Yea yea I know, big gap between entries. Not that it matters; I doubt anyone is reading or cares.
I've had to give up on that church. I was just feeling too much pain and anger when I was there and even though they seemed to start off with this "welcoming" idea, I learned that the people that started this church already have a church and seem to have a habit of starting things up (now a cafe as well) and just roaming in their little pack that they had already formed. And I had never tried so hard in my life to go to their events and try to set things up with people and it never worked. It just hurts.
And I suppose I should've taken a cue months ago when one of them told me Jesus was cliquey. Wow Elle, miss the foreshadowing much? That was like bitch slap you in the face obvious.
And that can't be true. There is no way in hell Jesus could have been cliquey. It doesn't serve his purpose at all or God's. He was always out welcoming people, helping them. Yea, he had is 12 "holy boys" that all I can imagine probably had some big ego complexes thinking they were the top shit because they ran with Jesus, but Jesus never denied anyone. And in fact, he spent time with the people everyone else had ostracized and hated. How? How can that be cliquey? If anything the disciples were cliquey and I have NO DOUBT about that. These church people (and that one in particular) make me think they are no better than those disciples. Yep yep they wrote some stuff for that thing called the Bible, but other than those books, we have NO IDEA what the hell they were like outside of that. I bet they were jerks. I bet they were ignorant fools. I bet they were like..... That person.
Anyways, regression. I've pretty much gone through all six seasons of Xena since I was like 14 all over again and found I was feeling very similar to the way I felt then. Like my imagination kicked up again and the way I viewed life around me went screaming back to how I was when I was a kid. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I find I've immersed myself and escaped to a place and level that hasn't been seen for a while, but I feel like it's the only thing keeping me alive.
There is something about that show, those characters, that relationship, that has always stuck with me and ingrained what I believe friendships can be. I was young, but I understood the whole lesbian subtext thing people loved to throw around, but I never believed Xena and Gabrielle were lovers even after the writers purposefully started writing material to reflect as such cuz I'm pretty sure they were just having fun with it (and honestly, as a writer I would do the same thing on my show). Xena just taught me that a best friend can be your soulmate, that you can be as close as family with people without having to screw them or marry them. I believe that and I always have. I have no boundaries with what is labelled "acceptable" because I know how close people can be when they spend an insane amount of time together. You're bound to create that bond that Xena and Gabrielle had because well, they traveled for six years together, just the two of them. There were secrets, there were tears, there wear laughs, there was a bond that even in death was never ever going to be broken. And I'm so obsessed with the damn show because I'm so lacking even anything similar to a relationship like that in my own life. I would say I had it when I was younger in elementary school and again in high school, but life has changed and we've grown apart and that's the way it is. But dammit, just.... I've only ever wanted to be close to people and have that bond that I know exists without thinking I'm now their lover or we have to get married. But I live in a fantasy world, so I suppose I'm wrong
I'm having a hard time with this faith thing. I'm really torn and confused and somewhat angry trying to understand just what the fuck God wants and is doing to (for) me. I stopped going to that church and any of their meetings and it had been almost 2 weeks of that and not even hearing a "hey are you all right we didn't see you today" text since I had been there FROM THE BEGINNING, so I calmly (in tears) stated to God:
"It's ok if I'm not meant to be a part of a church community. I'm ok with that. But please, can you not bring people into my life that aren't meant to stay? It hurts too much. I can't do it anymore."
The very next day I got a text from a certain someone about how they missed me at an event. We had a small conversation, I tried to once again get schedules aligned so we could maybe hang out and actually get to know each other and got the standard "too crazy busy" text with nothing else. Pain. Oh so much pain. The hurt, you don't understand. And what is God doing to me? I don't know how to live with this God and suddenly I'm wishing we lived in Xena world where the gods would appear in front of them and they'd talk or fight or argue or whatnot. I'd really like that ability right about now. It's like... I just can't do it. I can't live like this and with this. I am not a fall-back person that someone can just randomly text when they've run out of options for their selfish entertainment. I dealt with that in high school and I almost killed myself. So many scars, so many scars....
And I'm done. I'm going to do what I want with and to the people I want. There's this guy that I'm just hankering to sleep with that I just met and now I see nothing stopping me. The good boys don't seem to like me, so I guess I have to run with the bad boys. I just want hands on me, I just want to feel wanted for a second, desired, regarded. And he pays attention to me on facebook when no one else does (even if I've known them forever), and that little extra bit? Is the reason I'd fuck him. My soul will always be God's. But my body is a useless shell that needs to be destroyed. It will be nobody's. Not even mine.
