I Love You

Well. Look what I've gotten myself into now.

Also, so much for blogging more often. Story of my life.

Anyways, I've managed to stay in this relationship. Been 14 months now. Woo! Yea, no, things got better from that last entry. But I mean, on here, my most commonly used phrase is "things got better." Not that I'm lying. That just seems to be the pattern. And possibly maybe they'll get worse, since that is the usual follow up from the former. I digress though.

We've made enough progress that I agreed to move in to his apartment when my lease came up in November. I had started staying overnight a few times a week for a bit before then leading up to it, so I guess it wasn't too much of a surprise. Though it was interesting and slightly funny; I had thought about the notion for a little bit when I was getting closer to moving out, but I knew there was no way in hell I was ever going to say something. I'm still playing that card I guess, being afraid of being the too needy clingy committed girlfriend. However, the most interesting and slightly funny part was that he suggested it instead. There was really not much pretense there, I wasn't going to say anything and was content on an apartment search and was, well, quite frankly, oblivious to the idea that he even cared that much. Once again, up to that point, I had heard NOTHING on his end about how he actually felt for me. And I was petrified I was going to end up that girl who really loves this boyfriend she's living with, and he's just in it cuz it's convenient for him but doesn't have any feelings past that. That's a horribly scary feeling you know. We had been together for almost a year at that point, and I wasn't even sure what his long term intentions were. The few "serious" talks we had often led to him talking about how in all the relationships he was in, he had known from the start they weren't going to work or for him, yet he stayed in them for like two years. I was more than terrified that I would get to that two years and mean nothing. And all along, he would have known that.

Sidenote: I'm still pretty scared of that. It's been soothed a decent amount, but it's still there. We'll hit that again.

The funny thing is that when I started taking him along to look at potential apartment options, every time he would actually speak candidly about the relationship and be a little more open. Unfortunately, I had (and still have) a problem being clear and verbal about how I felt with our situation. My mind just gets blocked and I can't spit anything out. But I wanted to know that at least down the road, providing there wasn't something serious that would end it, he was planning to stick with me and have me in his life. I had no intention of leaving, and I needed to know he felt the same.

Now, it's easy to see that my perception of myself and what relationships are clouded my mind a decent amount in this whole relationship, but it seemed dangerous that we didn't even acknowledge a future with each other when this notion came up. Which was another talk. And where my perception and defense mechanisms did nothing in my favor. There was no mention of futures or love or marriages because I hissed and fanged at it, made fun of it, mocked it, and generally hated it. Well yes, we know this, that's practically what this blog was founded off of. But he's a guy, and apparently was too oblivious to understand I did this because I wanted it and didn't think I could ever obtain it. So he wasn't going to say anything. It's like, a huge wound that to this day is still healing I think. And it's funny, cuz that hurts so much feeling like I can't obtain it. It's like double wounds but now for all different reasons.

And he never opened up much about himself or his past or even past relationships, girlfriends, family, or otherwise. And without opening up, why would I live with the person? How could I say I knew him? And again, each time after we were done looking at apartments, he would. I spent at least a month analyzing and debating what I wanted to do in this situation. As the girl, I always wanted to spend time with him and be around him, but I'm not a big fan of "convenient commitment," which is how I categorize most shacking up situations. It's commitment, kind of, for as long as it's convenient for the person. Then you're done and you move on to the next convenient commitment. Without anything more like that paper or ring, you can freely and easily do this for as long as you want. And that makes it hard to trust the relationship.

I guess in the end, I wanted to try it. I never believed I'd be in a relationship, let alone one approaching a year with a person who wanted to share his home with me. That just wasn't going to happen. I figured it may be the only chance I'll ever have, and I liked the guy, and he was such a better person than I ever thought I'd get or deserved to begin with. I felt safe, to say the least, and I guess that was half the battle. He honestly saw the next step in relationships as living together and well, that's what this society tells us and goes by, so I guess I had to follow it. I did get worried if I said no he'd break up with me since we wouldn't be able to "escalate" the relationship and try something new. But in the end, it was ultimately my choice and my curiosity and well, my rebellious nature that gave me my decision. Also, cheaper rent.

Since we've lived together, things haven't been too tough. We often have a natural way of getting along with each other, and when we go out and do things, we get along even easier. It helps we share the same childishness and love of theme parks and water parks and halloween and haunted things, so when the year anniversary came around, we spent the weekend hitting up as many haunted places in the cities we could get to. And he has gotten better with giving me compliments and telling me how he feels. He's an action kind of person (seriously, that's his love language), and I can see it in how he regards me and remembers things. 

It's not all perfect, obviously. I battle with sometimes feeling aced out, especially by his cell phone. I think I prefer to show my feelings by being more physical (not the sex thing), and I often wish he'd just play with my hair or my skin and just idly run his fingers all over me. I do it all the time to him, and touch his face a lot, and he never does any of it to me. Maybe I just have to speak up with that. And I've had a few breakdowns and times when I really felt like he didn't care, and quite often it's from a perception that I wanted to spend a little more "one-on-one" time (or what I defined it to be), and he didn't see it so didn't do it. Or I wanted a romp in the sack, and nothing I did seemed to convince him to come with me.

Ah, sex is a bit of the sore spot. I'm either a nymphomaniac or hornball whore, or he has considerably low testosterone. Guess we don't see eye to eye on how often things should happen or on what we define sex as. I see it as a huge release of the stress and tension of the day, and can take it... Well, a lot, we'll just say that. And sometimes I feel he sees it as work. It's not a reliever for him. Well, sort of, but it's physical work to relieve something, and that can just be too much work. And I can feel neglected and even ugly and often wonder why he doesn't just play with my body and stick his hands down my pants to make me feel good when I tend to do that a decent amount to him. I wonder why I'm the only one that gives head and I wonder what that says about my body. It's more of the insecurity than frequency problem I think. It makes me incredibly insecure.

But, we're even working on that. And slowly I'll get better at vocalizing what I liked him doing and reinforce him when he makes the first moves and we'll be fine. First relationship for this girl, remember, and this kind of communication stuff is going to take a bit for me.

And the last stop on my now bitch festing blog, the thing that easily is wearing on me the most but that I try to put out of my mind: It's been over a year and I live with the guy, but we haven't said I love you once. Not even in accidental passing or accidental almost. No almost slips, no signs that the notion is even there. This was one fear I had before moving in that is being realized. I thought it strange to live with someone when you haven't even said I love you. Shouldn't you love the person you're living with? I got a lot of feedback from people about this, family, friends, married, not, and the general consensus was "love will come, don't ruin a good thing." But now, I know how emotionally attached and connected we are with each other, and I feel we are companions, I've been told by people that they can see he loves me and that I should marry the guy, and even my dad says he can see how much this guy cares for me, so why has it not been said? I'm deathly afraid, I can't do it, I can't seal my coffin with that last nail. Yes, it's been hard to know what love is, especially for me in this new territory, but I have no doubt he's said it before to other girls and probably meant it. I'm scared I'm just not it. You can have all these feelings for another person, care, loyalty, respect, trust, but this other person can just be a roommate, a really good friend. What if I'm a roommate and that's it? I've battled with myself a lot about if I was in love or not, and yea, it's hard for me to figure out or understand. I've gone from not really caring to I think loving the idea of being in love but not loving him, to what I think is quite genuine love. I know how my body feels and acts and reacts around him or apart, in private, in public. I can feel from how he acts and reacts around me in these settings too. And I know I was going to be careful and not just feel and fall in the infatuation puppy love state (tho ironically that never really happened), but at this point, I don't think this is that. And it does desperately wear on my mind, and I can usually keep it out and at bay, but every so often it rears its ugly head and I don't know what to do or where to go with it. What do I do now? Say it? Fuck no, I mean, isn't that what guys are afraid of? But he doesn't act like most guys and he's been hurt... But at some point, if you felt something, wouldn't you just have to say it? He suggested the moving in thing first after all.... But I don't want this to just be a passing statement. It should mean something. And maybe I'll never know. I figure I'll make it to a year and a half and finally ask where this is actually going. Dating ends two ways: Break up or get married. Getting married implies you love the person. I'm still afraid that after two years I'll have turned out to be nothing, and the way it often feels, this may be the case.

Overrated

Well, I don't know about you, but I think I maybe should've never tried to be in a relationship. The funny thing is, I think I could handle a committed relationship with an other half and companion who I know equally shares how I feel about them as how they feel about me. I think I would be really good in that kind of relationship. I think I could flourish and blossom and my self-hate and self-destruction and bad way of life could be turned around and I'd be a really awesome person. I'm that kind of person and in that kind of place ya know?

But alas, this is not the case. Hah, just celebrated a 6 month anniversary and all I can come out of it was a drunk bender that I went on by myself that turned into a mental breakdown. Seriously, it was something out of Skins. I somehow was 2 seasons worth of Effy in one day. I'm not proud....

As a person, he's a good guy. He's decent enough, funny enough, cute enough, fun enough, got a few interests in common with me, all good. But I don't necessarily feel like I'm in that relationship where you are considering the other person every day. You genuinely want to talk to them or miss them or think about them and you're not afraid to show it because you really want the other person to know of that care and consideration. Until I broke down, I never once heard him saying anything about caring about me or even that he considers me with anything in life and it's really hard for me to continue in a relationship where I don't hear anything.

You know, there is so much in me that wants to love and be loved. I desperately want to know what it feels like to be in a loving relationship with a significant other equal and I have so much love to give. I'm so passionate and fiery and I will show you my love and care with hand holds, face caresses, soft kisses, deep hugs where I let my lips rest on your neck, but what I get in return feels cold. I'm scared that all we really are are fuck buddies who are being exclusive activity partners. We get along well enough to be friends and like to do things together and well, sex is just sex, but so often that seems to be the only "relationship" notion there is. I've never been in a real relationship before, but I have a feeling this isn't it. And that sucks.

I suppose there is something to be said for starting out as friends and gradually getting to know each other before you just go and hop in the sack. With that, it almost seems as if you SHOULD be dating, but that is so often not the case anymore. So why hold onto this hollow fleeting notion that we are actually something special and meant for each other? If you can't once even hint to the idea that I mean something more and real to you, then what is the point of staying in this exclusive relationship? I want this deeper connection, a more meaningful one, and I try to exemplify it by telling him I miss him when I'm gone for a weekend, trying to find time in a busy schedule to see him, get ingredients for dinner to make for us, try to have something fun planned, but it's never really translated. Therefore I've pretty much stopped doing all of that. And I'm away right now at my parents' and I've been here since Wednesday missing him deeply but getting seldom responses when I try to connect with him (I promise I'm not doing the crazy girlfriend thing texting every 5 minutes "where are you" "why do you hate me" "what did i do" "who's the girl" etc etc) and it makes me see this "relationship" we have is only a friendship. He regards me as a friend and therefore I am not the highest priority in his daily life. While I regard him as more, but I suppose that's how all girlfriends are.

I'm so scared of the notion that all men look at girlfriends as annoying emotional balls who say I love you too soon and expect ridiculous things like consideration and respect from them when they don't give a damn. I'm beginning to think that no relationship has love attached until *maybe* they get engaged. Maybe then the guy gets it. But, hah, saying you have a girlfriend? It doesn't mean anything past you've got a constant shag. You don't love her. You like her. You like doing things with her and you like doing her. You're not deeper than that. And your girlfriend? She's always felt empty and just needed that other person to be there, to be a constant, someone who isn't a relative but who she can be just as comfortable with around. So she falls first, and she falls harder, and she just has this love that she's ready to give. And all men can be are scared of it, loathe it, run from it, ignore it, ridicule it, and they break the girls in half.

I was really missing him and was willing to change my schedule a bit so I could get back there and spend some time with him Sunday, but after this, what's the point? I have nothing else to say to him now, and there is no way in hell I'll ever admit my feelings now, even just the missing him and wanting to see him feelings. This is painful you know. Painful to feel unwanted and unloved and just as painful to not be able to admit feelings to a person.

I think the funniest thing is that my dad never could understand the phrase "the relationship wasn't going anywhere" when he heard it until I got a boyfriend. Now he understands it all too clearly. What's that called? Irony?

Refresh!

Uh....huh. Hah. Well. This was a.... long hiatus. Almost made it a year. Well fuck.

Hah anyways there is absolutely no way I can even begin to try to summarize this almost year that has passed. Like, seriously, no. But highlights! We'll try highlights!

(Although my highlights tend to turn into essays but I digress really)

So where I left off, I was miserable with my roommate. Well, I continued to be miserable with her. We had drifted apart and all our beliefs that once seemed so similar couldn't be as distant from each other as the two coasts. Maybe from that I took in a rebellious streak, or really just acting out morally and ethically or whatever. Which really only meant I was acting hedonistic compared to the roommate who kept telling me she was convinced I was doing wrong things and had a wrong view on God and blah blah blah. Personally, I never lost faith in Him whatsoever. I never lost faith in the idea that I was on this path that he put me on and everything was happening for a reason. My faith alone could get me through. And she was trying to act on works, which is always the one thing they say doesn't work and it was just so hypocritical.

I got my first job on a feature film. It's called Death to Prom and I can at least give you that and tell you to look it up since I believe it was just recently completed. I was only a PA and came on last minute, but it turned out I knew the line producer and production coordinator and it wasn't long before they had bumped me up to Key PA which essentially just meant that I was kinda the PA the other PAs came to when something was up. And I got a few extra duties cuz I was fucking good at my job and it was nice. Hot. It was June and it was hot and miserable sometimes. And yea, I had a huge epic breakdown one day, but it was bound to happen. It was just getting stress out for the most part. It's a change on your body when you start working 12+ hour days and you don't get home until 6am sometimes. (And you almost get stuck in a flash flood in the middle of a highway at 5am but once again, digressing...)

I don't exactly remember what happened in July, so we'll skip that. August came around and by crazy happenstance, I was able to put some of my fx makeup skills to the test for a short film that was ironically filming near my hometown. And that still makes me laugh since I moved to Minneapolis to get NEAR the film scene and then I went back home to work on one. Not as long hours, but miserable with the heat. And it was dirty, which really made it fun. I pretty much spent weeks slathering vaseline and dirt and mud and whatever else I could find on people and rip up their clothes. Later on, I did get to make a few wounds. Tho my favorite part was covering the actress in pale makeup and creating cracks and bruises and such like she had been running in the woods for weeks. Such awesome makeup.

Also, end of August came something I never in a million years expected. I...for lack of a better term... met someone. Like a human being. Like a human male. That stayed in my life.

Lol, I'm so smooth talking about it. Hah, I'm still trying to get used to it to be honest. And in a lot of ways, it's not all what I expected. I knew there was work, I just didn't know how exactly my psyche and body would work in relation. To be honest, the physical stuff was not a problem at all. That's how it all started, surprise surprise with me. A somewhat chance encounter due to a mutual friend on a night where I was particularly low. In fact, she barged in with him around 9 one night, right around the time I decided to go on my nyquil and vodka bender again.

Oh, hah, that might not be something you know. Yea, no, I started playing nyquil+alcohol nights. And just generally sneaking swigs of captain or vodka or whatever I could get my hands on when I had to be social with the roommate and well, that was the path I was on. All I wanted to do was escape, and that's all I would try to do.

Ok, back to the boy. It was a chance encounter, and I ended up out for drinks with nyquil in my system which didn't exactly make me the life of the party. But once a topic of interest (Doctor Who) came up, that changed. And well, that was a short and sweet night. On a whim, the next night they ended up back over since I was having a take out/drinks/Silent Hill gaming night with a friend to begin with. Well, give me alcohol and I become quite the little playful minx and it didn't take long to cozy up a bit with him. I never expected anything to go anywhere, and I had remembered his original history with my friend which hadn't exactly been exclusive or anything...long term? So I figured hey, this would be fun. Maybe get a little action, feel a little wanted, desired, let the guy do what guys do best. And it worked. He was forward, touched me, was flattering in ways I wasn't used to, and made the first move kissing me. And it was a nice night, minus the insane humidity and two bodies trying to share a couch. The next day we all planned to go to the Mall of America anyway, and somehow by the end, both girl friends abandoned us to ourselves to play in the theme park. And this is really corny and lame and girly and gross and stupid and something I would never admit to saying, but at night in that theme park, it kind of felt magical. And like a date. Which way later was pointed out to me by many people that that is indeed what it was. I had been scheming that whole day and packed an overnight bag that I didn't really tell anyone about. The roommate was having a dinner party with the boyfriend's family, and I was not planning on walking back into that, and I figured I'd find somewhere to crash. Which ended up being his hotel room. It didn't suck. But he lived in Virginia and that was his last night. All of this added up into my head as being a lovely string of hook ups but that was that.

Not exactly. He pursued me, asked for my number first, texted me first, remembered when I was at work, and soon we were talking every day. I believe our first text conversation lasted 6 hours. I guess it became more and more clear that this could be something, and while I welcomed it, I wasn't sure what to be feeling. But September was big, and we skyped every night and even got in the habit of taking our computers to bed and falling asleep on skype. By October, he had decided to move up here, so I flew down for a weekend and drove back with him. And that was a great weekend.

Also, October I had enough with the roommate and somehow managed to score my own apartment near downtown and now here I am. And seriously, I'm leaving it at this cuz this is too long. I need to get back into writing daily, so hopefully this is not the last post of this year. Anyways.