faith in the idea that I was on this path that he put me on and everything was happening for a reason. My faith alone could get me through. And she was trying to act on works, which is always the one thing they say doesn't work and it was just so hypocritical.
I got my first job on a feature film. It's called Death to Prom and I can at least give you that and tell you to look it up since I believe it was just recently completed. I was only a PA and came on last minute, but it turned out I knew the line producer and production coordinator and it wasn't long before they had bumped me up to Key PA which essentially just meant that I was kinda the PA the other PAs came to when something was up. And I got a few extra duties cuz I was fucking good at my job and it was nice. Hot. It was June and it was hot and miserable sometimes. And yea, I had a huge epic breakdown one day, but it was bound to happen. It was just getting stress out for the most part. It's a change on your body when you start working 12+ hour days and you don't get home until 6am sometimes. (And you almost get stuck in a flash flood in the middle of a highway at 5am but once again, digressing...)
I don't exactly remember what happened in July, so we'll skip that. August came around and by crazy happenstance, I was able to put some of my fx makeup skills to the test for a short film that was ironically filming near my hometown. And that still makes me laugh since I moved to Minneapolis to get NEAR the film scene and then I went back home to work on one. Not as long hours, but miserable with the heat. And it was dirty, which really made it fun. I pretty much spent weeks slathering vaseline and dirt and mud and whatever else I could find on people and rip up their clothes. Later on, I did get to make a few wounds. Tho my favorite part was covering the actress in pale makeup and creating cracks and bruises and such like she had been running in the woods for weeks. Such awesome makeup.
Also, end of August came something I never in a million years expected. I...for lack of a better term... met someone. Like a human being. Like a human male. That stayed in my life.
Lol, I'm so smooth talking about it. Hah, I'm still trying to get used to it to be honest. And in a lot of ways, it's not all what I expected. I knew there was work, I just didn't know how exactly my psyche and body would work in relation. To be honest, the physical stuff was not a problem at all. That's how it all started, surprise surprise with me. A somewhat chance encounter due to a mutual friend on a night where I was particularly low. In fact, she barged in with him around 9 one night, right around the time I decided to go on my nyquil and vodka bender again.
Oh, hah, that might not be something you know. Yea, no, I started playing nyquil+alcohol nights. And just generally sneaking swigs of captain or vodka or whatever I could get my hands on when I had to be social with the roommate and well, that was the path I was on. All I wanted to do was escape, and that's all I would try to do.
Ok, back to the boy. It was a chance encounter, and I ended up out for drinks with nyquil in my system which didn't exactly make me the life of the party. But once a topic of interest (Doctor Who) came up, that changed. And well, that was a short and sweet night. On a whim, the next night they ended up back over since I was having a take out/drinks/Silent Hill gaming night with a friend to begin with. Well, give me alcohol and I become quite the little playful minx and it didn't take long to cozy up a bit with him. I never expected anything to go anywhere, and I had remembered his original history with my friend which hadn't exactly been exclusive or anything...long term? So I figured hey, this would be fun. Maybe get a little action, feel a little wanted, desired, let the guy do what guys do best. And it worked. He was forward, touched me, was flattering in ways I wasn't used to, and made the first move kissing me. And it was a nice night, minus the insane humidity and two bodies trying to share a couch. The next day we all planned to go to the Mall of America anyway, and somehow by the end, both girl friends abandoned us to ourselves to play in the theme park. And this is really corny and lame and girly and gross and stupid and something I would never admit to saying, but at night in that theme park, it kind of felt magical. And like a date. Which way later was pointed out to me by many people that that is indeed what it was. I had been scheming that whole day and packed an overnight bag that I didn't really tell anyone about. The roommate was having a dinner party with the boyfriend's family, and I was not planning on walking back into that, and I figured I'd find somewhere to crash. Which ended up being his hotel room. It didn't suck. But he lived in Virginia and that was his last night. All of this added up into my head as being a lovely string of hook ups but that was that.
Not exactly. He pursued me, asked for my number first, texted me first, remembered when I was at work, and soon we were talking every day. I believe our first text conversation lasted 6 hours. I guess it became more and more clear that this could be something, and while I welcomed it, I wasn't sure what to be feeling. But September was big, and we skyped every night and even got in the habit of taking our computers to bed and falling asleep on skype. By October, he had decided to move up here, so I flew down for a weekend and drove back with him. And that was a great weekend.
Also, October I had enough with the roommate and somehow managed to score my own apartment near downtown and now here I am. And seriously, I'm leaving it at this cuz this is too long. I need to get back into writing daily, so hopefully this is not the last post of this year. Anyways.
Hah anyways there is absolutely no way I can even begin to try to summarize this almost year that has passed. Like, seriously, no. But highlights! We'll try highlights!
(Although my highlights tend to turn into essays but I digress really)
So where I left off, I was miserable with my roommate. Well, I continued to be miserable with her. We had drifted apart and all our beliefs that once seemed so similar couldn't be as distant from each other as the two coasts. Maybe from that I took in a rebellious streak, or really just acting out morally and ethically or whatever. Which really only meant I was acting hedonistic compared to the roommate who kept telling me she was convinced I was doing wrong things and had a wrong view on God and blah blah blah. Personally, I never lost faith in Him whatsoever. I never lost faith in the idea that I was on this path that he put me on and everything was happening for a reason. My faith alone could get me through. And she was trying to act on works, which is always the one thing they say doesn't work and it was just so hypocritical.
I got my first job on a feature film. It's called Death to Prom and I can at least give you that and tell you to look it up since I believe it was just recently completed. I was only a PA and came on last minute, but it turned out I knew the line producer and production coordinator and it wasn't long before they had bumped me up to Key PA which essentially just meant that I was kinda the PA the other PAs came to when something was up. And I got a few extra duties cuz I was fucking good at my job and it was nice. Hot. It was June and it was hot and miserable sometimes. And yea, I had a huge epic breakdown one day, but it was bound to happen. It was just getting stress out for the most part. It's a change on your body when you start working 12+ hour days and you don't get home until 6am sometimes. (And you almost get stuck in a flash flood in the middle of a highway at 5am but once again, digressing...)
I don't exactly remember what happened in July, so we'll skip that. August came around and by crazy happenstance, I was able to put some of my fx makeup skills to the test for a short film that was ironically filming near my hometown. And that still makes me laugh since I moved to Minneapolis to get NEAR the film scene and then I went back home to work on one. Not as long hours, but miserable with the heat. And it was dirty, which really made it fun. I pretty much spent weeks slathering vaseline and dirt and mud and whatever else I could find on people and rip up their clothes. Later on, I did get to make a few wounds. Tho my favorite part was covering the actress in pale makeup and creating cracks and bruises and such like she had been running in the woods for weeks. Such awesome makeup.
Also, end of August came something I never in a million years expected. I...for lack of a better term... met someone. Like a human being. Like a human male. That stayed in my life.
Lol, I'm so smooth talking about it. Hah, I'm still trying to get used to it to be honest. And in a lot of ways, it's not all what I expected. I knew there was work, I just didn't know how exactly my psyche and body would work in relation. To be honest, the physical stuff was not a problem at all. That's how it all started, surprise surprise with me. A somewhat chance encounter due to a mutual friend on a night where I was particularly low. In fact, she barged in with him around 9 one night, right around the time I decided to go on my nyquil and vodka bender again.
Oh, hah, that might not be something you know. Yea, no, I started playing nyquil+alcohol nights. And just generally sneaking swigs of captain or vodka or whatever I could get my hands on when I had to be social with the roommate and well, that was the path I was on. All I wanted to do was escape, and that's all I would try to do.
Ok, back to the boy. It was a chance encounter, and I ended up out for drinks with nyquil in my system which didn't exactly make me the life of the party. But once a topic of interest (Doctor Who) came up, that changed. And well, that was a short and sweet night. On a whim, the next night they ended up back over since I was having a take out/drinks/Silent Hill gaming night with a friend to begin with. Well, give me alcohol and I become quite the little playful minx and it didn't take long to cozy up a bit with him. I never expected anything to go anywhere, and I had remembered his original history with my friend which hadn't exactly been exclusive or anything...long term? So I figured hey, this would be fun. Maybe get a little action, feel a little wanted, desired, let the guy do what guys do best. And it worked. He was forward, touched me, was flattering in ways I wasn't used to, and made the first move kissing me. And it was a nice night, minus the insane humidity and two bodies trying to share a couch. The next day we all planned to go to the Mall of America anyway, and somehow by the end, both girl friends abandoned us to ourselves to play in the theme park. And this is really corny and lame and girly and gross and stupid and something I would never admit to saying, but at night in that theme park, it kind of felt magical. And like a date. Which way later was pointed out to me by many people that that is indeed what it was. I had been scheming that whole day and packed an overnight bag that I didn't really tell anyone about. The roommate was having a dinner party with the boyfriend's family, and I was not planning on walking back into that, and I figured I'd find somewhere to crash. Which ended up being his hotel room. It didn't suck. But he lived in Virginia and that was his last night. All of this added up into my head as being a lovely string of hook ups but that was that.
Not exactly. He pursued me, asked for my number first, texted me first, remembered when I was at work, and soon we were talking every day. I believe our first text conversation lasted 6 hours. I guess it became more and more clear that this could be something, and while I welcomed it, I wasn't sure what to be feeling. But September was big, and we skyped every night and even got in the habit of taking our computers to bed and falling asleep on skype. By October, he had decided to move up here, so I flew down for a weekend and drove back with him. And that was a great weekend.
Also, October I had enough with the roommate and somehow managed to score my own apartment near downtown and now here I am. And seriously, I'm leaving it at this cuz this is too long. I need to get back into writing daily, so hopefully this is not the last post of this year. Anyways.
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