And then they got worse. And even worse after that. What the fuck is wrong with my life?
A month and a half in a nutshell:
The few days after this last entry was written, the roomie and I had a huge talking out session (or two) that finally put us in the realm of caring for each other in a more real and not faking it sense. Practically everything that's ever hurt me got out, we had good talks, she was so nice and supportive. She left me a few notes and emails in the religion department that I needed since I seemed to have lost my way (which was true). That was April 5th.
It didn't take long for April to heat up for me in the real world with three different jobs that all required a lot of energy and everything from me, and slowly but surely the stress and business began to eat away at me little by little. Her work life had turned incredibly busy as well and there were weeks where we would go a few days without seeing each other even though we were still living together. And, not like it mattered since I was never home during her waking hours, any of her free time became devoted to the boyfriend. But it was quite a divide, spending waking hours separate from each other, having other people to focus on, the amount of stress one is put on when managing a film festival while managing and supplying the wardrobe and props for a film, and quickly my body became hollow.
It's like something flipped in my brain and body that said "You're so busy right now that no one would blame you if you became self-destructive." So I stopped eating. The hunger took the place of the need to hurt myself because I still felt the same emotions when he was over. I had started understanding some of it before then, but knowing I could get away with not eating and feeling that true hollow feeling in your stomach was exhilarating. I read somewhere one of the attractions to starvation is how it makes you feel light headed and high and I had never experienced that, but I was doing so much physical activity that it didn't take long for it to kick in. And I loved it. And then I discovered how much I loved never being at home or when coming home looking like I had this huge purpose and was always on the run and that did give me a feeling of purpose.
Somewhere in there we tried to have a roomie day out to bond and watch Lost and do everything we had done that had become an "us" thing that lasted until about 6 when her boyfriend showed up and they went out for dinner. Oh well, I didn't want to monopolize her time anyway. I just knew there'd be a problem when we were talking about life and she said that maybe we could schedule time with each other every other Sunday or something. Now it's just an appointment.
Also somewhere in there and I can't remember if it was before or after the roomie day, she called me out. We had decided to do a movie and I didn't hear all the plans she actually had and was frustrated and also driving and blew up while on the phone with her. It shouldn't be a big deal; it happens. But I was distant the rest of the night and trying but just failing at being anything other than aloof and I guess she caught on if her standing in the dark behind me after I just got home and saying "So do you wanna talk about what happened today?" was any indication. She never said anything about my specific behavior of self-destruction, but at this point it was just an elephant in the living room. She also continued on with suggestion I see someone about my anger which made me all but laugh. Yea, I bottle things up and eventually they come out, but it's rare and also NORMAL. Then there was talking about that she could tell how miserable and hurt I was holding in myself and that it made her feel bad and that I needed peers who would be there for me and I needed Christian peers to help me with the spiritual stuff and that I'm in her life and she feels for me even though we're both soo busy we can't spend time together. Ugh.
My crazy schedule ended briefly, for less than a week really, before I found another film project to be a part of and a screenwriting class and my usual commitments, and she got increasingly busy with having to go out of town on weekends for work. And when she came home, time was devoted to the boyfriend. And on occasion the best friend. And if I thought I was dark and deeper that last weekend in April, it was nothing compared to the darkness and desolation that's taken me over since May started. Maybe because I was trying to deliberately hurt myself by going to a party (that was classy for the film festival mind you and I stayed classy while I was there), drinking as much as I could, and ending up at some guy's house to engage in some... Bedroom fun with him and a friend. In some ways I haven't gotten over that because it was so unfulfilling for me. I didn't need much, and I knew something like that wouldn't solve anything, but just for a moment, I had hoped it had done something for me. Because I wanted it and I deliberately sought it out. There was just... Nothing.
And now, back to the present, and maybe to actual rants about the past. The last weekend when she was out of town yet again, I discovered something shocking and kind of painful. I'm happy when she's not around. I mean, I felt fine. I was eating again, I wasn't tired, I wasn't just hurting and trying to fight it away. And when she came back... With a friend might I add, my heart just sank. My entire body just sank. And everything came into perspective. It was clear.
I had been forgotten about and disregarded long ago. The little shpeel about how she cared for me and that I was in her life was all but a lie. If that was the case, she would have made the effort to maybe ONE night out of the week spend it with me instead of going out with her boyfriend or going to his place or him coming here or doing it all in one day. And then came the other hang outs with other friends and actually that's the only forgivable thing the night she came home with her best friend because she needs to work on that relationship. It got fucked after the boyfriend came around. But then came the his and byes and meaningless chatter that only lasted 10 minutes a night if we were lucky, but of course here came the boyfriend to get hours upon hours with her.
Ok, I'm ranting. The bottom line is this: I've been hurting because I've been replaced. There have just been so many times where she comes home and says "What are you doing tonight?" and when I reply I have very little, it looks promising that it will finally be my chance, someone walks through the door. And I'm kicked down again. It's just... For once, see me? Because I feel horrible when I look at you. We aren't warm to each other anymore. We don't leave notes for each other anymore. We don't even have anything to say to each other anymore. And I'm so angry and frustrated that it seems like everything she ever said to me was a lie, a complete joke. Because I know you're busy, but if I was important, wouldn't you maybe take one out of the 3 nights you have free to spend with me?
But I get it, I get it, we have priorities. Her relationship priorities are the boyfriend which makes sense since you have to get to know them I guess. I wouldn't know anything about relationships like that, but I guess it seems you should get to know each other which comes with time. And then the best friend which I know has its own hurdles and crevices thanks to the boyfriend situation, the dynamic change and all. And then other friends that have a longer history with her. And then there's me. And you know what? That's fine. I won't be the one to blow up, to tell her what she should do or what she hasn't done or how she should feel or act. She chooses her own life and she has. And I still care enough about her to know she's going through her own hard times at work and I won't be the person to attack and hurt her at a time like this. Because it would hurt her if I just let it all out. Even though it's supposed to be emotions and feelings that supposedly she likes to talk about, this isn't my place. It directly affects her too much. And that's why I keep silent when I'm around her.
I could've stayed content with that, but the past week seems to have become too much for me. I broke down last night when I realized I was ready to sacrifice every single positive thing that has happened to me here to just go back home and get out of this house. But I had had enough. I feel like a stranger in this house and that with the amount of time those two spend together, they may as well just get married already. They're having dinner parties here, going out with friends and then coming home and watching movies all night, just crap that has gotten ridiculous to me. We are at two completely different stages of life, and we need to go through them separately. That's why I won't dare attack or criticize what she's doing, because it's completely appropriate for what stage of life she's in. But I need to be somewhere else.
I'm foreseeing something intense and probably bad happening in the future. But I also foresee we might not see each other for almost a whole week this week. I'm keeping myself busy tomorrow, Tuesday I AM busy all day and then driving back home until Friday. And ya know what? Maybe that's what we need. Hurts me a little thinking about it, but I hurt no matter what.
