All right, all right. I'm here. New blog intro, so I can start this up again. K cool.
First off, I apologize for the last post. Makes me look like some idiot high school girl being passive aggressive about her boyfriend (and let's face it, people only wish). Not good to stoop to such low levels. But it is a good song though, so I digress.
I've come to the conclusion that I only attract slobs or socially dysfunctional men. Serious bummer. I can't do anything with either, and I really can't do anything with someone who looks at me and then twitches and stares blankly at me with nothing to say and then when he does say something, it's so quiet I can't even hear him. Then I get all awkward and just start telling stories about my dogs. If someone doesn't engage with me, I become disinterested. And because I'm not quick enough on my feet being shy and having something in my brain that's fucked up, I can't do well with getting any substance going in a conversation. Not having anything to talk about and engage with is probably the worst thing that can happen. And I get stuck with the winners. Well fuck this life.
I'm also beginning to think this idea of "waiting to have sex before marriage" is only used by the same guys who twitch uncontrollably at the sight of the opposite sex and who would need google maps to tell them where the breasts are on a woman. It's probably easier to just play the celibate card when you've never even held hands, let alone hugged someone. Heaven forbid you ever try to do anything else; you'll need google maps for that too. And luckily I'm pretty sure there is a "sex for dummies" book.
But you know what? I'm not even looking for sex. I never have been. But at least knowing the guy knows his way around a woman's body would be nice. I wouldn't mind some physical contact, not at all. Groping, fingering, fondling, etc doesn't need to be involved. There are plenty of small gestures that will do the trick for me. But I'm not going to get it with any of these pussy wussy twitchy dysfunctional overanalytical freaks who practically need their mommy to be there to tell them how to put their arm around a girl. I'm tired. I'm just so tired.
Meh. I still can't believe I've actually resorted to admitting that I actually want to find a relationship. That was such a no-no not too long ago. But what the hell am I going to do about it? It plagues me, haunts ever facet of my life. And I'm pretty sure it isn't even geared towards a "significant other" relationship. Any steadfast friendship would just be so nice. I feel forsaken by so many, and I never had that many to begin with.
Which brings me to the title of this post. I'll try to keep this short. The other day I went to the wedding of my mom's cousin's daughter. So my... I don't know, something in the family. She's pretty much everything I've ever wanted to be, the complete triple threat girl. She seriously could be Kristin Chenoweth if she dyed her hair blond and put in green contacts. She may as well be Kristin. Everything about her is exactly the same: Short, small, petite, big personality, bigger smile, singer, Christian, oh yea. Snagged herself a great guy as someone like her would. Being that her dad is a pastor, she seemed to get instilled correctly with the best of the best in church and therefore got her guy accordingly. And the wedding was a bit uncoventional and avant-garde, but that's what they're into and so it turned out to be awesome and quirky and her dress was awesome and quirky and essentially everything I like because I've always liked that style before I knew her.
So all the friends and that side of the family were the type As, over the top, epic cheery personality who knew everyone and looked like beauty pageant contestants squealing with each other, and I was just there. I didn't care that much at the time; I only went last minute with my parents for the food. But the longer I stayed there and absorbed the environment, the more the situation began to wear on me. First off, I would hate getting married because I don't want to be standing in front of everyone and knowing they're looking at me. I couldn't even do THAT. Second off, I had always hoped to stay true to my faith, but all the Christian guys I know at age 24 are already married.
Sad fact (ok fact in my head): In the church, if you are 24 and still unmarried, you are a spinster. I'm not talking about just mormonism here, it's just how the church is. Which I've always correlated to the poor saps trying to be all chaste and to "save" themselves. And which as we all know, 24 years is an awful long time for a guy to hold off. He's damn lucky if he can make it to 18. It's perfectly acceptable in normal society to be 24 and single and free falling and flitting, but in the church society, there is something wrong with you. All the good ones get snatched up fast, and if you're fucked up like me and mentally handicapped, you can't compete and you don't get anything. And that tears me in half.
Am I supposed to turn away from the church? Is that what I'm getting here? There is this easy lifestyle sitting in front of me. One that has less judgement attached to it. In a bar, everyone is accepted. In a church, if you're not already established in a group, you're not even noticed. I've talked to a lot of Christians about this, of all ages might I add, and they've all said that exact same thing. What is the point? What was God thinking giving us this....Choice? This freewill to be assholes? And what was He thinking to give me this damage that kills me? I've been increasingly angry lately. Like, really angry, and it's just another side effect of this build up.
Anyways, so after the wedding and we're walking back to the car, I was mentioning the whole thing about how this can never happen to me and that I'm too old in the church now and a few other things. And my dad says "I have a feeling things are going to start changing for you" and I blow it off. Can't even acknowledge something like that because I don't believe even a shred of it. In which I tell him and that where I am, it's just too small and no one with my interest, let alone someone in a church with my interest and he says something along the lines of "Well go out and do something. All you do is sleep all day." My only response:
And why do you think I sleep all day.
It's not rocket science. It's the only escape I have. It's all I have.
